The Previous... Criminal Love

That simply wasnt the way to handle her hate.

She lied cheated hoed and STILL escaped.

She don't know I TOLD them to go easy

Cuz I was dumb enough to love her ass to pieces

The DA called ME...She only OUT on MY call

They didnt want her to have her fuckin freedom at ALL

But I'm the bitch and the hoe and fraud that they "told her so"

Betcha she'll never do dumb shyt like that no mo

My mouth STILL full cuz tha baby don't appreciate

What I did for her life and how she view it today

Funny thing when she got out..she APOLOGIZED

To everyone but one she loved but left alone to die

Deliberately putting her life in my hands

Cuz I was the only bitch that stood up to her like a man

Think I can't aim..? What I do when i know she came to bleed

I got your suicide note... see i knew it was YOU or ME.

She gets out THANKS to me, apologize to the team

For abandonment cuz she was chasing pavements and dreams

Deep down inside she know she fucked up a GOOD thing...

MySpace.com Blogs - THAT DAMN PAPi: .:THA LAST OF MY KiND:.. MySpace Blog

MySpace.com Blogs - THAT DAMN PAPi: .:THA LAST OF MY KiND:.. MySpace Blog

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WOW...
SHE HAD A MOUTH FULL 2 SAY

WELL...
i GUESS iT WUZ GON' KOME OUT N E WAY

THA FAKT THiS DUMB AZZ HOE NEVA PAiD ATTENTiON 2 ME
SHOULDA BEEN A DAMN DAiLY REMiNDER OF THiS DESTiNY

THA MO' i TALK ABOUT MY FAMiLY, HER MiND GOEz LEFT
BiTcH...U DiDN'T WANT SHiT WiT ME...i'M NOT GON' HOLD MY DAMN BREATH

FUcK MY "ViSiBLE SKARz" & THiS TATT U NEVA TOOK 2 HEART
i BEEN HAD MY FUcKiN' PHOTO ABLUM OF YO' AZZ...JUS 2 SHOW "MY BETTA PART"

BUT OUTTA ANGER, YEAH...i cHANGED THA NAME OF iT
BUT 2 READ WHUT i DiD, LET's ME FURTHER KNOW, YO' AZZ iZ FULL OF SHiT

EVEN WiT' ALL THA "i TOLD U SO'z" THAT i REciEVED, i STiLL KLAiM MY FUcKiN' LOVE 4 U
BUT ALL U DiD/DO, iZ TREAT ME LiKE i'M SHiT ON THA BOTTOM OF YO' HOLEY SHOE

BiTcH...FUcK U, WHUT U STAND 4, & THA HiGH HORSE U TRYNA RiDE ON
THA FAKT U WUZN'T THURR 4 ME WHEN MY DADDY DiED, SHOULDA HAD ME SO GONE

BUT i'LL ADMiT...iT WUZ MY DUMB AZZ cHOicE 2 HAVE U OVA iT ALL
NOW U TALKiN' SHiT ABOUT ME LiKE U GOT ALOT OF FUcKiN' BALLz

YO' MiND MiSSiN' iT's FUcKiN' SKREWz iZ THA MAiN REASON WE KOULD NEVA B 1
BUT iF BLAMiN' ME, PUTz THAT MUTHAFUcKA @ EASE...iT SHALL B DONE

U SAiD "If anything u say about u is true, we'd be makin big plans", EH?!
i'M REALLY GON' NEED 4 U 2 TELL ME WHUT THA HELL THAT MEANz EXAKTLY...?!

ME B-N THURR 4 U...RiGHT BY YO' SiDE OVA MY FAMiLY, MYSELF, & MY GROWTH 2
LOViN' YO' DURRTY STANKiN' AZZ DRAWz, HAViN' DREAMz OF B-N OLD WiT' U

U HAViN' MY NOSE SO FUcKiN' WiDE OPEN THAT U KOULDA TOLD ME THA SKY WUZ MUTHAFUcKiN' PiNK
i WOULD STARE @ THAT HOE & SAY, "DAMN...U KNOW WHUT?!?!? iT DAMN SHO' iZ!!!" WiT'OUT A DAMN BLiNK

THA BABY i SAiD i WOULDA HAD 4 U & THA FAKT THAT i STiLL TiL THiS DAY
HAVEN'T KOVERED UP YO' FUcKiN' NAME, @ ALL...N N E MUTHAFUcKiN' WAY

KUZ i KNOW THAT EVEN iF i DiD...iT WOULDN'T REMOVE YO' AZZ FROM MY FUcKiN' WEAK AZZ HEART
U GOT THA GALL 2 TRY 2 DiS ME & MY FEELiN'z 4 YO' BiTcH AZZ...NOW THAT's NOT VERY SMART

TALKiN' ABOUT HOW U @ LEAST WAiTED TiL i GOT OUT OF JAiL 2 GET SUM
WELL...KUDOz 4 U, BOO...KUZ i'M STiLL STUcK ON U & STiLL AiN'T GOT NONE

U WURR A PRUDE WiT ME, BUT ALL iT TOOK WUZ 4 U 2 LOcK ME UP 2 GiVE iT AWAY
@ NO FUcKiN' POiNT N TiME WUZ i ON YO' FUcKiN' MiND WHiLE GON' N E WAY

U NEEDED ME OUT THA WAY SO U KOULD GO 2 UR "HOUSE PARTiEz" & UR "KONcERTz"
WHO THA FUcK THROWz THOSE N 2009...ONLY A MUTHAFUcKA TRYNA GET N UR DAMN SKiRT!!!

i SHOULDA KNOWN BETTA WHEN U WOULD ALWAYz TELL ME 2 LEAVE
BUT AFTA SHE HELPED U BUST YO' NUT...iT WUZ ME U SAiD U NEED

THA FAKT THAT i WOULD ALWAYz KOME WHENEVA U WOULD KALL MEANT NUFFiN' 2 YO' AZZ
i BARELY HAD SHiT 2 MY FUcKiN' NAME, YET, SUMHOW, i ALWAYz GAVE U MY GOTDAMN LAST

1st RED FLAG THAT i iGGED...WUZ HOW U WOULD JUS GO THRU THA MOTiONz
BUT TURN RiGHT AROUND & TELL ME THAT i WUZ THA 1 LAcKiN' TRUE DEVOTiON

FUNNY HOW E'RRYTHANG U THOUGHT ABOUT ME, iZ SUMFiN' THAT U WURR DOiN'
WHiLE U WURR AcKUSiN' ME...WHicH HOE WUZ YO' AZZ OUT THURR SKREWiN'?!?

2nd RED FLAG...WUZ THA EMPTiNESS UR EYEz WOULD HAVE WHEN i POURED MY SOUL
A PRiME EXAMPLE OF HOW EVEN UR STONE HEART KONTAiNED A MAJOR FUcKiN' HOLE!

3rd RED FLAG...WHEN U AKTED A AZZ 4 ME THANKiN' MY FRiENDz 4 B-N BY MY SiDE
MY MiND SAiD, "RUN, BiTcH...RUN" BUT MY HEART SAiD, "JUS LET iT SLiDE"

4th RED FLAG...WHEN U THREW MY SHiT AWAY & SAiD UR AKTiONz WURR JUSTiFiED
BUT i STUcK BY U BUTT-NAKED, THO iT WUZ ALWAYz NSiDE THAT i KRiED

THURR WURR @ LEAST 50 MO', BUT i SWEAR i DON'T BLAME U @ ALL
KUZ THiS JUS SHOWz HOW U NOT KNOWiN' MY LOVE 4 U, WUZ/iZ MY DOWN FALL

iT HURTz 2 SEE U KAN HAVE A KOKE & A SMiLE AZ iF AiN'T SHiT HAPPENED...THAT i WiLL ADMiT
i WOULD HAVE PREFERRED 4 YO EX U STiLL LOVE 2 KOME UP 2 MY FAcE & LET LOOSE SUM SPiT

BUT i REFUSE 2 HAVE 1 MO' SLEEPLESS NiTE WUNDERiN', "DO i EVA...R DO U?!"
KUZ THA ANSWER'z PRETTY OBViOUS...SO AFTA THiS...i'M OFFiciALLY 2 THRU!

SAY WHUTEVA U WANT ABOUT ME...KUZ THiS iZ GETTiN' OLD & cHiLDiSH
i'MMA GET BAcK 2 MY BABY...THA 1 WHO KAN RiGHTFULLY HOLD THA STATUS!!!

THAT DAMN PAPi

Dangerous Ego...Dangerous vanity

Ok... I've had the last of people testing my intelligence by finagling their words as if I can't hear and read between lines.
I've had enough of people throwing the word love around...with expectations
I've had QUITE enough of unnecessary vanity and egos.
I've had enough of selfishness.
I've had enough of having my name tossed around when I not present.

I keep finding out just HOW many of those who were CLOSE to me REALLY feel now that I'm far away.

Let me say this one again tho
I am SICK of people with out of control EGOs that turn to power trips...i'm not susceptible. Why would I need to stroke an ego that's already OVERstroked.

I used to think I needed more attention, I used to think it determined my worth. I've even spoken openly about needing to be validated by someone..someone special. But the truth is I VALIDATE ME. I know my intentions for the world are good...and so do most.

The problem is that friends mistake loyalty for constant validation. They would rather be lied to, than hear the dirty truth. I've lost so many friends...being honest. Yeah, I knew the toll, but I would not pay. It doesn't serve ANYONE to be lied to and mislead. True friends..truly love you for you. No gray areas. I get called an asshole, a bitch, hell I even got called a DICK one time. LMAO... it was great! The reality of answers was respected...no offense...no drama..no illness..those were the tight friendships that I held dear cuz we laugh that shit off and in the end, I'm not a liar, I'm a loyal friend who respects true friends enough to BE true. BUT when I'm asked a ? and the truth slices into an ego..i'm no longer loyal for some reason... I become the enemy.

Ones who are that short-sighted are better off in wonderland...so... I just have to leave them there. They always find their way back to the dirty truth. Then they are Forced to deal with their own fucked over pride and egos. The cycle is ridiculous. Why let your pride and ego send you to that Ride in Wonderland be FORCED back around to the same truth you should have accepted when you heard it the first time.

It's just not worth it. Be you. You lose SO much true value when it's hidden behind the created shell that has...No value.

Good morning independence or is it loneliness...

Things are not as they seem..found that out the hard way, too early this morning. Im getting a lil sick of Tom...this old cat...disabled vet(like my dad) that's ALWAYS at the bar...one I like. and of course being a lone ranger bar hopper he invites himself to talk to me bc...well..im the one sitting alone. He's a nice guy tho. Im not insensitive enough to be rude..i respect all DV's...i wouldnt want anybody being rude to my dad (but my daddy a pimp..ha..he can shake'em & still come bk 4 it if he want it..HA!) Hehehe...I could be out stuntin like my daddy..stuntin like my daddy..lol. but i was left in a house alone and unwanted. its a bittersweet situation. I have a room of my own in this house...but being invited..then left here doesnt quite balance me out emotionally. I wasnt invited to be left alone...it was a choice..a heartbreaking choice..but a choice nonetheless.

It's been weeks and my new twist was just introduced. I have to move significantly faster now. See the problem yet..? you wont. easiest way to put it is...i cant be alone..this long..in a house im not supposed to be in..in an unfamiliar town and not go Completely Mad all over again. My strengths and my weaknesses hold equal weight...I am self-conflict. It wasn't always this way.

I wake up daily in a panic...
I cant sleep at night...
I have no easy wifi or net access...to take care of necessary unfinished biz.
I miss being a reason to smile.
I am not good at making friends...ppl either love me or hate me.
I am SURROUNDED by the cutest lesbian couples..EVER..I wanted that one day...igniting the depression.
Coming back to an empty room & empty life ignites the anxiety.
It begans to tell...'round midnight. I do pretty well, til after sundown'....then...it's sad.

I need a morning Boost in either direction...determining my gut status of the day...whether im on the up slope or down slope, I try to force the GOOD in...like Ced the Entertainer say..."Breathe beauty in, breathe nasty out."

Today was a downsloper for me. I "controlled" my anxiety..didnt slide too far today, so im good. :)
Yeah I do a lot of :( ...blog it out... :)
Shyt I need somebody to HELP me out, but I've learned...i have certainly learned about "HELP"...smh. People shouldn't extend severed hands.

Now I want to be among people and have some laughs and dranks. Im at least good at that. Plus im hungry as hell. Gonna catch that late happy hour...and hope 4 the best after that.

CriminaLove

Blade was hot
Piercing skin
Not a new thing
In your life of sin
Entered your heart
Through a mind
Locked in
Desires of woman's skin
Any woman
Any woman that would let u in
Look twice...
She's fucked tonight
Didn't matter bout the wife
Mind only saw
The skin of the nite
You told me I was wrong
I was right
Always ending up in a fight
I pooped so many pills
So I didn't have to hear
The call text and typing
Going on in my ear
In the late of night
You fed stories of love
Adoration and desire
She was you light from above

How long would it last
How much could I take
You took my car
To see her too many days
I'm sitting at a desk
Shaking from head to toe
Knowing i'm making dollas
For you to spend on ya hoe
Finally saw a doctor
Band-aid is what I got
The stress took over
And your lies were too caught

Entire year went in a blur
Never knowing if my babygirl was even her...