Rejuevenation Squared

As my father recently did, I just got my heart broken...well more like Cracked again a couple days ago. SADLY, all these people who broke my heart were actually the people I held nearest and dearest to mine.

I had to find out the hard way, once again that I go all in too fast when I really believe in the hand I was dealt... sadly mistaken. As I smoked my last clove last night I was playing "Soon A New Day" by Talib Kweli and Norah Jones on repeat. If I find enough layers of clothes, I'm about to go do it again. I had to reflect on the days and the people I talked to, the people I loved, the people I trusted, the very people I'm staying alive for...and how they all simultaneously let me down. And I cried sitting outside blowing smoke with no clove. Only 2 tears fell, which was odd to me. Inside i felt this tsunami of emotion but the tears were simply not indicative. As I sniffled and kept listening, I wiped the first tear and I thought about the friends I'd released over the past few years and I was at peace as I blew the tear into the cold night air. The second tear fell slow. Remembering 28 years of blood relatives, good, bad, nice, mean, real, messy, sacrilegious, righteous, irresponsible, intelligent, posers and frauds.... The tear seemed to stop...my breathing stopped and reflection began. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY RUNNING A LIFE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIVE... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY AM I LETTING THEM? I let that tear hit the tip of my fingernail and flicked it like a bic. The first tear represented all the friends I thought were my own, the lost investments that I'll never see returns for. The second tear represented all the family with strands of DNA matching my own, the people we call kinfolk, the people who will tell u for Life, they "will always be there for you no matter what cuz we blood". I let the tear collect itself on the tip of my fingernail and flicked it angrily...

Sitting out there in the cold (I actually wanna finish typing this out there with a clove...2 secs)

Ok...now i'm outside...feel a lil freeer... but distracted by my music. lol. I'm at the station... I'll catch the next train of thought.

As I take this...umpteenth time to evaluate the connections I have/had, I have to dig deeper into myself than I want to, but it's necessary. Trying to avoid repetition is hard. I've done this evaluation before and my cipher shrank like alum on moist lips. I couldn't have been happier. Then, there was an invasion of the mind and the heart that cost more than I had to give...emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...and even Morally. When my heart is involved, I do major analysis of self and the person who managed to penetrate that part of me and why.

When I say I love you, I mean it. I've been told so many things I couldn't quite submit to.

"Love the one who loves you"
"You fuck with me, you stuck with me"
"Never trust nobody"
"Family is most important"
"You don't Let anybody love you, Starla"
"Don't fuck with nobody who can't but bread on the table"
"Don't do anything in life for free"
"Fuck them if they can't do nothing for you"

Some of this is old advice, some new. Some from those I respect, some from those I don't.I've stated before that my life centers around respect, love, peace, dignity, integrity, honesty and reality. In the midst of my small cipher of friends and family, I've learned that I may have misread a lot of people for a lot of the wrong reasons. The invasion opened up a part of me that's simply dangerous...and now that I'm public property, people are starting to notice. As they change the way they look at me...the appropriate chakras react and I'm left feel like I'm 12 years old all over again. I grew up feeling like a constant disappointment for various reasons and that was one of the few issues I couldn't remove, so I had to understand it. When I embark upon a new connection, It's understood that I have a few issues left that did not absorb and disappear with adulthood. This difference between me and most is that I'm very aware of what issues I have/had and are still working on. I've spent the last 3 years seeking love..seeking the romantic connection. Has it worked against me that i'm too self-aware...Absolutely. I know I can't expect everyone to be as aware as I am because they haven't walked this barefoot broken glass road. The mistake I made was...the harder I was on myself, the harder I was on those I loved. It wasn't intentional. If years have passed and we've shared innermost thoughts and connected on a level that we know others around us may not be able to reach with anyone, I consider that a special bond. Unerstanding my unconventional ways of learning life and respecting my quest for the truth regardless of how many new hater I produce...takes a special person. So many...soooo many fell thru the cracks of confusion and lack of understanding. these are people I care about and always will, but as open as I am, if you have spent a significant amount of time with me and you still question my genuine motives, it's probable cause for me to question your motives toward me. Takes me to Jill Scott... "My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer...didn't you no this...or didn't u notice..?"

This isn't new information or shouldn't be:

"It's not wise to trust someone who doesn't trust you"
In this case, someone is withholding trust for a reason, most commonly because THEY aren't trustworthy. It's reasonable for them, knowing me and all I've showed them that I'm capable of being just as untrustworthy as they are. A simple testiment of how afraid they are of feeling the same pain they've inflicted on another. This phase can pass...but the time it takes may be beyond the patience of this person ur withholding from.

"Beware of random outrageous accusations"
I KNOW when I've fucked up. I KNOW when I've done something wrong and to expect Karma to come holla at me. But when someone close to me accuses me of something I haven't done...and know in my mind and heart that I would never do with a clear conscience, I look at them more sideways than they look at me. I've NEVER been good at concealing my emotions, my face gives away what I'm feeling everytime...which frankly I'm glad about. One less discussion I have to have, all you have to do is pay attention. And if you ask, i'll tell ya. point blank. The problem here is, I've dug deep into this accusation on me and anazlyzed...WHY would you think that...and you KNOW me. When they feel sideways look and the change in the way I treat them because I'm no longer just enjoying company, I'm wondering how a fraud thought came into our scene and I know I've been genuine...so who isn't if it's not me.

"Beware of sudden unusual silence"
This is something I'm guilty of. When someone suddenly shuts down on you and it's completely uncharacteristic of that person, something has changed. If ur closest souls, don't, won't or can't ask you, "What's up...I can tell when something's wrong so what's the deal", that connection is in jeopardy. If ur closest friend/lover isn't comfortable "gettin in your business", you really haven't been in the business of friendship. even the most private person has SOMEONE they tell everything to...all back to trust. If you suddenly are getting bits and pieces of a story you would usually get more details than you may even want...beware.

This isn't over... it's just cold as hell out here.