As my father recently did, I just got my heart broken...well more like Cracked again a couple days ago. SADLY, all these people who broke my heart were actually the people I held nearest and dearest to mine.
I had to find out the hard way, once again that I go all in too fast when I really believe in the hand I was dealt... sadly mistaken. As I smoked my last clove last night I was playing "Soon A New Day" by Talib Kweli and Norah Jones on repeat. If I find enough layers of clothes, I'm about to go do it again. I had to reflect on the days and the people I talked to, the people I loved, the people I trusted, the very people I'm staying alive for...and how they all simultaneously let me down. And I cried sitting outside blowing smoke with no clove. Only 2 tears fell, which was odd to me. Inside i felt this tsunami of emotion but the tears were simply not indicative. As I sniffled and kept listening, I wiped the first tear and I thought about the friends I'd released over the past few years and I was at peace as I blew the tear into the cold night air. The second tear fell slow. Remembering 28 years of blood relatives, good, bad, nice, mean, real, messy, sacrilegious, righteous, irresponsible, intelligent, posers and frauds.... The tear seemed to stop...my breathing stopped and reflection began. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY RUNNING A LIFE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY AM I LETTING THEM? I let that tear hit the tip of my fingernail and flicked it like a bic. The first tear represented all the friends I thought were my own, the lost investments that I'll never see returns for. The second tear represented all the family with strands of DNA matching my own, the people we call kinfolk, the people who will tell u for Life, they "will always be there for you no matter what cuz we blood". I let the tear collect itself on the tip of my fingernail and flicked it angrily...
Sitting out there in the cold (I actually wanna finish typing this out there with a clove...2 secs)
Ok...now i'm outside...feel a lil freeer... but distracted by my music. lol. I'm at the station... I'll catch the next train of thought.
As I take this...umpteenth time to evaluate the connections I have/had, I have to dig deeper into myself than I want to, but it's necessary. Trying to avoid repetition is hard. I've done this evaluation before and my cipher shrank like alum on moist lips. I couldn't have been happier. Then, there was an invasion of the mind and the heart that cost more than I had to give...emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...and even Morally. When my heart is involved, I do major analysis of self and the person who managed to penetrate that part of me and why.
When I say I love you, I mean it. I've been told so many things I couldn't quite submit to.
"Love the one who loves you"
"You fuck with me, you stuck with me"
"Never trust nobody"
"Family is most important"
"You don't Let anybody love you, Starla"
"Don't fuck with nobody who can't but bread on the table"
"Don't do anything in life for free"
"Fuck them if they can't do nothing for you"
Some of this is old advice, some new. Some from those I respect, some from those I don't.I've stated before that my life centers around respect, love, peace, dignity, integrity, honesty and reality. In the midst of my small cipher of friends and family, I've learned that I may have misread a lot of people for a lot of the wrong reasons. The invasion opened up a part of me that's simply dangerous...and now that I'm public property, people are starting to notice. As they change the way they look at me...the appropriate chakras react and I'm left feel like I'm 12 years old all over again. I grew up feeling like a constant disappointment for various reasons and that was one of the few issues I couldn't remove, so I had to understand it. When I embark upon a new connection, It's understood that I have a few issues left that did not absorb and disappear with adulthood. This difference between me and most is that I'm very aware of what issues I have/had and are still working on. I've spent the last 3 years seeking love..seeking the romantic connection. Has it worked against me that i'm too self-aware...Absolutely. I know I can't expect everyone to be as aware as I am because they haven't walked this barefoot broken glass road. The mistake I made was...the harder I was on myself, the harder I was on those I loved. It wasn't intentional. If years have passed and we've shared innermost thoughts and connected on a level that we know others around us may not be able to reach with anyone, I consider that a special bond. Unerstanding my unconventional ways of learning life and respecting my quest for the truth regardless of how many new hater I produce...takes a special person. So many...soooo many fell thru the cracks of confusion and lack of understanding. these are people I care about and always will, but as open as I am, if you have spent a significant amount of time with me and you still question my genuine motives, it's probable cause for me to question your motives toward me. Takes me to Jill Scott... "My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer...didn't you no this...or didn't u notice..?"
This isn't new information or shouldn't be:
"It's not wise to trust someone who doesn't trust you"
In this case, someone is withholding trust for a reason, most commonly because THEY aren't trustworthy. It's reasonable for them, knowing me and all I've showed them that I'm capable of being just as untrustworthy as they are. A simple testiment of how afraid they are of feeling the same pain they've inflicted on another. This phase can pass...but the time it takes may be beyond the patience of this person ur withholding from.
"Beware of random outrageous accusations"
I KNOW when I've fucked up. I KNOW when I've done something wrong and to expect Karma to come holla at me. But when someone close to me accuses me of something I haven't done...and know in my mind and heart that I would never do with a clear conscience, I look at them more sideways than they look at me. I've NEVER been good at concealing my emotions, my face gives away what I'm feeling everytime...which frankly I'm glad about. One less discussion I have to have, all you have to do is pay attention. And if you ask, i'll tell ya. point blank. The problem here is, I've dug deep into this accusation on me and anazlyzed...WHY would you think that...and you KNOW me. When they feel sideways look and the change in the way I treat them because I'm no longer just enjoying company, I'm wondering how a fraud thought came into our scene and I know I've been genuine...so who isn't if it's not me.
"Beware of sudden unusual silence"
This is something I'm guilty of. When someone suddenly shuts down on you and it's completely uncharacteristic of that person, something has changed. If ur closest souls, don't, won't or can't ask you, "What's up...I can tell when something's wrong so what's the deal", that connection is in jeopardy. If ur closest friend/lover isn't comfortable "gettin in your business", you really haven't been in the business of friendship. even the most private person has SOMEONE they tell everything to...all back to trust. If you suddenly are getting bits and pieces of a story you would usually get more details than you may even want...beware.
This isn't over... it's just cold as hell out here.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A long dream
I woke up at 4:33pm today. So I must hurry before more of it fades.
Somewhere in a town unknown... I was at,my ex’s..lets call her Dee. I was at Dee’s mom’s house for a major family gathering. I don’t know how I got there or why. I was completely unwanted in the house. there was arguing, the daggering looks were enough to kill any mortal. Dee seemed to be absent. I can’t remember seeing her anywhere. I was essentially alone in a house full for hatred for me. No idea why I was there. Went out to smoke a cigarette on the porch..then 2...a large man came out of the house and told me I shouldn’t be there and Dee had a new girlfriend and I'm complicating things then he angrily walked back in the house and slammed the door. I tried to finish the last half of my cig then suddenly I heard the sirens...then saw the flashing lights. The porch started to flood with bodies baring no love...still no Dee in sight. I’m amongst a plethora of people who hate me because they know the story Dee told them and not the Truth. I quietly was escorted to the back of the squad car and taken directly to jail. I had some interesting conversations with the other inmates...crimes...non-crimes...those that belonged and those that did not. I’ve learned well how to handle being in jail so I just listened and rode it out because I had no idea what exactly I was charged with and didn’t remember even thinking about it. The tank door opened and I heard my name....which becomes VERY exciting after sitting in a room from of women who hadn’t had a chance to shower, brush their teeth or even eat for 2 days. After protocols were met I saw my mother. Relief.
She get me released and took me where I said to go. Before we could get down the stairs, we had another obstacle. My mom isn’t fearless like me, so when the packed stairwell cleared she was not ready to see the dead body being tended to on laying between the 3rd and 2nd floor. Never got the deets but this man had obviously crossed the wrong person. he didn’t fall and die like that in jail. When we made it to the 1st floor and it was exit time the cops were all pretty decent. I passed by a desk and saw calendars on display with Hot chicas so I asked if i could have one. the cop laughed and said sure, why not. hehehe. Sweet. I left jail with a consolation prize. Once there was room to move, I went back to Dee’s mom’s house and with anger I was told her girlfriend, a stud, picked her up and they left. Taken aback and amused I needed to see a lil more. She has no reason to hate me that bad, I’ve been through enough because of Dee, so I had nothing left to lose. I rode around for a while still reeling a bit from being arrested with no good reason...with my mother. But she was more like my accomplice at this point...didn't question much...she knew something was on my mind just, no clue what position I was about to take. Went back to Dee’s street and parked at the corner and decided to walk it at around midnight. I noticed a field of cotton or corn (high strips of plant) behind the houses on that street so I walked thru someone’s backyard and proceeded to walk. I saw a drum circle with a fire in the middle, would have stopped...but on a small mission. kept walking..and walking...nothing between the strips of plant. Then ahead I saw a bit further up a wide open portion of the field. When we got there, I stopped, got my weapon ready just in case. Casing the large open space, I walked in a lil deeper and that’s when I saw it. A red bag, a thick brown blanket with a head peeking out of the top. I looked a lil closer and there she was. I don’t know where my mom went...just a dream glitch. Curled up in a blanket lying in a field.... alone. I walked up on her and she said “What the fuck are u doing here..get the fuck out of my face.” No way someone I used to be in love with was gonna get rid of me that easy outside in a field. She continued to lay there as if she was alone and i wasn’t going to let it go that easy...she didn’t for me. But my intent was different than hers. It hurt me to see this..I mean she’s sleeping outside deep in a field so even if there was a new girlfriend, she VERY much not on her job. Dee and I fought like Rams and Lions but NEVER would I have left her out there like that. So the first thing I asked her was “Is this REALLY what u want?” She didn’t reply. I said “Dee we were better than this and could have grown into that couple with superpowers...you know this. I’m not trying to get u back because I heard about your latest girlfriend..and I hope she’s making you happy, It’s not ok with me that u made our relationship seem like a mistake. Her next words were “Leave me the fuck alone”. Didn’t bother me, I know my bay-bee. So I opened her bag, then I saw her eyes for the first time that night. I saw familiar thing and unfamiliar. Red shirt, boots, female necessities and I locked in on a hair conditioner (a Larger bottle than usual) I’d never seen. I was like oh shit...I always loved her natural hair. I popped it open and she heard it and her head popped up. I put a bit in my hand to rub in and apply and as I was rubbing my hands together, I saw her eyes again..More daggers. It was more like “BITCH, are you SERIOUSLY using my GOT DAMN conditioner. I don’t know whether to punch you in the face or choke you OUT in this field” look. Fear is no longer a factor between me and Dee, we are in a "’Do or Die’ ‘nothing to lose’ phase in our ‘afterlove’. I applied the conditioner to my fro and was like “sweet”. Whether she loved or hated me in her heart, I didn’t care at that point, I knew what was in my heart and I don’t allow that to be compromised. So I was prepared for her to slap the shit out of me, but at the same time I know how priorities change when you are reduced to sleeping with no roof. I took a deep breath and said, “Ba, we were better than this and what happened should NEVER have happened. I was hard on u because you wanted to be taught how to love and you know I was equipped. You let you need for power and you extreme pride make you take OUR home away from both of us. YES, I said OUR home...(Martin and Gina) ours ours ours Ouuuuurs. We made mistakes but there is NO reason we should just hate each other for life when we know this was both our fault. We killed the love with our pride. That’s not a substantial reason for hate. And never have I doubted your capacity to know that.” Then I laid next to her in the field and slept in peace...but a little curious.
My attempt to make MY part right was officially made. If I didn’t wake up from that slumber, I was at peace.
Then I woke up not knowing where I was...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
stuck in a room
maybe my life's not meant to ever be
what it used to be
in this room the wall
stares at me
outside this door
the world is happy
not caring if i'm in here dying
bled it out
dug deeper just to have
it thrown in my face
people who loved me once
look at my face in pics
and see disgrace
I dont wanna force my way
I stay out of the way
I've even put my head down
and started to pray
whoever's listening
knows I cant live this way
and continues to let me dig my grave
so ok...
what it used to be
in this room the wall
stares at me
outside this door
the world is happy
not caring if i'm in here dying
bled it out
dug deeper just to have
it thrown in my face
people who loved me once
look at my face in pics
and see disgrace
I dont wanna force my way
I stay out of the way
I've even put my head down
and started to pray
whoever's listening
knows I cant live this way
and continues to let me dig my grave
so ok...
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Previous... Criminal Love
That simply wasnt the way to handle her hate.
She lied cheated hoed and STILL escaped.
She don't know I TOLD them to go easy
Cuz I was dumb enough to love her ass to pieces
The DA called ME...She only OUT on MY call
They didnt want her to have her fuckin freedom at ALL
But I'm the bitch and the hoe and fraud that they "told her so"
Betcha she'll never do dumb shyt like that no mo
My mouth STILL full cuz tha baby don't appreciate
What I did for her life and how she view it today
Funny thing when she got out..she APOLOGIZED
To everyone but one she loved but left alone to die
Deliberately putting her life in my hands
Cuz I was the only bitch that stood up to her like a man
Think I can't aim..? What I do when i know she came to bleed
I got your suicide note... see i knew it was YOU or ME.
She gets out THANKS to me, apologize to the team
For abandonment cuz she was chasing pavements and dreams
Deep down inside she know she fucked up a GOOD thing...
She lied cheated hoed and STILL escaped.
She don't know I TOLD them to go easy
Cuz I was dumb enough to love her ass to pieces
The DA called ME...She only OUT on MY call
They didnt want her to have her fuckin freedom at ALL
But I'm the bitch and the hoe and fraud that they "told her so"
Betcha she'll never do dumb shyt like that no mo
My mouth STILL full cuz tha baby don't appreciate
What I did for her life and how she view it today
Funny thing when she got out..she APOLOGIZED
To everyone but one she loved but left alone to die
Deliberately putting her life in my hands
Cuz I was the only bitch that stood up to her like a man
Think I can't aim..? What I do when i know she came to bleed
I got your suicide note... see i knew it was YOU or ME.
She gets out THANKS to me, apologize to the team
For abandonment cuz she was chasing pavements and dreams
Deep down inside she know she fucked up a GOOD thing...
MySpace.com Blogs - THAT DAMN PAPi: .:THA LAST OF MY KiND:.. MySpace Blog
MySpace.com Blogs - THAT DAMN PAPi: .:THA LAST OF MY KiND:.. MySpace Blog
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BUT i'LL ADMiT...iT WUZ MY DUMB AZZ cHOicE 2 HAVE U OVA iT ALL
NOW U TALKiN' SHiT ABOUT ME LiKE U GOT ALOT OF FUcKiN' BALLz
YO' MiND MiSSiN' iT's FUcKiN' SKREWz iZ THA MAiN REASON WE KOULD NEVA B 1
BUT iF BLAMiN' ME, PUTz THAT MUTHAFUcKA @ EASE...iT SHALL B DONE
U SAiD "If anything u say about u is true, we'd be makin big plans", EH?!
i'M REALLY GON' NEED 4 U 2 TELL ME WHUT THA HELL THAT MEANz EXAKTLY...?!
ME B-N THURR 4 U...RiGHT BY YO' SiDE OVA MY FAMiLY, MYSELF, & MY GROWTH 2
LOViN' YO' DURRTY STANKiN' AZZ DRAWz, HAViN' DREAMz OF B-N OLD WiT' U
U HAViN' MY NOSE SO FUcKiN' WiDE OPEN THAT U KOULDA TOLD ME THA SKY WUZ MUTHAFUcKiN' PiNK
i WOULD STARE @ THAT HOE & SAY, "DAMN...U KNOW WHUT?!?!? iT DAMN SHO' iZ!!!" WiT'OUT A DAMN BLiNK
THA BABY i SAiD i WOULDA HAD 4 U & THA FAKT THAT i STiLL TiL THiS DAY
HAVEN'T KOVERED UP YO' FUcKiN' NAME, @ ALL...N N E MUTHAFUcKiN' WAY
KUZ i KNOW THAT EVEN iF i DiD...iT WOULDN'T REMOVE YO' AZZ FROM MY FUcKiN' WEAK AZZ HEART
U GOT THA GALL 2 TRY 2 DiS ME & MY FEELiN'z 4 YO' BiTcH AZZ...NOW THAT's NOT VERY SMART
TALKiN' ABOUT HOW U @ LEAST WAiTED TiL i GOT OUT OF JAiL 2 GET SUM
WELL...KUDOz 4 U, BOO...KUZ i'M STiLL STUcK ON U & STiLL AiN'T GOT NONE
U WURR A PRUDE WiT ME, BUT ALL iT TOOK WUZ 4 U 2 LOcK ME UP 2 GiVE iT AWAY
@ NO FUcKiN' POiNT N TiME WUZ i ON YO' FUcKiN' MiND WHiLE GON' N E WAY
U NEEDED ME OUT THA WAY SO U KOULD GO 2 UR "HOUSE PARTiEz" & UR "KONcERTz"
WHO THA FUcK THROWz THOSE N 2009...ONLY A MUTHAFUcKA TRYNA GET N UR DAMN SKiRT!!!
i SHOULDA KNOWN BETTA WHEN U WOULD ALWAYz TELL ME 2 LEAVE
BUT AFTA SHE HELPED U BUST YO' NUT...iT WUZ ME U SAiD U NEED
THA FAKT THAT i WOULD ALWAYz KOME WHENEVA U WOULD KALL MEANT NUFFiN' 2 YO' AZZ
i BARELY HAD SHiT 2 MY FUcKiN' NAME, YET, SUMHOW, i ALWAYz GAVE U MY GOTDAMN LAST
1st RED FLAG THAT i iGGED...WUZ HOW U WOULD JUS GO THRU THA MOTiONz
BUT TURN RiGHT AROUND & TELL ME THAT i WUZ THA 1 LAcKiN' TRUE DEVOTiON
FUNNY HOW E'RRYTHANG U THOUGHT ABOUT ME, iZ SUMFiN' THAT U WURR DOiN'
WHiLE U WURR AcKUSiN' ME...WHicH HOE WUZ YO' AZZ OUT THURR SKREWiN'?!?
2nd RED FLAG...WUZ THA EMPTiNESS UR EYEz WOULD HAVE WHEN i POURED MY SOUL
A PRiME EXAMPLE OF HOW EVEN UR STONE HEART KONTAiNED A MAJOR FUcKiN' HOLE!
3rd RED FLAG...WHEN U AKTED A AZZ 4 ME THANKiN' MY FRiENDz 4 B-N BY MY SiDE
MY MiND SAiD, "RUN, BiTcH...RUN" BUT MY HEART SAiD, "JUS LET iT SLiDE"
4th RED FLAG...WHEN U THREW MY SHiT AWAY & SAiD UR AKTiONz WURR JUSTiFiED
BUT i STUcK BY U BUTT-NAKED, THO iT WUZ ALWAYz NSiDE THAT i KRiED
THURR WURR @ LEAST 50 MO', BUT i SWEAR i DON'T BLAME U @ ALL
KUZ THiS JUS SHOWz HOW U NOT KNOWiN' MY LOVE 4 U, WUZ/iZ MY DOWN FALL
iT HURTz 2 SEE U KAN HAVE A KOKE & A SMiLE AZ iF AiN'T SHiT HAPPENED...THAT i WiLL ADMiT
i WOULD HAVE PREFERRED 4 YO EX U STiLL LOVE 2 KOME UP 2 MY FAcE & LET LOOSE SUM SPiT
BUT i REFUSE 2 HAVE 1 MO' SLEEPLESS NiTE WUNDERiN', "DO i EVA...R DO U?!"
KUZ THA ANSWER'z PRETTY OBViOUS...SO AFTA THiS...i'M OFFiciALLY 2 THRU!
SAY WHUTEVA U WANT ABOUT ME...KUZ THiS iZ GETTiN' OLD & cHiLDiSH
i'MMA GET BAcK 2 MY BABY...THA 1 WHO KAN RiGHTFULLY HOLD THA STATUS!!!
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WOW...
SHE HAD A MOUTH FULL 2 SAY
WELL...
i GUESS iT WUZ GON' KOME OUT N E WAY
THA FAKT THiS DUMB AZZ HOE NEVA PAiD ATTENTiON 2 ME
SHOULDA BEEN A DAMN DAiLY REMiNDER OF THiS DESTiNY
THA MO' i TALK ABOUT MY FAMiLY, HER MiND GOEz LEFT
BiTcH...U DiDN'T WANT SHiT WiT ME...i'M NOT GON' HOLD MY DAMN BREATH
FUcK MY "ViSiBLE SKARz" & THiS TATT U NEVA TOOK 2 HEART
i BEEN HAD MY FUcKiN' PHOTO ABLUM OF YO' AZZ...JUS 2 SHOW "MY BETTA PART"
BUT OUTTA ANGER, YEAH...i cHANGED THA NAME OF iT
BUT 2 READ WHUT i DiD, LET's ME FURTHER KNOW, YO' AZZ iZ FULL OF SHiT
EVEN WiT' ALL THA "i TOLD U SO'z" THAT i REciEVED, i STiLL KLAiM MY FUcKiN' LOVE 4 U
BUT ALL U DiD/DO, iZ TREAT ME LiKE i'M SHiT ON THA BOTTOM OF YO' HOLEY SHOE
BiTcH...FUcK U, WHUT U STAND 4, & THA HiGH HORSE U TRYNA RiDE ON
THA FAKT U WUZN'T THURR 4 ME WHEN MY DADDY DiED, SHOULDA HAD ME SO GONE
SHE HAD A MOUTH FULL 2 SAY
WELL...
i GUESS iT WUZ GON' KOME OUT N E WAY
THA FAKT THiS DUMB AZZ HOE NEVA PAiD ATTENTiON 2 ME
SHOULDA BEEN A DAMN DAiLY REMiNDER OF THiS DESTiNY
THA MO' i TALK ABOUT MY FAMiLY, HER MiND GOEz LEFT
BiTcH...U DiDN'T WANT SHiT WiT ME...i'M NOT GON' HOLD MY DAMN BREATH
FUcK MY "ViSiBLE SKARz" & THiS TATT U NEVA TOOK 2 HEART
i BEEN HAD MY FUcKiN' PHOTO ABLUM OF YO' AZZ...JUS 2 SHOW "MY BETTA PART"
BUT OUTTA ANGER, YEAH...i cHANGED THA NAME OF iT
BUT 2 READ WHUT i DiD, LET's ME FURTHER KNOW, YO' AZZ iZ FULL OF SHiT
EVEN WiT' ALL THA "i TOLD U SO'z" THAT i REciEVED, i STiLL KLAiM MY FUcKiN' LOVE 4 U
BUT ALL U DiD/DO, iZ TREAT ME LiKE i'M SHiT ON THA BOTTOM OF YO' HOLEY SHOE
BiTcH...FUcK U, WHUT U STAND 4, & THA HiGH HORSE U TRYNA RiDE ON
THA FAKT U WUZN'T THURR 4 ME WHEN MY DADDY DiED, SHOULDA HAD ME SO GONE
BUT i'LL ADMiT...iT WUZ MY DUMB AZZ cHOicE 2 HAVE U OVA iT ALL
NOW U TALKiN' SHiT ABOUT ME LiKE U GOT ALOT OF FUcKiN' BALLz
YO' MiND MiSSiN' iT's FUcKiN' SKREWz iZ THA MAiN REASON WE KOULD NEVA B 1
BUT iF BLAMiN' ME, PUTz THAT MUTHAFUcKA @ EASE...iT SHALL B DONE
U SAiD "If anything u say about u is true, we'd be makin big plans", EH?!
i'M REALLY GON' NEED 4 U 2 TELL ME WHUT THA HELL THAT MEANz EXAKTLY...?!
ME B-N THURR 4 U...RiGHT BY YO' SiDE OVA MY FAMiLY, MYSELF, & MY GROWTH 2
LOViN' YO' DURRTY STANKiN' AZZ DRAWz, HAViN' DREAMz OF B-N OLD WiT' U
U HAViN' MY NOSE SO FUcKiN' WiDE OPEN THAT U KOULDA TOLD ME THA SKY WUZ MUTHAFUcKiN' PiNK
i WOULD STARE @ THAT HOE & SAY, "DAMN...U KNOW WHUT?!?!? iT DAMN SHO' iZ!!!" WiT'OUT A DAMN BLiNK
THA BABY i SAiD i WOULDA HAD 4 U & THA FAKT THAT i STiLL TiL THiS DAY
HAVEN'T KOVERED UP YO' FUcKiN' NAME, @ ALL...N N E MUTHAFUcKiN' WAY
KUZ i KNOW THAT EVEN iF i DiD...iT WOULDN'T REMOVE YO' AZZ FROM MY FUcKiN' WEAK AZZ HEART
U GOT THA GALL 2 TRY 2 DiS ME & MY FEELiN'z 4 YO' BiTcH AZZ...NOW THAT's NOT VERY SMART
TALKiN' ABOUT HOW U @ LEAST WAiTED TiL i GOT OUT OF JAiL 2 GET SUM
WELL...KUDOz 4 U, BOO...KUZ i'M STiLL STUcK ON U & STiLL AiN'T GOT NONE
U WURR A PRUDE WiT ME, BUT ALL iT TOOK WUZ 4 U 2 LOcK ME UP 2 GiVE iT AWAY
@ NO FUcKiN' POiNT N TiME WUZ i ON YO' FUcKiN' MiND WHiLE GON' N E WAY
U NEEDED ME OUT THA WAY SO U KOULD GO 2 UR "HOUSE PARTiEz" & UR "KONcERTz"
WHO THA FUcK THROWz THOSE N 2009...ONLY A MUTHAFUcKA TRYNA GET N UR DAMN SKiRT!!!
i SHOULDA KNOWN BETTA WHEN U WOULD ALWAYz TELL ME 2 LEAVE
BUT AFTA SHE HELPED U BUST YO' NUT...iT WUZ ME U SAiD U NEED
THA FAKT THAT i WOULD ALWAYz KOME WHENEVA U WOULD KALL MEANT NUFFiN' 2 YO' AZZ
i BARELY HAD SHiT 2 MY FUcKiN' NAME, YET, SUMHOW, i ALWAYz GAVE U MY GOTDAMN LAST
1st RED FLAG THAT i iGGED...WUZ HOW U WOULD JUS GO THRU THA MOTiONz
BUT TURN RiGHT AROUND & TELL ME THAT i WUZ THA 1 LAcKiN' TRUE DEVOTiON
FUNNY HOW E'RRYTHANG U THOUGHT ABOUT ME, iZ SUMFiN' THAT U WURR DOiN'
WHiLE U WURR AcKUSiN' ME...WHicH HOE WUZ YO' AZZ OUT THURR SKREWiN'?!?
2nd RED FLAG...WUZ THA EMPTiNESS UR EYEz WOULD HAVE WHEN i POURED MY SOUL
A PRiME EXAMPLE OF HOW EVEN UR STONE HEART KONTAiNED A MAJOR FUcKiN' HOLE!
3rd RED FLAG...WHEN U AKTED A AZZ 4 ME THANKiN' MY FRiENDz 4 B-N BY MY SiDE
MY MiND SAiD, "RUN, BiTcH...RUN" BUT MY HEART SAiD, "JUS LET iT SLiDE"
4th RED FLAG...WHEN U THREW MY SHiT AWAY & SAiD UR AKTiONz WURR JUSTiFiED
BUT i STUcK BY U BUTT-NAKED, THO iT WUZ ALWAYz NSiDE THAT i KRiED
THURR WURR @ LEAST 50 MO', BUT i SWEAR i DON'T BLAME U @ ALL
KUZ THiS JUS SHOWz HOW U NOT KNOWiN' MY LOVE 4 U, WUZ/iZ MY DOWN FALL
iT HURTz 2 SEE U KAN HAVE A KOKE & A SMiLE AZ iF AiN'T SHiT HAPPENED...THAT i WiLL ADMiT
i WOULD HAVE PREFERRED 4 YO EX U STiLL LOVE 2 KOME UP 2 MY FAcE & LET LOOSE SUM SPiT
BUT i REFUSE 2 HAVE 1 MO' SLEEPLESS NiTE WUNDERiN', "DO i EVA...R DO U?!"
KUZ THA ANSWER'z PRETTY OBViOUS...SO AFTA THiS...i'M OFFiciALLY 2 THRU!
SAY WHUTEVA U WANT ABOUT ME...KUZ THiS iZ GETTiN' OLD & cHiLDiSH
i'MMA GET BAcK 2 MY BABY...THA 1 WHO KAN RiGHTFULLY HOLD THA STATUS!!!
THAT DAMN PAPi
Dangerous Ego...Dangerous vanity
Ok... I've had the last of people testing my intelligence by finagling their words as if I can't hear and read between lines.
I've had enough of people throwing the word love around...with expectations
I've had QUITE enough of unnecessary vanity and egos.
I've had enough of selfishness.
I've had enough of having my name tossed around when I not present.
I keep finding out just HOW many of those who were CLOSE to me REALLY feel now that I'm far away.
Let me say this one again tho
I am SICK of people with out of control EGOs that turn to power trips...i'm not susceptible. Why would I need to stroke an ego that's already OVERstroked.
I used to think I needed more attention, I used to think it determined my worth. I've even spoken openly about needing to be validated by someone..someone special. But the truth is I VALIDATE ME. I know my intentions for the world are good...and so do most.
The problem is that friends mistake loyalty for constant validation. They would rather be lied to, than hear the dirty truth. I've lost so many friends...being honest. Yeah, I knew the toll, but I would not pay. It doesn't serve ANYONE to be lied to and mislead. True friends..truly love you for you. No gray areas. I get called an asshole, a bitch, hell I even got called a DICK one time. LMAO... it was great! The reality of answers was respected...no offense...no drama..no illness..those were the tight friendships that I held dear cuz we laugh that shit off and in the end, I'm not a liar, I'm a loyal friend who respects true friends enough to BE true. BUT when I'm asked a ? and the truth slices into an ego..i'm no longer loyal for some reason... I become the enemy.
Ones who are that short-sighted are better off in wonderland...so... I just have to leave them there. They always find their way back to the dirty truth. Then they are Forced to deal with their own fucked over pride and egos. The cycle is ridiculous. Why let your pride and ego send you to that Ride in Wonderland be FORCED back around to the same truth you should have accepted when you heard it the first time.
It's just not worth it. Be you. You lose SO much true value when it's hidden behind the created shell that has...No value.
I've had enough of people throwing the word love around...with expectations
I've had QUITE enough of unnecessary vanity and egos.
I've had enough of selfishness.
I've had enough of having my name tossed around when I not present.
I keep finding out just HOW many of those who were CLOSE to me REALLY feel now that I'm far away.
Let me say this one again tho
I am SICK of people with out of control EGOs that turn to power trips...i'm not susceptible. Why would I need to stroke an ego that's already OVERstroked.
I used to think I needed more attention, I used to think it determined my worth. I've even spoken openly about needing to be validated by someone..someone special. But the truth is I VALIDATE ME. I know my intentions for the world are good...and so do most.
The problem is that friends mistake loyalty for constant validation. They would rather be lied to, than hear the dirty truth. I've lost so many friends...being honest. Yeah, I knew the toll, but I would not pay. It doesn't serve ANYONE to be lied to and mislead. True friends..truly love you for you. No gray areas. I get called an asshole, a bitch, hell I even got called a DICK one time. LMAO... it was great! The reality of answers was respected...no offense...no drama..no illness..those were the tight friendships that I held dear cuz we laugh that shit off and in the end, I'm not a liar, I'm a loyal friend who respects true friends enough to BE true. BUT when I'm asked a ? and the truth slices into an ego..i'm no longer loyal for some reason... I become the enemy.
Ones who are that short-sighted are better off in wonderland...so... I just have to leave them there. They always find their way back to the dirty truth. Then they are Forced to deal with their own fucked over pride and egos. The cycle is ridiculous. Why let your pride and ego send you to that Ride in Wonderland be FORCED back around to the same truth you should have accepted when you heard it the first time.
It's just not worth it. Be you. You lose SO much true value when it's hidden behind the created shell that has...No value.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Good morning independence or is it loneliness...
Things are not as they seem..found that out the hard way, too early this morning. Im getting a lil sick of Tom...this old cat...disabled vet(like my dad) that's ALWAYS at the bar...one I like. and of course being a lone ranger bar hopper he invites himself to talk to me bc...well..im the one sitting alone. He's a nice guy tho. Im not insensitive enough to be rude..i respect all DV's...i wouldnt want anybody being rude to my dad (but my daddy a pimp..ha..he can shake'em & still come bk 4 it if he want it..HA!) Hehehe...I could be out stuntin like my daddy..stuntin like my daddy..lol. but i was left in a house alone and unwanted. its a bittersweet situation. I have a room of my own in this house...but being invited..then left here doesnt quite balance me out emotionally. I wasnt invited to be left alone...it was a choice..a heartbreaking choice..but a choice nonetheless.
It's been weeks and my new twist was just introduced. I have to move significantly faster now. See the problem yet..? you wont. easiest way to put it is...i cant be alone..this long..in a house im not supposed to be in..in an unfamiliar town and not go Completely Mad all over again. My strengths and my weaknesses hold equal weight...I am self-conflict. It wasn't always this way.
I wake up daily in a panic...
I cant sleep at night...
I have no easy wifi or net access...to take care of necessary unfinished biz.
I miss being a reason to smile.
I am not good at making friends...ppl either love me or hate me.
I am SURROUNDED by the cutest lesbian couples..EVER..I wanted that one day...igniting the depression.
Coming back to an empty room & empty life ignites the anxiety.
It begans to tell...'round midnight. I do pretty well, til after sundown'....then...it's sad.
I need a morning Boost in either direction...determining my gut status of the day...whether im on the up slope or down slope, I try to force the GOOD in...like Ced the Entertainer say..."Breathe beauty in, breathe nasty out."
Today was a downsloper for me. I "controlled" my anxiety..didnt slide too far today, so im good. :)
Yeah I do a lot of :( ...blog it out... :)
Shyt I need somebody to HELP me out, but I've learned...i have certainly learned about "HELP"...smh. People shouldn't extend severed hands.
Now I want to be among people and have some laughs and dranks. Im at least good at that. Plus im hungry as hell. Gonna catch that late happy hour...and hope 4 the best after that.
It's been weeks and my new twist was just introduced. I have to move significantly faster now. See the problem yet..? you wont. easiest way to put it is...i cant be alone..this long..in a house im not supposed to be in..in an unfamiliar town and not go Completely Mad all over again. My strengths and my weaknesses hold equal weight...I am self-conflict. It wasn't always this way.
I wake up daily in a panic...
I cant sleep at night...
I have no easy wifi or net access...to take care of necessary unfinished biz.
I miss being a reason to smile.
I am not good at making friends...ppl either love me or hate me.
I am SURROUNDED by the cutest lesbian couples..EVER..I wanted that one day...igniting the depression.
Coming back to an empty room & empty life ignites the anxiety.
It begans to tell...'round midnight. I do pretty well, til after sundown'....then...it's sad.
I need a morning Boost in either direction...determining my gut status of the day...whether im on the up slope or down slope, I try to force the GOOD in...like Ced the Entertainer say..."Breathe beauty in, breathe nasty out."
Today was a downsloper for me. I "controlled" my anxiety..didnt slide too far today, so im good. :)
Yeah I do a lot of :( ...blog it out... :)
Shyt I need somebody to HELP me out, but I've learned...i have certainly learned about "HELP"...smh. People shouldn't extend severed hands.
Now I want to be among people and have some laughs and dranks. Im at least good at that. Plus im hungry as hell. Gonna catch that late happy hour...and hope 4 the best after that.
Monday, June 1, 2009
CriminaLove
Blade was hot
Piercing skin
Not a new thing
In your life of sin
Entered your heart
Through a mind
Locked in
Desires of woman's skin
Any woman
Any woman that would let u in
Look twice...
She's fucked tonight
Didn't matter bout the wife
Mind only saw
The skin of the nite
You told me I was wrong
I was right
Always ending up in a fight
I pooped so many pills
So I didn't have to hear
The call text and typing
Going on in my ear
In the late of night
You fed stories of love
Adoration and desire
She was you light from above
How long would it last
How much could I take
You took my car
To see her too many days
I'm sitting at a desk
Shaking from head to toe
Knowing i'm making dollas
For you to spend on ya hoe
Finally saw a doctor
Band-aid is what I got
The stress took over
And your lies were too caught
Entire year went in a blur
Never knowing if my babygirl was even her...
Piercing skin
Not a new thing
In your life of sin
Entered your heart
Through a mind
Locked in
Desires of woman's skin
Any woman
Any woman that would let u in
Look twice...
She's fucked tonight
Didn't matter bout the wife
Mind only saw
The skin of the nite
You told me I was wrong
I was right
Always ending up in a fight
I pooped so many pills
So I didn't have to hear
The call text and typing
Going on in my ear
In the late of night
You fed stories of love
Adoration and desire
She was you light from above
How long would it last
How much could I take
You took my car
To see her too many days
I'm sitting at a desk
Shaking from head to toe
Knowing i'm making dollas
For you to spend on ya hoe
Finally saw a doctor
Band-aid is what I got
The stress took over
And your lies were too caught
Entire year went in a blur
Never knowing if my babygirl was even her...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Unrelatable
Ok. My life’s been flipped upside down. Now I'm in a situation I’m not sure about. Knowing how people really feel is not one of my strong suits. I think I’ve misjudged many people’s true feelings about me. Wish there was a fortune cookie somewhere that told me sometimes love means hate and hate means love. So snowed by my quest...my fight for love that I didn’t see the avalanche...didn’t see the snow turn black. At the bottom of this valley, the darkness left a fight unfinished and futile.
Whatever is left of me...I can’t picture what is come. The more favors I accept, the more indebted..enslaved i feel, yet i don't move.
I can’t handle being this out of control...this unstable...this unsure. I don’t want anymore words of “wisdom”...that I once spoke. these are things I know. Relate to the unrelatable. Open your mind to a strange way of life, way of thinking. Free a mind. Let someone in. We need our people.
People are better than no people.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Strange Existence
I’m in limbo. I’ve been stripped of life as I know it. I’m left with loss, debt, shame, fear, loneliness, foolishness, inhibition, indifference, and complete self worthlessness.
There was an encounter…
I was pushed to the edge, threatened, violated and forced to defend myself.
Is there something I should miss
You know
something more than your kiss
Should I think more of you than this
You made me feel worthless
Why am I even giving you this
Your love was
Toxic
Full of taint and cancer
Our chemistry mirrors
Runnin with scissors...
How am I going to do this...
I’m brainstorming...about what the hell I’m gonna do about income and shelter. I lost my job and my home and I CANNOT bring myself to tell anyone related to me. My fam knows, but not my relatives don’t. I’ve always been very independent. Now I have no independence and I’m getting in the way...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Great Mistake…
I can't explain
what I feel
Feelings that shouldn't be real
She left my life
Didn't look back
My heart in tow
My face was cracked
Then she called
What's up with that
All I knew was love her back
Then she spoke
Hearts on melt
Trying to understand what she felt
Questions poured my mind a glass
Let her tell one lie, the last...
Then she changed her tune again
Reminders of us being more than friends
Lost my mind
Thinking back
Surrogate mother wives
Kids to love us back
Going to work everyday and back
Greeted with sunshine
A smile so great
Only one that made me masturbate
Didn't have to cuz the love was real
Passionate kisses and a brand new feel
Touching her face
Unguarded me
Laying in her arms
Transcended me
So comfortable I fell asleep
Never before had that happen to me
Work day melted off of me
ONLY SHE
Did that for me
But she felt out of place with me
So she sought out baby V
Told her it's not really me
I'm just as far as she can she
Dropped my glass
Couldn't see straight...
She thought I was a mistake
Didn't know what to make of that
Heart flopping in broken glass
Feeling like she was about the cash
Blinded by a betrayed heart
I called her up and ripped apart
Said things that I shouldn't say
I didn't even really feel that way.
She was lying
I was crying
Pain and anger spoke loud for me
Didnt hear her when she said
I'm sorry
It won't happen again
Please forgive me
That's what she said
Now it's nonstop in my head.
All those things I shouldn'ta read
All those things I shouldn'ta said
All turned to
A lifetime of regrets
Just too hurt to hear the words
Couldn't be civilized no more
Hurt turned to rage
That started to burn
I know I was wrong
I know I was
Cuz she'd become
My definition of love
Words came out
Brash and rough
I didn't let up
She had enough
Then my heart start burning up
Couldn't see past that one fuck up
Tried my best to pull it back
She probably thought I was on crack
And I kinda was, but more than that
My heart was cracked, it fired back
I know I was wrong for that
She will never come back
My greatest mistake
And I'm to blame for that...
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