Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
TAKEN…
I floated back to shore
Water in my lungs
Bystanders watching the life get thrust back into me
I awaken and simply run
“WAIT…YOU LEFT YOUR………geez……ITS YOUR…YOUR HEART, LADY!”
After what’s happened to me this year, I’m indifferent about whether or not I was supposed to survive this shit. But here we are.
When I look in the mirror, it’s hard to imagine that I LET this happen to myself. Many people affected me. Positively and negatively. The problem with that is… ego. If I’m gonna be able to genuinely get this out, it JUST must be said.
Here’s the short non evasive story… The Trilogy
I fell in love… young woman. Wondering “what is love”. I’m sure I was in it.
I fell in a new love... Ecstatic, like a virgin. Then, came the competition. Why should I compete for what’s already mine? If you are not mine, then that’s makes u free to go, right and I’m alone. No regrets, just questions. Questions about me. Questions about them. Questions about the quality of love I was in. Learned enough for me to get the message that there was something I might find out about later…
I fell in love. Something different. Stylistics Brand New. Wonderfully frightening. Snatched my brain right out. Running on pure heart, pure love, felt fully reciprocated for the first time ever in life. As quickly as I met love, (the true kind that only comes to a few), it was gone.
NOW, I know what love is, had it and lost it. My plan for life was shattered and instantly there was nothing left…and without the truth…without some truthful explanation, rationalization… this is where I land…ashes on broken glass.
On the Memories Museum, they represent my Trilogy.
Starla as she was once known is now lost in a gust of wind…
Dead inside with a world of questions…like “what is love”, “was ANY of that love”, “is it me”, “is it them”. Rapport still intact with the Trilogy…except the last one. Stagnant existent didn’t want to move. Couldn’t move. Didn’t move. Ambivalent. Girl, Interrupted.
Had to shake it…without knowing why. Dysfunction. Slavery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tried to love again. It didn’t feel right for clear reasons. I infiltrated an existing situation extracted somebody’s baby mama and took her home and turned her out. I just went for the ego boost. Complete waste of DISAPPOINTMENT’S time. Didn’t realize how genuine I was at heart for people who…well… She was so good at being lovable or something, I started to love her I think, but apparently the line to her pussy was long like train smoke so I had to share… I DONT share, she KNEW that’s why it took 3 years of online friendship for us to meet and become a couple. Thought she was mine and ended up in an artillery battle with a baby daddy... My weapon, of course, being my witts. I shut him up quick, basically she was mine now, ask her, she’s right here. She even kissed me in the stage lights at the strip club…and he was there…looking (and they came together). I had multiple encounters with this cat, he was obviously a nigga spurned. What you expect. You got your gal took… by a GIRL. That has to do certain damage to a man. That NIKKA was a grown ass man threatening to put you hands on a woman. WEAK! Moreover, she’s crazy as hell, invited you to PLEASE come finish the job of fucking me up…and got crew and fam that got my back whether I need it or not. He was just completely out of his element and hell… i told him, better off. But, little did I know THEN, I had a spaghetti bitch…ya know “straight until wet”…UGH! Imagine how that went. Of course when he fell hard for the woman to later become his wife, i saw the inevitable change in my gal and my relationship, then she cheated WITH PENIS. I knew my ego hang glide was over. Should have been quick and amicable. SHIIID!
She bitched, wrote, and cried, blogged and lied all over the place about her broken heart as she shared her body with anyone bearing an orgasm or simply aggressive enough to just…ask. That infuriated me. When I let you go, you LEAVE. She played heartbreak and made me the presiding ogre over the pain in her life…with her foot on my back spaghetti worming her way into an industry that glamorizes lesbians…ya know…cuz we HOT! :) Lesbians flock and flee with the same story, that BI ass bitch wouldn’t TALK to me…I was much more acquainted with her pussy. Didn’t take long before the industry got in her…literally. There she remains…spiraling downward back into that destructive state of mind. Ego completely out of control because she’s the next Melissa Ford without the Honda Accord. Unfortunately in her case, there are children involved…and just her and her orgasm-giver. As for me, I can say her effect on my life was a Profound Level 2. I’ll explain that one day. In short, she’s cool under the right influence, unsubstantially easygoing, fun to party with, and will remain submissive, just in case. I left that situation knowing…it was simply of no consequence. Done.
I woke up on my birthday at midnight…to a sweet kiss and a “happy birthday”…then suddenly I’m calling in at work because I just got out of a UFC ring was, at the time, my living room.
…to be finished, not continued
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A bridge burned...
There is an emotion raging inside of me
I cant make it stop
Im surrounded by selfish idiots
Im surrounded by idiots...
I hate talking to people who have no connection
no segway
no beaten path to my way of thinking
I dont expect everyone to agree with me
i have no desire for a yes man.
the same type of people continue to plague my life.
I've had yes men
I've had pure haters.
I've had unpure haters
I've had enemies in friends clothing
and friends in enemies clothing
I seem to have run out of all things genuine.
This sort of thing forces me to apply my survival skills.
if you cant beat'em join'em is not really my way of life.
But i find myself in a position where i may need to placate'em.
i think once i had my LAST argument with my eX i realized that there was NOTHING i would be able to do to coexist with her. She continues to force herself and her selfishness and her desires, and her needs on me. Basically making me fully responsible for how fukked up her life is. As much as i care for her, i cannot sacrifice another iota of sanity JUST to appease her! She's a childish kid who knows nothing about mutual respect and love. She's been deprived to those things all her life and I...made the...mistake...well choice of trying to teach her. She used the entire experience to try to use what i taught her to manipulate me and the situation, because she knew, she'd never be ready or willing to give up THAT much for ANYBODY. THAT much meaning pride, ego, and simply put "having her way". She's a classic baby of the family/only child. Using sympathy and sex appeal to get everything she wants...and its worked.
She is TOXIC to me! And i think i JUST figured out why...wow.
Ok. Let me see if I can make sense of this. I already discovered the obvious which is, she brings out the worst in me. But thats not the first time thats happened to me. This is a bit new tho, because, she is on a different level. in early evaluation, i read her like a book. There was something "off" about her. I noticed how well she evaded...when things were not going her way or when she saw that she was about to have to take responsibility for something. She was QUITE the sweet talker. She made me question her, myself and the entire relationship. Her dealings have no depth or purpose other than to please and appease herself. then it was clear, these were the actions of a scared child. For me, i think the person she brought out in me was the 11-year-old me.... Shyt. Back when i was still an only child...and wanted things to go the way I needed them to go. Before my litte sister came and "stole my thunder". Because I adapt well...its was not very long after my sis arrived that i started considering others and slowly growing out of the childish selfishness. I had no idea i'd need that quality back in 2008.
She reminds me of the childish, selfish, cocky, egomaniacal only child i once was. She overly combative, confrontational, she doesn't appreciate what's earned, she takes more pride in what she can take or manipulate into her life. She thinks she's ALWAYS right. If you have an experience, she's had it too and better or more times. She's boastful about little things because she doesnt actually do anything but sit back and wait for accolades and attention. She guilt trips all her loved ones into loving her, as opposed to earning the mutual respect and love from others.
I think i resent her for getting away with that and making people cow-tow to her for 25 years for her own PERSONAL satisfaction and gain and THEN she tried to make ME one of her patsies. It's like a "met her match" situation. There was no way I was going to just be her next conquest. Her extreme nature created a horrible dynamic for us because im VERY laid back and low-key. But She... Loved to be seen, heard, and followed...even though there was hardly ever a Reason for anyone to want to knw what she's thinking. But whether it was relevant, necessary, or even asked for or NOT, she made sure she was heard. And made many people regret letting her force them to listen. She's exceptionally demanding...and she's always prepared to give...nothing. All she offers is sex....and that was not substantial either. She was impossible to tolerate. On a continuous quest to impress as MANY people as she could...never stopping to understand....Why! She was a people-pleaser and a severe egomaniac. The longer i stayed with her...the more i noticed myself changing.
I had to choose me.
Her behavior was so disturbing to me that it eventually led to me accessing those 11-year old parts of me so i could combat her...on her level. Im actually afraid that this may have had long-term effects. All the love she gave me was Conditional. There was never room for error. All she had to do was THINK i was interested in anyone else and she would take the steps to "even the score", whether she was right or not. I remember hearing from her old girlfriends "Papi just REFUSE to be faithful." when i heard that was the concensus, I was not suprised. She had already managed to slip a few ladies in on my watch and I havent known her a year yet.
Her need to prove a point...is Extreme. But it makes sense when ur a liar and are used to ur word meaning NOTHING. She and I broke up in March..yes MARCH.......and why am i still speaking of her?... Because no matter how hard i try to shake her...she's a man on a mission to prove a point....that she can make me love her like she wants me to...that she CAN get me back and keep me. It was ONLY at NOON TODAY that I think she's given up. It hurt me honestly to feel like a project...like a conquest. I needed to see something genuine...and she just doesnt have anything of substance to give someone that isnt her Grandmother (the only person she's ever loved or respected).
i've become something different.
Im not sure if i'll get myself back from this.
I cant make it stop
Im surrounded by selfish idiots
Im surrounded by idiots...
I hate talking to people who have no connection
no segway
no beaten path to my way of thinking
I dont expect everyone to agree with me
i have no desire for a yes man.
the same type of people continue to plague my life.
I've had yes men
I've had pure haters.
I've had unpure haters
I've had enemies in friends clothing
and friends in enemies clothing
I seem to have run out of all things genuine.
This sort of thing forces me to apply my survival skills.
if you cant beat'em join'em is not really my way of life.
But i find myself in a position where i may need to placate'em.
i think once i had my LAST argument with my eX i realized that there was NOTHING i would be able to do to coexist with her. She continues to force herself and her selfishness and her desires, and her needs on me. Basically making me fully responsible for how fukked up her life is. As much as i care for her, i cannot sacrifice another iota of sanity JUST to appease her! She's a childish kid who knows nothing about mutual respect and love. She's been deprived to those things all her life and I...made the...mistake...well choice of trying to teach her. She used the entire experience to try to use what i taught her to manipulate me and the situation, because she knew, she'd never be ready or willing to give up THAT much for ANYBODY. THAT much meaning pride, ego, and simply put "having her way". She's a classic baby of the family/only child. Using sympathy and sex appeal to get everything she wants...and its worked.
She is TOXIC to me! And i think i JUST figured out why...wow.
Ok. Let me see if I can make sense of this. I already discovered the obvious which is, she brings out the worst in me. But thats not the first time thats happened to me. This is a bit new tho, because, she is on a different level. in early evaluation, i read her like a book. There was something "off" about her. I noticed how well she evaded...when things were not going her way or when she saw that she was about to have to take responsibility for something. She was QUITE the sweet talker. She made me question her, myself and the entire relationship. Her dealings have no depth or purpose other than to please and appease herself. then it was clear, these were the actions of a scared child. For me, i think the person she brought out in me was the 11-year-old me.... Shyt. Back when i was still an only child...and wanted things to go the way I needed them to go. Before my litte sister came and "stole my thunder". Because I adapt well...its was not very long after my sis arrived that i started considering others and slowly growing out of the childish selfishness. I had no idea i'd need that quality back in 2008.
She reminds me of the childish, selfish, cocky, egomaniacal only child i once was. She overly combative, confrontational, she doesn't appreciate what's earned, she takes more pride in what she can take or manipulate into her life. She thinks she's ALWAYS right. If you have an experience, she's had it too and better or more times. She's boastful about little things because she doesnt actually do anything but sit back and wait for accolades and attention. She guilt trips all her loved ones into loving her, as opposed to earning the mutual respect and love from others.
I think i resent her for getting away with that and making people cow-tow to her for 25 years for her own PERSONAL satisfaction and gain and THEN she tried to make ME one of her patsies. It's like a "met her match" situation. There was no way I was going to just be her next conquest. Her extreme nature created a horrible dynamic for us because im VERY laid back and low-key. But She... Loved to be seen, heard, and followed...even though there was hardly ever a Reason for anyone to want to knw what she's thinking. But whether it was relevant, necessary, or even asked for or NOT, she made sure she was heard. And made many people regret letting her force them to listen. She's exceptionally demanding...and she's always prepared to give...nothing. All she offers is sex....and that was not substantial either. She was impossible to tolerate. On a continuous quest to impress as MANY people as she could...never stopping to understand....Why! She was a people-pleaser and a severe egomaniac. The longer i stayed with her...the more i noticed myself changing.
I had to choose me.
Her behavior was so disturbing to me that it eventually led to me accessing those 11-year old parts of me so i could combat her...on her level. Im actually afraid that this may have had long-term effects. All the love she gave me was Conditional. There was never room for error. All she had to do was THINK i was interested in anyone else and she would take the steps to "even the score", whether she was right or not. I remember hearing from her old girlfriends "Papi just REFUSE to be faithful." when i heard that was the concensus, I was not suprised. She had already managed to slip a few ladies in on my watch and I havent known her a year yet.
Her need to prove a point...is Extreme. But it makes sense when ur a liar and are used to ur word meaning NOTHING. She and I broke up in March..yes MARCH.......and why am i still speaking of her?... Because no matter how hard i try to shake her...she's a man on a mission to prove a point....that she can make me love her like she wants me to...that she CAN get me back and keep me. It was ONLY at NOON TODAY that I think she's given up. It hurt me honestly to feel like a project...like a conquest. I needed to see something genuine...and she just doesnt have anything of substance to give someone that isnt her Grandmother (the only person she's ever loved or respected).
i've become something different.
Im not sure if i'll get myself back from this.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Story of my life
No one loves you.
They're just pretending
to be nice. But they
talk bad about you
after you leave
the room.
You're gonna die
alone.
They're just pretending
to be nice. But they
talk bad about you
after you leave
the room.
You're gonna die
alone.
Stagnant...
I have a feeling that I wont get much done today. I have so much on my mind, I know i'm going to get home and get distracted by ANYTHING that will help me forget this horrible feeling of abandonment.
I dunno...
I miss Pap. But I can't tell her that.
I miss holding her.
I miss laying my lips on her neck in a hug.
I miss having her near me when I'm sleeping.
I felt protected.
I miss her determination.
I miss seeing her smile big...
She'd cover her mouth because she hated it.
It made my day.
Until other women...were the ones...
Making her smile wide.
I just made her smile.
I'm not good at these things
Competition was not fair to me.
I never made her compete.
Why would she do this to me?
She made it a point to hate me before she let me go. I wasn't "friend" material. She prefers all the fraudulent friends who abandoned her when she started to date me. She chose.... them.... over me. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over that, but It doesnt matter. I'm DEAD to everyone and I plan to stay that way.
I dunno...
I miss Pap. But I can't tell her that.
I miss holding her.
I miss laying my lips on her neck in a hug.
I miss having her near me when I'm sleeping.
I felt protected.
I miss her determination.
I miss seeing her smile big...
She'd cover her mouth because she hated it.
It made my day.
Until other women...were the ones...
Making her smile wide.
I just made her smile.
I'm not good at these things
Competition was not fair to me.
I never made her compete.
Why would she do this to me?
She made it a point to hate me before she let me go. I wasn't "friend" material. She prefers all the fraudulent friends who abandoned her when she started to date me. She chose.... them.... over me. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over that, but It doesnt matter. I'm DEAD to everyone and I plan to stay that way.
barely there...
Today is the day progress will be made.
I've opened a lot of doors and I've closed just as many.
I've watched myself this past year, trying to understand the connections I have and what they mean or if they mean anything.
I've come to some very unusual conclusions that will only be revealed with time.
I plan to have my facebook account deactivated by the end of the week and possibly my downelink account as well. The only important things there are... my blogs. I dont just type fluff. I cant express myself in lies. I broke away from the Major Hub (Myspace) because I needed to escape how BAD my life really was. But in the end, history repeated itself.
My eXXXX ran my eX off, I'm HELLA sad about that because I loved her more than she will ever believe but I can't control what people allow themselves to be torn apart by. In this case, she let PURE EGO make a decision. Her insecurity about the difference in age, appearance, career and assumed desire got the best of her and she made a terrible decision, told several lies, and lost me and my respect.
There is so much for me to do in my home. I haven't unpacked nor have I gotten anything in order to establish comfort in my apartment. I just go there... sit, smoke, and sleep. I lack the time, energy, and discipline to do this myself. Bottom line of that... I just gotta MAKE myself GET IT TOGETHER. I can't die yet. It's not up to me right now.
I have to embrace my genuine interests wholeheartedly to stay afloat. My online life will be different in a lot of ways. I have to select the sites that I will stay a part of. THIS blog, will remain semi-private. I'm not telling anyone I'm here. I'm actually easily found though. I'm not hiding, just not inviting.
Today... needs to mark a new beginning for me. Everything must change...
I've opened a lot of doors and I've closed just as many.
I've watched myself this past year, trying to understand the connections I have and what they mean or if they mean anything.
I've come to some very unusual conclusions that will only be revealed with time.
I plan to have my facebook account deactivated by the end of the week and possibly my downelink account as well. The only important things there are... my blogs. I dont just type fluff. I cant express myself in lies. I broke away from the Major Hub (Myspace) because I needed to escape how BAD my life really was. But in the end, history repeated itself.
My eXXXX ran my eX off, I'm HELLA sad about that because I loved her more than she will ever believe but I can't control what people allow themselves to be torn apart by. In this case, she let PURE EGO make a decision. Her insecurity about the difference in age, appearance, career and assumed desire got the best of her and she made a terrible decision, told several lies, and lost me and my respect.
There is so much for me to do in my home. I haven't unpacked nor have I gotten anything in order to establish comfort in my apartment. I just go there... sit, smoke, and sleep. I lack the time, energy, and discipline to do this myself. Bottom line of that... I just gotta MAKE myself GET IT TOGETHER. I can't die yet. It's not up to me right now.
I have to embrace my genuine interests wholeheartedly to stay afloat. My online life will be different in a lot of ways. I have to select the sites that I will stay a part of. THIS blog, will remain semi-private. I'm not telling anyone I'm here. I'm actually easily found though. I'm not hiding, just not inviting.
Today... needs to mark a new beginning for me. Everything must change...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Stuck...
Lesson learned....
make sure i let people KNOW when i'm pushing them away, so they wont lie and say...they got STUCK in Houston. Never again. NEVER again.
these strays come with their sob stories and i care and take them in, but because they wanted to have cake and eat it too, they cried love. But wrote to others..."im stuck...in Houston".....
im not a hostage taker.
so why do people blame me, when IM ALL THEY GOT!...and im actually there.
im travelling down a really bad road here cuz im thinking of the one that broke me. And how she got scared of tha love and reopened an option. I wish i had been gentle...when she apologized, i might still have true love in my life. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me the exact same way.
i dont like when history repeats itself. First time was my fault, this time its not, but it still resurfaces the emotions of the one unsolved mystery of my life...what if...
in the end, i lost her forever and that was only a few months ago. The next one...i never actually had, i was a "roof-provider" that worked all day and slept all night, which meant free range to do and call and fukk and eat whateva and whoeva she wanted...and she did. She hasnt spoken a word of truth to me and has a REAL bad history so its no real loss to me. I just wish 2 years ago i could see what would become of me. I didnt knw ppl would STICK THEMSELVES to me just for tha long ride thats FREE.
just makes me wonder...again...has ANYBODY ever genuinely loved me.
im so sad i could scream!
But im at work and as usual...they are watching me.
one thing i know for sure
there will NEVER be another telling people thy are "STUCK", cuz my welcome mat says "DONT GET TOO COMFORTABLE".
Never will that lie be told on me again... Im like Martin, "i throw people OUUUUUUTT", and i officially am not taking anymore in. Got myself fukked over both times....never again.
make sure i let people KNOW when i'm pushing them away, so they wont lie and say...they got STUCK in Houston. Never again. NEVER again.
these strays come with their sob stories and i care and take them in, but because they wanted to have cake and eat it too, they cried love. But wrote to others..."im stuck...in Houston".....
im not a hostage taker.
so why do people blame me, when IM ALL THEY GOT!...and im actually there.
im travelling down a really bad road here cuz im thinking of the one that broke me. And how she got scared of tha love and reopened an option. I wish i had been gentle...when she apologized, i might still have true love in my life. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me the exact same way.
i dont like when history repeats itself. First time was my fault, this time its not, but it still resurfaces the emotions of the one unsolved mystery of my life...what if...
in the end, i lost her forever and that was only a few months ago. The next one...i never actually had, i was a "roof-provider" that worked all day and slept all night, which meant free range to do and call and fukk and eat whateva and whoeva she wanted...and she did. She hasnt spoken a word of truth to me and has a REAL bad history so its no real loss to me. I just wish 2 years ago i could see what would become of me. I didnt knw ppl would STICK THEMSELVES to me just for tha long ride thats FREE.
just makes me wonder...again...has ANYBODY ever genuinely loved me.
im so sad i could scream!
But im at work and as usual...they are watching me.
one thing i know for sure
there will NEVER be another telling people thy are "STUCK", cuz my welcome mat says "DONT GET TOO COMFORTABLE".
Never will that lie be told on me again... Im like Martin, "i throw people OUUUUUUTT", and i officially am not taking anymore in. Got myself fukked over both times....never again.
Birthday Disaster
Karma came for my ass...
Wrong day...
Wrong time...
it was my birthday and i couldnt claim it as mine.
the girl i was with...
I found her dick
nasty, smellin of pussy and shit
she didnt appreciate me asking about this
but its my house and i pay the rent.
i woke up in the octagon of UFC
with someone who claimed to be in love with me
why didnt she think...
This aint what i need.
yesterday wasnt meant for me..
fighting someone i love Like UFC.
ok...i need to eat...and drink.
2 glasses of cabernet deep.
In the institution of love...i no longer believe....
and sadly, i need somebody to hold me.
Wrong day...
Wrong time...
it was my birthday and i couldnt claim it as mine.
the girl i was with...
I found her dick
nasty, smellin of pussy and shit
she didnt appreciate me asking about this
but its my house and i pay the rent.
i woke up in the octagon of UFC
with someone who claimed to be in love with me
why didnt she think...
This aint what i need.
yesterday wasnt meant for me..
fighting someone i love Like UFC.
ok...i need to eat...and drink.
2 glasses of cabernet deep.
In the institution of love...i no longer believe....
and sadly, i need somebody to hold me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
It's my Birthday
Yeah.... really it is.
Shit, I dont even feel it. I woke up this morning and my eX was ready to fight. She was determined for me to kill her. She handed me a knife told me to "do it"... repeatedly. I was trying to curl my hair for work and she was pushing me in the back and popping me on my arm...infuriating the SHYT out of me. She wanted me to snap...and I did. I sweated out my hair, my clothes, almost had an asthma attack from fighting and scuffling and arguing. It's my crib. My NEW crib at that... and she decided a long time ago that since I "acknowledged" her selfishness, she would embrace it.
So....
The first thing I did this morning... was fight. She wanted me to kill her... I can't believe she's that selfish. I'm more suicidal than she is... and she had the GALL to try to milk me for emotion...on my birthday.... because I dont want to be iwth her anymore. And somehow, she doesn't see that THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE is the reason!! I had to fight and put a broad out my house on my birthday. She's spent the WHOLE morning talking shyt about me to her lil friends and Family (who hate her cuz she's gay) and NOW she wants my "forgiveness". Seriously??
I was there for her as much as possible...but who's there for me....
Shit, I dont even feel it. I woke up this morning and my eX was ready to fight. She was determined for me to kill her. She handed me a knife told me to "do it"... repeatedly. I was trying to curl my hair for work and she was pushing me in the back and popping me on my arm...infuriating the SHYT out of me. She wanted me to snap...and I did. I sweated out my hair, my clothes, almost had an asthma attack from fighting and scuffling and arguing. It's my crib. My NEW crib at that... and she decided a long time ago that since I "acknowledged" her selfishness, she would embrace it.
So....
The first thing I did this morning... was fight. She wanted me to kill her... I can't believe she's that selfish. I'm more suicidal than she is... and she had the GALL to try to milk me for emotion...on my birthday.... because I dont want to be iwth her anymore. And somehow, she doesn't see that THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE is the reason!! I had to fight and put a broad out my house on my birthday. She's spent the WHOLE morning talking shyt about me to her lil friends and Family (who hate her cuz she's gay) and NOW she wants my "forgiveness". Seriously??
I was there for her as much as possible...but who's there for me....
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Moving sucks
I'm hella pissed that I had to sign another lease, but apparently It's meant for me to just fight through my own stress...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Futile eX
There's only so much u can do
when a whore is trying to penetrate u.
I see how she handles life and
she wants me to be her wife.
But she doesnt knw shyt about life.
ugh
i cant speak intelligently on this because
there is nothing intelligent about this.
She WISH she could play me like tha hoes
keep me on top and let the rest just float.
As soon as i let her know
she tries to call me a hoe.
Accusing me of holding on
like with my ex....there something going on
transfer of blame
transfer of emotion
anything to make her body feel in motion.
She dies inside without
one on each side.
Leaving me alone would be too much like right.
But she has no choice in tha matter this time.
She came to my house with disrespect on her mind.
Ex girlfriends and love's untrue...
Took precedent over me
does that make sense to you?
Unloved is my middle name.
Its my familiar part of the game
The way she thinks is a damn shame
a way that will never master the game.
she will always be a pawn
wondering why she never won.
You cant play the game of night
in the morning sun.
Im so glad to be without
i'll miss her love
but NEVER her doubt.
when a whore is trying to penetrate u.
I see how she handles life and
she wants me to be her wife.
But she doesnt knw shyt about life.
ugh
i cant speak intelligently on this because
there is nothing intelligent about this.
She WISH she could play me like tha hoes
keep me on top and let the rest just float.
As soon as i let her know
she tries to call me a hoe.
Accusing me of holding on
like with my ex....there something going on
transfer of blame
transfer of emotion
anything to make her body feel in motion.
She dies inside without
one on each side.
Leaving me alone would be too much like right.
But she has no choice in tha matter this time.
She came to my house with disrespect on her mind.
Ex girlfriends and love's untrue...
Took precedent over me
does that make sense to you?
Unloved is my middle name.
Its my familiar part of the game
The way she thinks is a damn shame
a way that will never master the game.
she will always be a pawn
wondering why she never won.
You cant play the game of night
in the morning sun.
Im so glad to be without
i'll miss her love
but NEVER her doubt.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Im damn near at the end of my rope.
My eX is so "HER" that she's burning every bridge she got. Her FAM keeps putting her out of their various homes and she doesnt even understand it. She's supposed to be on her way bk home now but just found out her stuff by tha door where she is staying...waitin on her to get it and get out when she get returns...i feel awful for her...she claims to have no one but me. I dont believe that shyt...never did. But at this rate...it WILL be true.
then....what will we do...
My eX is so "HER" that she's burning every bridge she got. Her FAM keeps putting her out of their various homes and she doesnt even understand it. She's supposed to be on her way bk home now but just found out her stuff by tha door where she is staying...waitin on her to get it and get out when she get returns...i feel awful for her...she claims to have no one but me. I dont believe that shyt...never did. But at this rate...it WILL be true.
then....what will we do...
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
From my Heart...not my mouth
I have NOT forgotten about this Erykah thing. Honestly, I haven't read anything that was posted against Erykah because I know it will INFURIATE ME. I fully intend to speak my piece though. NOBODY attack Erykah Badu, after she damn near single-handedly freed the minds of the handful of us who allowed her to do so. HOW FUKKING DARE THEY! See... let me stop NOW. Erykah has pristinely spoken up for herself as expected and I want to CONGRATULATE her on the creation of new life. Erykah has spoken for herself, but I will speak up for the TRUE fans. The unspoken fan divide in the industry has been eating me alive with the scrutiny of artists like Amy Winehouse, the late GREAT Ol' Dirty Bastard....and now Erykah Badu. The divide between "fans of the music" and "fans of the artist". But i'm seeing now (not that I didnt know, i just NEVER expected Badu to be the target) that MANY fans aren't fans at all. After this most recent attack on Erykah and I've been slowly losing it with all the unfortunate Amy scrutiny, I can't hold it anymore.
It's time for me to be getting ready for bed. I'm going to need time and emotional energy for this.
It's time for me to be getting ready for bed. I'm going to need time and emotional energy for this.
Mind-blowing love...deferred
There is a woman who fell in love with me by way of my words and exposed emotions online...and she and I have become good friends. She knows my heart and knows what im passionate about. Music is my heart and soul. She likes my taste and likes the new songs and artists i introduce her to. She knows and understands my need to be free and has no resentment toward me for not dating her. I love her, but Im not IN love with her. BUT! Even though she doesnt claw at me like a cat, she has very subtle ways of continually letting me knw how she feels about me.
There is a song that i fell completely in love with back in 2003. My best friend and I collaborated back then in the studio to create an EXTENDED version of this song (that's how much I love it). This version was to be shared with my wife. The song will be from My heart to hers. I hadnt heard it in years. It's been on ICE for the WIFE. Not to mention i've been on music hiatus for emotional reasons. The CD was released in the US 5 years after production and release across the pond, so it was my secret favorite song. Only my best friend Brad knows how deep that song runs in my blood.
One of the ways my friend expresses herself is thru Answer Tones/Calltones for when i call her. I remember the first one i recall was "If i Had my Way" Chrisette Michele. Hearing that made me smile. Finding out that she set it personally for ME made me smile a little wider. There have been quite a few more over the past year or so. THIS time....she hit tha jackpot. The song that is the nearest and dearest to my heart....the song that carries so much sentiment that I saved it for my WIFE. Only my best friend Brad who played with the song for me in the studio FOR the day i marry, knows that THAT song is for THE ONE. She came to town this evening, called me, i returned her call and there it was.......... "there is nooooo greater love....than what i feel for you....no sweeter song....no heart so true.....". My heart STOPPED. My jaw seemed to disconnect from my face. The world just disappeared....it was just me and tha song that is reserved for the one i havent met yet...the one i will love the most forever. Then she answered.
OH
MY
GOD!
was all I could get to come out of my mouth. I managed to find out that she did indeed set that one personally for me as well. She said she just heard it and thought it was perfect for me.... Thats it. Just like that. I am still speechless. I can tell the lead up story...but the emotions that flooded when i heard that song....just saturated all the trains of thought on my track.
How did she know?
How COULD she know?
Did i ever tell her about that song?
What made her even listen to it?
How did she know it was "perfect for me"?There is a song that i fell completely in love with back in 2003. My best friend and I collaborated back then in the studio to create an EXTENDED version of this song (that's how much I love it). This version was to be shared with my wife. The song will be from My heart to hers. I hadnt heard it in years. It's been on ICE for the WIFE. Not to mention i've been on music hiatus for emotional reasons. The CD was released in the US 5 years after production and release across the pond, so it was my secret favorite song. Only my best friend Brad knows how deep that song runs in my blood.
One of the ways my friend expresses herself is thru Answer Tones/Calltones for when i call her. I remember the first one i recall was "If i Had my Way" Chrisette Michele. Hearing that made me smile. Finding out that she set it personally for ME made me smile a little wider. There have been quite a few more over the past year or so. THIS time....she hit tha jackpot. The song that is the nearest and dearest to my heart....the song that carries so much sentiment that I saved it for my WIFE. Only my best friend Brad who played with the song for me in the studio FOR the day i marry, knows that THAT song is for THE ONE. She came to town this evening, called me, i returned her call and there it was.......... "there is nooooo greater love....than what i feel for you....no sweeter song....no heart so true.....". My heart STOPPED. My jaw seemed to disconnect from my face. The world just disappeared....it was just me and tha song that is reserved for the one i havent met yet...the one i will love the most forever. Then she answered.
OH
MY
GOD!
was all I could get to come out of my mouth. I managed to find out that she did indeed set that one personally for me as well. She said she just heard it and thought it was perfect for me.... Thats it. Just like that. I am still speechless. I can tell the lead up story...but the emotions that flooded when i heard that song....just saturated all the trains of thought on my track.
How did she know?
How COULD she know?
Did i ever tell her about that song?
What made her even listen to it?
OMG, Does she really feel like that about me?
(i mean, this song is the sentiment that was ONLY worthy of my WIFE)
Again...does she feel about me the way i want my WIFE to feel about me?
Does she feel the way i WILL feel for my WIFE?
What do i do?
How did she access my emotional music VAULT?
Does she really know me THIS well?
Have I exposed too much?
Would it be wrong of me to ignore what I'm feeling as a result?
What the hell AM I feeling?
Wow!
My mind is blown.
im just....completely speechless.
One thing I can say is... For someone whose seen me 4 times... Total, she knows me better than anybody in Texas....but I DO NOT know how she tapped into one of my most sacred musical secrets. And so effortlessly...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cup runneth over
Theres a lot going on
This Erykah Badu situation has me LIVID and i think im about to break my social silence.
My family's abandoned me (minus 3 of them). They just have no idea who I am...and dont care. They just want "Starla 1999"...cuz she's familiar.
My eX is too set in her ways to show me the "better her" that she desperately wants me to see. Hell i see it....but i see the strings and tape too...it too is a mask that can be removed. I really wanted to challenge myself with this one....and try to make it work. But... Real life supercedes.
I got people who think they're smarter than me saying some of the dumbest shit.
Im finding out that some of the people i respected the most....are now my biggest disappointments.
and I am beyond sick of being misunderstood. I decided to just stop trying to make people understand. They ask the questions and "dont get" the answers. "What good do ur words do...if they cant understand you..." you know who said that shyt Badu...Baduuuu... :)
i dont know how and when i will collect all these thoughts. With all the stuff thats happening, im about to explode!
This Erykah Badu situation has me LIVID and i think im about to break my social silence.
My family's abandoned me (minus 3 of them). They just have no idea who I am...and dont care. They just want "Starla 1999"...cuz she's familiar.
My eX is too set in her ways to show me the "better her" that she desperately wants me to see. Hell i see it....but i see the strings and tape too...it too is a mask that can be removed. I really wanted to challenge myself with this one....and try to make it work. But... Real life supercedes.
I got people who think they're smarter than me saying some of the dumbest shit.
Im finding out that some of the people i respected the most....are now my biggest disappointments.
and I am beyond sick of being misunderstood. I decided to just stop trying to make people understand. They ask the questions and "dont get" the answers. "What good do ur words do...if they cant understand you..." you know who said that shyt Badu...Baduuuu... :)
i dont know how and when i will collect all these thoughts. With all the stuff thats happening, im about to explode!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Trying to wake up!
i wont disappear from here. Its the only place im safe. I keep learning new things about me and i sink into myself because i either hate what i've learned or im trying to figure out how to live with a difficult flaw.
this time... It was outside forces. As usual. Hell, dont kid urself, im suicidal as hell but the light at the end of my tunnel is lively and bright! The problem is...Al Capone was my tunnel's engineer. I think he worked with Freud, Jung, and the "Saw" killa when he designed it. There are doors...many doors...ceilings, walls, and floors. Im tripping on wires and falling thru cracks. Sometimes a fist comes out of the wall just to take a whack. Those hits i can take...shyt i prefer them to the tricks. Then the tricks becomes my treats of life...if i can stand up from it and survive. Here i am still alive.
this time... It was outside forces. As usual. Hell, dont kid urself, im suicidal as hell but the light at the end of my tunnel is lively and bright! The problem is...Al Capone was my tunnel's engineer. I think he worked with Freud, Jung, and the "Saw" killa when he designed it. There are doors...many doors...ceilings, walls, and floors. Im tripping on wires and falling thru cracks. Sometimes a fist comes out of the wall just to take a whack. Those hits i can take...shyt i prefer them to the tricks. Then the tricks becomes my treats of life...if i can stand up from it and survive. Here i am still alive.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Open Book Factor...
Im at Saltgrass.
Drinking and Thinking.
Its been a trying few days.
My corporate pimps... I mean my bosses (husband and wife owned business) called me in to meet with them Monday 15 mins b4 5. I'll tell u about that later. It lit a fire under me though...to get to death quicker. Ha!
I was driving home.. Recieving messages by text and i exited and came to Saltgrass.
I had an epiphany of sorts. Since 2004 i've been in constant battle with my emotions...from the Taurus streak to the easy but flaky model chick to the pimp type playa celebrity chick...to jus me...well not quite.
During the Taurus streak, in the "in between" time, i was emoting all OVER the place. I stopped suppressing my emotions after 23 years and started letting them out. Verbal...blogging...texting...notes...however i could release, i did. Hoping to get the attention of someone who can help me not feel so abandoned, someone who could maybe love me, or better yet to get the attention of the one i was in love with at that time. I exposed flesh to anyone who could read. Now, I can be compromised.
One of the texts I recieved said "...im 100% in love with you."
The first thing i thought was...how did THAT happen? She's never even kissed me b4...how does she knw that?
Then the train of thought started to roll in. With all my flesh exposed...im basically open to ANYBODY who can read, falling in love with me...with my mind..with the way I love. The things I expose have been things that are necessary to make a relationship of any kind work (with me...i cant speak for another. I exposed my demand for respect, my disdain for lies and liars, my respect for the truth, my need for honesty, my anger, my pain, my illnesses, my beaten strength, my unfortunate self image, my needs, my wants and everything in between.
This "place" is a complete 180 from SEARCHIN for love...any kind of love...for tha love of God can i get some love! But thats when i was suppressing it all. NOW, people honestly may not have to meet me to fall in love with parts of me. All that would be left to get in the way is physical attraction.
So now... In assessment... I went from being on a mad hunt for love, truth and understanding... lovestarved. Flipped myself inside out to the internet, exposing all my thoughts, dreams, disappointments, desires, needs, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerablilties. Now here on the other side of insanity...i have more than one person "in love" with me. Aint that a bitch. This is new ground for me. The part that makes it ill is that after failing at love so many times, im on lovestrike. What do i do with this?
Im VERY protective of the people who love me..genuinely. There arent that many because like i said...i didnt start exposing all those things until 2004ish. So, the few that loved me last...still love me...and a few more. I didnt see this creeping up on me. Now, i dont knw how to protect all these hearts...collectively.
This definitely has me concerned...
Drinking and Thinking.
Its been a trying few days.
My corporate pimps... I mean my bosses (husband and wife owned business) called me in to meet with them Monday 15 mins b4 5. I'll tell u about that later. It lit a fire under me though...to get to death quicker. Ha!
I was driving home.. Recieving messages by text and i exited and came to Saltgrass.
I had an epiphany of sorts. Since 2004 i've been in constant battle with my emotions...from the Taurus streak to the easy but flaky model chick to the pimp type playa celebrity chick...to jus me...well not quite.
During the Taurus streak, in the "in between" time, i was emoting all OVER the place. I stopped suppressing my emotions after 23 years and started letting them out. Verbal...blogging...texting...notes...however i could release, i did. Hoping to get the attention of someone who can help me not feel so abandoned, someone who could maybe love me, or better yet to get the attention of the one i was in love with at that time. I exposed flesh to anyone who could read. Now, I can be compromised.
One of the texts I recieved said "...im 100% in love with you."
The first thing i thought was...how did THAT happen? She's never even kissed me b4...how does she knw that?
Then the train of thought started to roll in. With all my flesh exposed...im basically open to ANYBODY who can read, falling in love with me...with my mind..with the way I love. The things I expose have been things that are necessary to make a relationship of any kind work (with me...i cant speak for another. I exposed my demand for respect, my disdain for lies and liars, my respect for the truth, my need for honesty, my anger, my pain, my illnesses, my beaten strength, my unfortunate self image, my needs, my wants and everything in between.
This "place" is a complete 180 from SEARCHIN for love...any kind of love...for tha love of God can i get some love! But thats when i was suppressing it all. NOW, people honestly may not have to meet me to fall in love with parts of me. All that would be left to get in the way is physical attraction.
So now... In assessment... I went from being on a mad hunt for love, truth and understanding... lovestarved. Flipped myself inside out to the internet, exposing all my thoughts, dreams, disappointments, desires, needs, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerablilties. Now here on the other side of insanity...i have more than one person "in love" with me. Aint that a bitch. This is new ground for me. The part that makes it ill is that after failing at love so many times, im on lovestrike. What do i do with this?
Im VERY protective of the people who love me..genuinely. There arent that many because like i said...i didnt start exposing all those things until 2004ish. So, the few that loved me last...still love me...and a few more. I didnt see this creeping up on me. Now, i dont knw how to protect all these hearts...collectively.
This definitely has me concerned...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Am i alone here...
This is the first blog i never invited people to subscribe to...and i wont. I wonder, tho... Is there anybody who knows me reading this blog? Have any of my friends found me or am i still virtually anonymous here?
Perception of Perfection...
Somebody said to me yesterday. Someone dear to me said:
I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…
Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh
It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.
I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…
Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.
“Starla, even with all your “insanity” and everything you think is wrong with
you… I’m sorry, to me, you are just perfect. Everything about you is PERFECT.”
I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…
Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh
It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.
I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…
Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Music Industry vs. America's Checkbook
Ok. So have you heard? R. Kelly is not guilty on all charges.
Alright. Everybody knows the deal… what he did, what he didn’t do, what was on the tape, who peed on who, who let themselves get peed on, who fucked who, who sucked who and all the red tape around it.
Now… I’m wondering just how much scrutiny is he going to be under and for how long. I’m not in “loops”, I keep my distance from the loop, but so far from what I’ve seen Black America is 50/50. Half are happy he got off, the other half are saying it’s basically bullshit…they let all celebrities go cuz they got the money. As usual, I’m in the gray.
First off… let me say this. America’s system AINT set up for US. The reality is R. Kelly had the loot to buy out the system, just like the rest. I mean, you see how hit and miss America is with “breaking the law” in the last 10 years. Now, everybody want to play judge and jury and make an example out of certain people and not others. Paris Hilton, Michael Vick, Lindsay Lohan, Martha Stewart, Nicole Richie, Michael Jackson, Winona Ryder, OJ, TI, hell, Enron… etc. The SYSTEM is designed to regulate the siphoning of money out of our pockets and we act like we don’t know it. Who is FICA (you know who FICA is) and do they NOT have ENOUGH of EVERYBODY’s money YET!?! Come on now!! Why does everything COST money? Simulate the economy my ASS. Where is my economy? Is there NOT other currency… services perhaps… goods maybe? I’m good at shyt but Hell no I don’t wanna pay 10’s of thousands of dollars to get a piece a paper from some government regulated university to say that I am… see… more money out my pocket. People are money-hungry, because in this country, under the laws of THIS system, we NEED it. Not want… NEED. I HATE THAT I NEED MONEY. I don’t WANT a dime, but got-damnit because I live in this fucked up country I literally can’t live without it cuz I gotta eat. The system is about MONEY. This country is run by capitalists.
With that… do you not know that it costs US to feed and house them MFs in jail? So how any BROKE MF can promote sending extra MFs to jail is beyond me. I, even almost went to jail last year… for a fucking inspection sticker!! Luckily, they gave me another court date before they booked me. But, that shit…that time “in custody” turned my life around. I’m in Texas so I’ve dealt with my share of racism, the flame never dies. When an inspection sticker almost lands you in jail, it’s hard not to question everything about this system, this country and this trap I was born into. Bottom line, the system makes us pay for R. Kelly to be jailed but the system gets paid more from R. Kelly’s tax return AND sales on his talent. Sorry. Just simple reality.
I’m not saying R. Kelly was right. Not by a long shot, but I did not want him to go to jail. R. Kelly in jail does no good. That’s a grown ass man and if you listen to his music, he has his fun, but he’s not without intelligence and life experience. He’s not a menace to society. Stop acting like “making a nikka pay” is Justice! Mama’s need to keep a tighter lock on their damned kids under 18, FIRST. And as Huey said Get the nikka some counseling or a REAL woman. I mean, isn’t jail supposed to “rehabilitate” anyway. Why is the answer always “send that nigga to jail!” What happened to CORRECTING the problem, not shelving it in a jail cell. TRUE, I’d be pissed if that was say… my lil sister. I’d be ASHAMED, if that was my daughter. BUT, I would ensure that personal responsibility would NOT go unnoticed. I wouldn’t run to no police station and embarrass my loved one by putting her all in the lines of THAT kind of fire. That woman (yeah, woman…she grown and will prolly fuck him again) will always be known as “That girl R. Kelly peed on”. Now who gone put themselves in that position for HONORABLE reasons. It’s EXTORTION folks! I don’t know the circumstances of their relationship and neither do you. But you got to be REAL unhappy or REAL broke to put all that business out there, ruining any chance at a respectable life cuz you getting peed on in a video and pretend ur seeking justice. Naw, bitch, you seeking PAYMENT….and you got some of that R. Kelly dick she OBVIOUSLY wanted. Now which one of the two was actually wronged.
He aint a hero for beating the system, he’s just a man. The system know that R. Kelly albums stimulate the economy. So why be mad at R. for being raked thru the same system YOU living in? Once they charge you, you are hanging by your short and curlies and all u can do is fight! That’s what court is for…your shot… your chance to FIGHT the system. In America, the best weapon is money baby. He came, he peed, he was charged, he fought, he won. NOW, that nikka take a note and lay low.
ROBERT!! Stay AWAY FROM THEM YOUNG HOES. Hoes do what they go to do, with no second thoughts about extorting from you.
Alright. Everybody knows the deal… what he did, what he didn’t do, what was on the tape, who peed on who, who let themselves get peed on, who fucked who, who sucked who and all the red tape around it.
Now… I’m wondering just how much scrutiny is he going to be under and for how long. I’m not in “loops”, I keep my distance from the loop, but so far from what I’ve seen Black America is 50/50. Half are happy he got off, the other half are saying it’s basically bullshit…they let all celebrities go cuz they got the money. As usual, I’m in the gray.
First off… let me say this. America’s system AINT set up for US. The reality is R. Kelly had the loot to buy out the system, just like the rest. I mean, you see how hit and miss America is with “breaking the law” in the last 10 years. Now, everybody want to play judge and jury and make an example out of certain people and not others. Paris Hilton, Michael Vick, Lindsay Lohan, Martha Stewart, Nicole Richie, Michael Jackson, Winona Ryder, OJ, TI, hell, Enron… etc. The SYSTEM is designed to regulate the siphoning of money out of our pockets and we act like we don’t know it. Who is FICA (you know who FICA is) and do they NOT have ENOUGH of EVERYBODY’s money YET!?! Come on now!! Why does everything COST money? Simulate the economy my ASS. Where is my economy? Is there NOT other currency… services perhaps… goods maybe? I’m good at shyt but Hell no I don’t wanna pay 10’s of thousands of dollars to get a piece a paper from some government regulated university to say that I am… see… more money out my pocket. People are money-hungry, because in this country, under the laws of THIS system, we NEED it. Not want… NEED. I HATE THAT I NEED MONEY. I don’t WANT a dime, but got-damnit because I live in this fucked up country I literally can’t live without it cuz I gotta eat. The system is about MONEY. This country is run by capitalists.
With that… do you not know that it costs US to feed and house them MFs in jail? So how any BROKE MF can promote sending extra MFs to jail is beyond me. I, even almost went to jail last year… for a fucking inspection sticker!! Luckily, they gave me another court date before they booked me. But, that shit…that time “in custody” turned my life around. I’m in Texas so I’ve dealt with my share of racism, the flame never dies. When an inspection sticker almost lands you in jail, it’s hard not to question everything about this system, this country and this trap I was born into. Bottom line, the system makes us pay for R. Kelly to be jailed but the system gets paid more from R. Kelly’s tax return AND sales on his talent. Sorry. Just simple reality.
I’m not saying R. Kelly was right. Not by a long shot, but I did not want him to go to jail. R. Kelly in jail does no good. That’s a grown ass man and if you listen to his music, he has his fun, but he’s not without intelligence and life experience. He’s not a menace to society. Stop acting like “making a nikka pay” is Justice! Mama’s need to keep a tighter lock on their damned kids under 18, FIRST. And as Huey said Get the nikka some counseling or a REAL woman. I mean, isn’t jail supposed to “rehabilitate” anyway. Why is the answer always “send that nigga to jail!” What happened to CORRECTING the problem, not shelving it in a jail cell. TRUE, I’d be pissed if that was say… my lil sister. I’d be ASHAMED, if that was my daughter. BUT, I would ensure that personal responsibility would NOT go unnoticed. I wouldn’t run to no police station and embarrass my loved one by putting her all in the lines of THAT kind of fire. That woman (yeah, woman…she grown and will prolly fuck him again) will always be known as “That girl R. Kelly peed on”. Now who gone put themselves in that position for HONORABLE reasons. It’s EXTORTION folks! I don’t know the circumstances of their relationship and neither do you. But you got to be REAL unhappy or REAL broke to put all that business out there, ruining any chance at a respectable life cuz you getting peed on in a video and pretend ur seeking justice. Naw, bitch, you seeking PAYMENT….and you got some of that R. Kelly dick she OBVIOUSLY wanted. Now which one of the two was actually wronged.
He aint a hero for beating the system, he’s just a man. The system know that R. Kelly albums stimulate the economy. So why be mad at R. for being raked thru the same system YOU living in? Once they charge you, you are hanging by your short and curlies and all u can do is fight! That’s what court is for…your shot… your chance to FIGHT the system. In America, the best weapon is money baby. He came, he peed, he was charged, he fought, he won. NOW, that nikka take a note and lay low.
ROBERT!! Stay AWAY FROM THEM YOUNG HOES. Hoes do what they go to do, with no second thoughts about extorting from you.
Sanity over Sex
Well… as expected… my ex…my houseguest tried to GET THA DRAWS DAWWG! LOL. What made it so weak is that… it was completely obvious that THAT’S where her head was as SOON as the sun started creepin down Sunday. I actually got some cleaning done whilst I was trying to do that Avoid-dance. It was like I could smell the heat on her or something. In the interest of keeping the weekend as platonic as it NEED to be, I tried to keep her distracted. Aint that a bitch. Somebody who loves silent attention as much as I do was doing everything I could to keep attention off me. Hell my broke ass even went to blockbuster and rented STRICTLY COMEDIES. MAN, I’ve never had this effect on a person. It’s very strange. I’m indifferent about it.
When you previously lived with a person… slept with them… ate with them… laid with them… showered with them… waited 35-45 minutes after one of their meetings with the Porcelain President in the john… it’s hard to find that platonic balance especially when one of you is still in love. My level of comfort with her crosses platonic lines. I’m comfortable around her, I just don’t trust her… ya know… like a child. Ya love’em but you watch they ass cuz you know when the got summin brewing… and it’s a child… so it’s like a machete vs. butter knife. When/if the kid fuck up, it’s not gonna fuck up your comfort persay, it just means a lesson must be taught. That’s where I am with her. I know she got some shit brewing and ALWAYS do. That’s just who she is. I accepted that. The problem is, her judgment is questionable AT BEST…at BEST, so unfortunately (like a child), she would need to filter all her decisions through me. Aint THAT a bitch. I don’t EVER wanna date somebody (again) that I literally can’t trust out of arms length…not even just line of sight even tho that’s already bad enough.
Ugh… all this shit I’m talkin’ I got away from the part where I tell on myself. About them platonic lines, well… aight… well… It wasn’t me tho, she did it… ok… we kinda kissed a lil. I know it don’t sound like much…hell it wasn’t to me, that’s why I let it happen. But um, she was ill-prepared. I think that’s what rattled her out of that platonic place. She spent the whole evening, hell the whole weekend, in cold showers and pouting and smoking. But, to know me is to know me so know this, I’m cool in all these kinda situations. I had to be. The shit was in MY HOUSE. I don’t allow invasions of discomfort anymore in my home…t’is what drove me insane. I still chilled, kicked it, laughed, did some cleaning and dranking and eating and just enjoying the time. Then… last night she pulled out a classic move. Started moving everything from in front of me to clear a path for her to “make her move”. I was in the middle of break up some Sophie’s Tea, so tea on my hands and fingernails, I’m OBVIOUSLY preparing to sip. Without thought, she made her move. She tried to be coy about it at first like she used to do in the beginning, when she was still hoe-in. She snaked up on me and laid on my thigh with that look in her eye. I was like here it commmmmes! After many, unsuccessful hints, She asked to “make love” to me…specifically stating she did NOT wanna fuck. Still, only thing for me to say to that is ummmm… no, but… thanks? And that pretty much ended the weekend. LOL. She turned sour, her whole demeanor flipped, and I think she managed to clear a pack of cigs in tha day. I took my sleeping pills, laughed at Doug and Carrie and some Family Guy, finally sipped my tea and passed out. The way she left this morning, I think she knows she fucked up her cause. She only sees one thing…one way. Either we are going to be together or she has no reason to live. I need her to snap out of that shyt. I’ve offered her my friendship… but she doesn’t do compromise. Friendship aint BLACK or WHITE enough for her, it’s too much like defeat.
DAMN, some people just don’t have a gray area…called Extremists. She’s such an extremist, some of it she STILL can’t recognize. I accept that too. She just forces her force on me. Yeah I said that right. Everything in her life is forced for credit purposes…meaning somebody gotta “Take the heat” or “Get mad props”…she always pulls her huge SELF-SIZED solar reflecting mirror out to ENSURE that any heat she feel is shifted, where to, she doesn’t care, just NOT on her. Imagine how she takes to “getting mad props”. Yeah, you guessed it, boastfully disgusting. Which makes her the target of a lot of head games and not just from me. What’s fucked up is, she and I could help each other out a lot, if she knew how to ride the gray without dipping in the Black or White.
When you previously lived with a person… slept with them… ate with them… laid with them… showered with them… waited 35-45 minutes after one of their meetings with the Porcelain President in the john… it’s hard to find that platonic balance especially when one of you is still in love. My level of comfort with her crosses platonic lines. I’m comfortable around her, I just don’t trust her… ya know… like a child. Ya love’em but you watch they ass cuz you know when the got summin brewing… and it’s a child… so it’s like a machete vs. butter knife. When/if the kid fuck up, it’s not gonna fuck up your comfort persay, it just means a lesson must be taught. That’s where I am with her. I know she got some shit brewing and ALWAYS do. That’s just who she is. I accepted that. The problem is, her judgment is questionable AT BEST…at BEST, so unfortunately (like a child), she would need to filter all her decisions through me. Aint THAT a bitch. I don’t EVER wanna date somebody (again) that I literally can’t trust out of arms length…not even just line of sight even tho that’s already bad enough.
Ugh… all this shit I’m talkin’ I got away from the part where I tell on myself. About them platonic lines, well… aight… well… It wasn’t me tho, she did it… ok… we kinda kissed a lil. I know it don’t sound like much…hell it wasn’t to me, that’s why I let it happen. But um, she was ill-prepared. I think that’s what rattled her out of that platonic place. She spent the whole evening, hell the whole weekend, in cold showers and pouting and smoking. But, to know me is to know me so know this, I’m cool in all these kinda situations. I had to be. The shit was in MY HOUSE. I don’t allow invasions of discomfort anymore in my home…t’is what drove me insane. I still chilled, kicked it, laughed, did some cleaning and dranking and eating and just enjoying the time. Then… last night she pulled out a classic move. Started moving everything from in front of me to clear a path for her to “make her move”. I was in the middle of break up some Sophie’s Tea, so tea on my hands and fingernails, I’m OBVIOUSLY preparing to sip. Without thought, she made her move. She tried to be coy about it at first like she used to do in the beginning, when she was still hoe-in. She snaked up on me and laid on my thigh with that look in her eye. I was like here it commmmmes! After many, unsuccessful hints, She asked to “make love” to me…specifically stating she did NOT wanna fuck. Still, only thing for me to say to that is ummmm… no, but… thanks? And that pretty much ended the weekend. LOL. She turned sour, her whole demeanor flipped, and I think she managed to clear a pack of cigs in tha day. I took my sleeping pills, laughed at Doug and Carrie and some Family Guy, finally sipped my tea and passed out. The way she left this morning, I think she knows she fucked up her cause. She only sees one thing…one way. Either we are going to be together or she has no reason to live. I need her to snap out of that shyt. I’ve offered her my friendship… but she doesn’t do compromise. Friendship aint BLACK or WHITE enough for her, it’s too much like defeat.
DAMN, some people just don’t have a gray area…called Extremists. She’s such an extremist, some of it she STILL can’t recognize. I accept that too. She just forces her force on me. Yeah I said that right. Everything in her life is forced for credit purposes…meaning somebody gotta “Take the heat” or “Get mad props”…she always pulls her huge SELF-SIZED solar reflecting mirror out to ENSURE that any heat she feel is shifted, where to, she doesn’t care, just NOT on her. Imagine how she takes to “getting mad props”. Yeah, you guessed it, boastfully disgusting. Which makes her the target of a lot of head games and not just from me. What’s fucked up is, she and I could help each other out a lot, if she knew how to ride the gray without dipping in the Black or White.
Somewhere I belong...
My life has hit a snag. I'm finally single and NOT in love and i have NO single friends to share my need for good stimulating conversation or just good friendly fun. I need a secondary crew. A group of young men and/or women with similar interests to hang out with. Im so bored, i feel...expired. Im 26 for God's sake! Its not over for me yet, so why is it so hard for out and have fun with.
My ex (who's always trying to hang) just wants to sit and flirt and look and every now and again at her convenience, act jealous about some nonexistant bitch im talking to. Otherwise, we have nothing in common...hence her being my ex...
My ex (who's always trying to hang) just wants to sit and flirt and look and every now and again at her convenience, act jealous about some nonexistant bitch im talking to. Otherwise, we have nothing in common...hence her being my ex...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Lot on my mind...
Good to have new ground.
I was up almost all nite and I didn't sleep soundly. I've been on liquidation... consolidation mode. Survival technique. America is going down... fast. Economic situations are getting worse everyday, mine is no exception. I have to grab the thread before it's too late.
Problem with me is... I'm completely insane! I love/hate myself and if that perfect accident ever presents itself.... PEACE OUUUTTT!! So dont get too attached. I post shyt because at some point people started reading... and liking some of what I wrote. I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist. I'm not a poet. I just write. I want to post all my old blogs here and have them archived so they will all be in one place... i wonder if there is a way to do that? That would be GREAT!
What's funny is... I bet my boss is going to block this site once she sees I've logged on. Oh yeah, another antecdote about me.... I'm a corporate whore that, after 7 years of taking it up the A** with no vaseline, has become hostile and a lot less cooperative with "the System" and my job and coworkers. This shit is ill. I'll tell ya about that another day. I try not to complain, but shyt... i gotta come here everyday and take somebody else's heat and I'm one of the 3 people in this office that WORKS... during work hours....... umm.... even tho I'm late everyday (HA!)... yeah that's why they're mad at me. But there are 2 sides... like I said... another day. I'm gonna need a new job in a few weeks I'm SURE. I'm good with that though. I dont need the negativity...it's worth the hit. My sanity is much more valuable than their corporate check.
Much L.
I was up almost all nite and I didn't sleep soundly. I've been on liquidation... consolidation mode. Survival technique. America is going down... fast. Economic situations are getting worse everyday, mine is no exception. I have to grab the thread before it's too late.
Problem with me is... I'm completely insane! I love/hate myself and if that perfect accident ever presents itself.... PEACE OUUUTTT!! So dont get too attached. I post shyt because at some point people started reading... and liking some of what I wrote. I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist. I'm not a poet. I just write. I want to post all my old blogs here and have them archived so they will all be in one place... i wonder if there is a way to do that? That would be GREAT!
What's funny is... I bet my boss is going to block this site once she sees I've logged on. Oh yeah, another antecdote about me.... I'm a corporate whore that, after 7 years of taking it up the A** with no vaseline, has become hostile and a lot less cooperative with "the System" and my job and coworkers. This shit is ill. I'll tell ya about that another day. I try not to complain, but shyt... i gotta come here everyday and take somebody else's heat and I'm one of the 3 people in this office that WORKS... during work hours....... umm.... even tho I'm late everyday (HA!)... yeah that's why they're mad at me. But there are 2 sides... like I said... another day. I'm gonna need a new job in a few weeks I'm SURE. I'm good with that though. I dont need the negativity...it's worth the hit. My sanity is much more valuable than their corporate check.
Much L.
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