Rejuevenation Squared

As my father recently did, I just got my heart broken...well more like Cracked again a couple days ago. SADLY, all these people who broke my heart were actually the people I held nearest and dearest to mine.

I had to find out the hard way, once again that I go all in too fast when I really believe in the hand I was dealt... sadly mistaken. As I smoked my last clove last night I was playing "Soon A New Day" by Talib Kweli and Norah Jones on repeat. If I find enough layers of clothes, I'm about to go do it again. I had to reflect on the days and the people I talked to, the people I loved, the people I trusted, the very people I'm staying alive for...and how they all simultaneously let me down. And I cried sitting outside blowing smoke with no clove. Only 2 tears fell, which was odd to me. Inside i felt this tsunami of emotion but the tears were simply not indicative. As I sniffled and kept listening, I wiped the first tear and I thought about the friends I'd released over the past few years and I was at peace as I blew the tear into the cold night air. The second tear fell slow. Remembering 28 years of blood relatives, good, bad, nice, mean, real, messy, sacrilegious, righteous, irresponsible, intelligent, posers and frauds.... The tear seemed to stop...my breathing stopped and reflection began. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY RUNNING A LIFE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY AM I LETTING THEM? I let that tear hit the tip of my fingernail and flicked it like a bic. The first tear represented all the friends I thought were my own, the lost investments that I'll never see returns for. The second tear represented all the family with strands of DNA matching my own, the people we call kinfolk, the people who will tell u for Life, they "will always be there for you no matter what cuz we blood". I let the tear collect itself on the tip of my fingernail and flicked it angrily...

Sitting out there in the cold (I actually wanna finish typing this out there with a clove...2 secs)

Ok...now i'm outside...feel a lil freeer... but distracted by my music. lol. I'm at the station... I'll catch the next train of thought.

As I take this...umpteenth time to evaluate the connections I have/had, I have to dig deeper into myself than I want to, but it's necessary. Trying to avoid repetition is hard. I've done this evaluation before and my cipher shrank like alum on moist lips. I couldn't have been happier. Then, there was an invasion of the mind and the heart that cost more than I had to give...emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...and even Morally. When my heart is involved, I do major analysis of self and the person who managed to penetrate that part of me and why.

When I say I love you, I mean it. I've been told so many things I couldn't quite submit to.

"Love the one who loves you"
"You fuck with me, you stuck with me"
"Never trust nobody"
"Family is most important"
"You don't Let anybody love you, Starla"
"Don't fuck with nobody who can't but bread on the table"
"Don't do anything in life for free"
"Fuck them if they can't do nothing for you"

Some of this is old advice, some new. Some from those I respect, some from those I don't.I've stated before that my life centers around respect, love, peace, dignity, integrity, honesty and reality. In the midst of my small cipher of friends and family, I've learned that I may have misread a lot of people for a lot of the wrong reasons. The invasion opened up a part of me that's simply dangerous...and now that I'm public property, people are starting to notice. As they change the way they look at me...the appropriate chakras react and I'm left feel like I'm 12 years old all over again. I grew up feeling like a constant disappointment for various reasons and that was one of the few issues I couldn't remove, so I had to understand it. When I embark upon a new connection, It's understood that I have a few issues left that did not absorb and disappear with adulthood. This difference between me and most is that I'm very aware of what issues I have/had and are still working on. I've spent the last 3 years seeking love..seeking the romantic connection. Has it worked against me that i'm too self-aware...Absolutely. I know I can't expect everyone to be as aware as I am because they haven't walked this barefoot broken glass road. The mistake I made was...the harder I was on myself, the harder I was on those I loved. It wasn't intentional. If years have passed and we've shared innermost thoughts and connected on a level that we know others around us may not be able to reach with anyone, I consider that a special bond. Unerstanding my unconventional ways of learning life and respecting my quest for the truth regardless of how many new hater I produce...takes a special person. So many...soooo many fell thru the cracks of confusion and lack of understanding. these are people I care about and always will, but as open as I am, if you have spent a significant amount of time with me and you still question my genuine motives, it's probable cause for me to question your motives toward me. Takes me to Jill Scott... "My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer...didn't you no this...or didn't u notice..?"

This isn't new information or shouldn't be:

"It's not wise to trust someone who doesn't trust you"
In this case, someone is withholding trust for a reason, most commonly because THEY aren't trustworthy. It's reasonable for them, knowing me and all I've showed them that I'm capable of being just as untrustworthy as they are. A simple testiment of how afraid they are of feeling the same pain they've inflicted on another. This phase can pass...but the time it takes may be beyond the patience of this person ur withholding from.

"Beware of random outrageous accusations"
I KNOW when I've fucked up. I KNOW when I've done something wrong and to expect Karma to come holla at me. But when someone close to me accuses me of something I haven't done...and know in my mind and heart that I would never do with a clear conscience, I look at them more sideways than they look at me. I've NEVER been good at concealing my emotions, my face gives away what I'm feeling everytime...which frankly I'm glad about. One less discussion I have to have, all you have to do is pay attention. And if you ask, i'll tell ya. point blank. The problem here is, I've dug deep into this accusation on me and anazlyzed...WHY would you think that...and you KNOW me. When they feel sideways look and the change in the way I treat them because I'm no longer just enjoying company, I'm wondering how a fraud thought came into our scene and I know I've been genuine...so who isn't if it's not me.

"Beware of sudden unusual silence"
This is something I'm guilty of. When someone suddenly shuts down on you and it's completely uncharacteristic of that person, something has changed. If ur closest souls, don't, won't or can't ask you, "What's up...I can tell when something's wrong so what's the deal", that connection is in jeopardy. If ur closest friend/lover isn't comfortable "gettin in your business", you really haven't been in the business of friendship. even the most private person has SOMEONE they tell everything to...all back to trust. If you suddenly are getting bits and pieces of a story you would usually get more details than you may even want...beware.

This isn't over... it's just cold as hell out here.

Russian Roulette

Russian Roulette

This song touches the soul inside me that constantly cries.

A long dream

I woke up at 4:33pm today. So I must hurry before more of it fades.

Somewhere in a town unknown... I was at,my ex’s..lets call her Dee. I was at Dee’s mom’s house for a major family gathering. I don’t know how I got there or why. I was completely unwanted in the house. there was arguing, the daggering looks were enough to kill any mortal. Dee seemed to be absent. I can’t remember seeing her anywhere. I was essentially alone in a house full for hatred for me. No idea why I was there. Went out to smoke a cigarette on the porch..then 2...a large man came out of the house and told me I shouldn’t be there and Dee had a new girlfriend and I'm complicating things then he angrily walked back in the house and slammed the door. I tried to finish the last half of my cig then suddenly I heard the sirens...then saw the flashing lights. The porch started to flood with bodies baring no love...still no Dee in sight. I’m amongst a plethora of people who hate me because they know the story Dee told them and not the Truth. I quietly was escorted to the back of the squad car and taken directly to jail. I had some interesting conversations with the other inmates...crimes...non-crimes...those that belonged and those that did not. I’ve learned well how to handle being in jail so I just listened and rode it out because I had no idea what exactly I was charged with and didn’t remember even thinking about it. The tank door opened and I heard my name....which becomes VERY exciting after sitting in a room from of women who hadn’t had a chance to shower, brush their teeth or even eat for 2 days. After protocols were met I saw my mother. Relief.
She get me released and took me where I said to go. Before we could get down the stairs, we had another obstacle. My mom isn’t fearless like me, so when the packed stairwell cleared she was not ready to see the dead body being tended to on laying between the 3rd and 2nd floor. Never got the deets but this man had obviously crossed the wrong person. he didn’t fall and die like that in jail. When we made it to the 1st floor and it was exit time the cops were all pretty decent. I passed by a desk and saw calendars on display with Hot chicas so I asked if i could have one. the cop laughed and said sure, why not. hehehe. Sweet. I left jail with a consolation prize. Once there was room to move, I went back to Dee’s mom’s house and with anger I was told her girlfriend, a stud, picked her up and they left. Taken aback and amused I needed to see a lil more. She has no reason to hate me that bad, I’ve been through enough because of Dee, so I had nothing left to lose. I rode around for a while still reeling a bit from being arrested with no good reason...with my mother. But she was more like my accomplice at this point...didn't question much...she knew something was on my mind just, no clue what position I was about to take. Went back to Dee’s street and parked at the corner and decided to walk it at around midnight. I noticed a field of cotton or corn (high strips of plant) behind the houses on that street so I walked thru someone’s backyard and proceeded to walk. I saw a drum circle with a fire in the middle, would have stopped...but on a small mission. kept walking..and walking...nothing between the strips of plant. Then ahead I saw a bit further up a wide open portion of the field. When we got there, I stopped, got my weapon ready just in case. Casing the large open space, I walked in a lil deeper and that’s when I saw it. A red bag, a thick brown blanket with a head peeking out of the top. I looked a lil closer and there she was. I don’t know where my mom went...just a dream glitch. Curled up in a blanket lying in a field.... alone. I walked up on her and she said “What the fuck are u doing here..get the fuck out of my face.” No way someone I used to be in love with was gonna get rid of me that easy outside in a field. She continued to lay there as if she was alone and i wasn’t going to let it go that easy...she didn’t for me. But my intent was different than hers. It hurt me to see this..I mean she’s sleeping outside deep in a field so even if there was a new girlfriend, she VERY much not on her job. Dee and I fought like Rams and Lions but NEVER would I have left her out there like that. So the first thing I asked her was “Is this REALLY what u want?” She didn’t reply. I said “Dee we were better than this and could have grown into that couple with superpowers...you know this. I’m not trying to get u back because I heard about your latest girlfriend..and I hope she’s making you happy, It’s not ok with me that u made our relationship seem like a mistake. Her next words were “Leave me the fuck alone”. Didn’t bother me, I know my bay-bee. So I opened her bag, then I saw her eyes for the first time that night. I saw familiar thing and unfamiliar. Red shirt, boots, female necessities and I locked in on a hair conditioner (a Larger bottle than usual) I’d never seen. I was like oh shit...I always loved her natural hair. I popped it open and she heard it and her head popped up. I put a bit in my hand to rub in and apply and as I was rubbing my hands together, I saw her eyes again..More daggers. It was more like “BITCH, are you SERIOUSLY using my GOT DAMN conditioner. I don’t know whether to punch you in the face or choke you OUT in this field” look. Fear is no longer a factor between me and Dee, we are in a "’Do or Die’ ‘nothing to lose’ phase in our ‘afterlove’. I applied the conditioner to my fro and was like “sweet”. Whether she loved or hated me in her heart, I didn’t care at that point, I knew what was in my heart and I don’t allow that to be compromised. So I was prepared for her to slap the shit out of me, but at the same time I know how priorities change when you are reduced to sleeping with no roof. I took a deep breath and said, “Ba, we were better than this and what happened should NEVER have happened. I was hard on u because you wanted to be taught how to love and you know I was equipped. You let you need for power and you extreme pride make you take OUR home away from both of us. YES, I said OUR home...(Martin and Gina) ours ours ours Ouuuuurs. We made mistakes but there is NO reason we should just hate each other for life when we know this was both our fault. We killed the love with our pride. That’s not a substantial reason for hate. And never have I doubted your capacity to know that.” Then I laid next to her in the field and slept in peace...but a little curious.

My attempt to make MY part right was officially made. If I didn’t wake up from that slumber, I was at peace.

Then I woke up not knowing where I was...

stuck in a room

maybe my life's not meant to ever be
what it used to be
in this room the wall
stares at me
outside this door
the world is happy
not caring if i'm in here dying
bled it out
dug deeper just to have
it thrown in my face
people who loved me once
look at my face in pics
and see disgrace
I dont wanna force my way
I stay out of the way
I've even put my head down
and started to pray
whoever's listening
knows I cant live this way
and continues to let me dig my grave
so ok...