Good morning independence or is it loneliness...

Things are not as they seem..found that out the hard way, too early this morning. Im getting a lil sick of Tom...this old cat...disabled vet(like my dad) that's ALWAYS at the bar...one I like. and of course being a lone ranger bar hopper he invites himself to talk to me bc...well..im the one sitting alone. He's a nice guy tho. Im not insensitive enough to be rude..i respect all DV's...i wouldnt want anybody being rude to my dad (but my daddy a pimp..ha..he can shake'em & still come bk 4 it if he want it..HA!) Hehehe...I could be out stuntin like my daddy..stuntin like my daddy..lol. but i was left in a house alone and unwanted. its a bittersweet situation. I have a room of my own in this house...but being invited..then left here doesnt quite balance me out emotionally. I wasnt invited to be left alone...it was a choice..a heartbreaking choice..but a choice nonetheless.

It's been weeks and my new twist was just introduced. I have to move significantly faster now. See the problem yet..? you wont. easiest way to put it is...i cant be alone..this long..in a house im not supposed to be in..in an unfamiliar town and not go Completely Mad all over again. My strengths and my weaknesses hold equal weight...I am self-conflict. It wasn't always this way.

I wake up daily in a panic...
I cant sleep at night...
I have no easy wifi or net access...to take care of necessary unfinished biz.
I miss being a reason to smile.
I am not good at making friends...ppl either love me or hate me.
I am SURROUNDED by the cutest lesbian couples..EVER..I wanted that one day...igniting the depression.
Coming back to an empty room & empty life ignites the anxiety.
It begans to tell...'round midnight. I do pretty well, til after sundown'....then...it's sad.

I need a morning Boost in either direction...determining my gut status of the day...whether im on the up slope or down slope, I try to force the GOOD in...like Ced the Entertainer say..."Breathe beauty in, breathe nasty out."

Today was a downsloper for me. I "controlled" my anxiety..didnt slide too far today, so im good. :)
Yeah I do a lot of :( ...blog it out... :)
Shyt I need somebody to HELP me out, but I've learned...i have certainly learned about "HELP"...smh. People shouldn't extend severed hands.

Now I want to be among people and have some laughs and dranks. Im at least good at that. Plus im hungry as hell. Gonna catch that late happy hour...and hope 4 the best after that.