Im at Saltgrass.
Drinking and Thinking.
Its been a trying few days.
My corporate pimps... I mean my bosses (husband and wife owned business) called me in to meet with them Monday 15 mins b4 5. I'll tell u about that later. It lit a fire under me though...to get to death quicker. Ha!
I was driving home.. Recieving messages by text and i exited and came to Saltgrass.
I had an epiphany of sorts. Since 2004 i've been in constant battle with my emotions...from the Taurus streak to the easy but flaky model chick to the pimp type playa celebrity chick...to jus me...well not quite.
During the Taurus streak, in the "in between" time, i was emoting all OVER the place. I stopped suppressing my emotions after 23 years and started letting them out. Verbal...blogging...texting...notes...however i could release, i did. Hoping to get the attention of someone who can help me not feel so abandoned, someone who could maybe love me, or better yet to get the attention of the one i was in love with at that time. I exposed flesh to anyone who could read. Now, I can be compromised.
One of the texts I recieved said "...im 100% in love with you."
The first thing i thought was...how did THAT happen? She's never even kissed me b4...how does she knw that?
Then the train of thought started to roll in. With all my flesh exposed...im basically open to ANYBODY who can read, falling in love with me...with my mind..with the way I love. The things I expose have been things that are necessary to make a relationship of any kind work (with me...i cant speak for another. I exposed my demand for respect, my disdain for lies and liars, my respect for the truth, my need for honesty, my anger, my pain, my illnesses, my beaten strength, my unfortunate self image, my needs, my wants and everything in between.
This "place" is a complete 180 from SEARCHIN for love...any kind of love...for tha love of God can i get some love! But thats when i was suppressing it all. NOW, people honestly may not have to meet me to fall in love with parts of me. All that would be left to get in the way is physical attraction.
So now... In assessment... I went from being on a mad hunt for love, truth and understanding... lovestarved. Flipped myself inside out to the internet, exposing all my thoughts, dreams, disappointments, desires, needs, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerablilties. Now here on the other side of insanity...i have more than one person "in love" with me. Aint that a bitch. This is new ground for me. The part that makes it ill is that after failing at love so many times, im on lovestrike. What do i do with this?
Im VERY protective of the people who love me..genuinely. There arent that many because like i said...i didnt start exposing all those things until 2004ish. So, the few that loved me last...still love me...and a few more. I didnt see this creeping up on me. Now, i dont knw how to protect all these hearts...collectively.
This definitely has me concerned...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Am i alone here...
This is the first blog i never invited people to subscribe to...and i wont. I wonder, tho... Is there anybody who knows me reading this blog? Have any of my friends found me or am i still virtually anonymous here?
Perception of Perfection...
Somebody said to me yesterday. Someone dear to me said:
I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…
Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh
It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.
I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…
Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.
“Starla, even with all your “insanity” and everything you think is wrong with
you… I’m sorry, to me, you are just perfect. Everything about you is PERFECT.”
I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…
Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh
It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.
I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…
Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Music Industry vs. America's Checkbook
Ok. So have you heard? R. Kelly is not guilty on all charges.
Alright. Everybody knows the deal… what he did, what he didn’t do, what was on the tape, who peed on who, who let themselves get peed on, who fucked who, who sucked who and all the red tape around it.
Now… I’m wondering just how much scrutiny is he going to be under and for how long. I’m not in “loops”, I keep my distance from the loop, but so far from what I’ve seen Black America is 50/50. Half are happy he got off, the other half are saying it’s basically bullshit…they let all celebrities go cuz they got the money. As usual, I’m in the gray.
First off… let me say this. America’s system AINT set up for US. The reality is R. Kelly had the loot to buy out the system, just like the rest. I mean, you see how hit and miss America is with “breaking the law” in the last 10 years. Now, everybody want to play judge and jury and make an example out of certain people and not others. Paris Hilton, Michael Vick, Lindsay Lohan, Martha Stewart, Nicole Richie, Michael Jackson, Winona Ryder, OJ, TI, hell, Enron… etc. The SYSTEM is designed to regulate the siphoning of money out of our pockets and we act like we don’t know it. Who is FICA (you know who FICA is) and do they NOT have ENOUGH of EVERYBODY’s money YET!?! Come on now!! Why does everything COST money? Simulate the economy my ASS. Where is my economy? Is there NOT other currency… services perhaps… goods maybe? I’m good at shyt but Hell no I don’t wanna pay 10’s of thousands of dollars to get a piece a paper from some government regulated university to say that I am… see… more money out my pocket. People are money-hungry, because in this country, under the laws of THIS system, we NEED it. Not want… NEED. I HATE THAT I NEED MONEY. I don’t WANT a dime, but got-damnit because I live in this fucked up country I literally can’t live without it cuz I gotta eat. The system is about MONEY. This country is run by capitalists.
With that… do you not know that it costs US to feed and house them MFs in jail? So how any BROKE MF can promote sending extra MFs to jail is beyond me. I, even almost went to jail last year… for a fucking inspection sticker!! Luckily, they gave me another court date before they booked me. But, that shit…that time “in custody” turned my life around. I’m in Texas so I’ve dealt with my share of racism, the flame never dies. When an inspection sticker almost lands you in jail, it’s hard not to question everything about this system, this country and this trap I was born into. Bottom line, the system makes us pay for R. Kelly to be jailed but the system gets paid more from R. Kelly’s tax return AND sales on his talent. Sorry. Just simple reality.
I’m not saying R. Kelly was right. Not by a long shot, but I did not want him to go to jail. R. Kelly in jail does no good. That’s a grown ass man and if you listen to his music, he has his fun, but he’s not without intelligence and life experience. He’s not a menace to society. Stop acting like “making a nikka pay” is Justice! Mama’s need to keep a tighter lock on their damned kids under 18, FIRST. And as Huey said Get the nikka some counseling or a REAL woman. I mean, isn’t jail supposed to “rehabilitate” anyway. Why is the answer always “send that nigga to jail!” What happened to CORRECTING the problem, not shelving it in a jail cell. TRUE, I’d be pissed if that was say… my lil sister. I’d be ASHAMED, if that was my daughter. BUT, I would ensure that personal responsibility would NOT go unnoticed. I wouldn’t run to no police station and embarrass my loved one by putting her all in the lines of THAT kind of fire. That woman (yeah, woman…she grown and will prolly fuck him again) will always be known as “That girl R. Kelly peed on”. Now who gone put themselves in that position for HONORABLE reasons. It’s EXTORTION folks! I don’t know the circumstances of their relationship and neither do you. But you got to be REAL unhappy or REAL broke to put all that business out there, ruining any chance at a respectable life cuz you getting peed on in a video and pretend ur seeking justice. Naw, bitch, you seeking PAYMENT….and you got some of that R. Kelly dick she OBVIOUSLY wanted. Now which one of the two was actually wronged.
He aint a hero for beating the system, he’s just a man. The system know that R. Kelly albums stimulate the economy. So why be mad at R. for being raked thru the same system YOU living in? Once they charge you, you are hanging by your short and curlies and all u can do is fight! That’s what court is for…your shot… your chance to FIGHT the system. In America, the best weapon is money baby. He came, he peed, he was charged, he fought, he won. NOW, that nikka take a note and lay low.
ROBERT!! Stay AWAY FROM THEM YOUNG HOES. Hoes do what they go to do, with no second thoughts about extorting from you.
Alright. Everybody knows the deal… what he did, what he didn’t do, what was on the tape, who peed on who, who let themselves get peed on, who fucked who, who sucked who and all the red tape around it.
Now… I’m wondering just how much scrutiny is he going to be under and for how long. I’m not in “loops”, I keep my distance from the loop, but so far from what I’ve seen Black America is 50/50. Half are happy he got off, the other half are saying it’s basically bullshit…they let all celebrities go cuz they got the money. As usual, I’m in the gray.
First off… let me say this. America’s system AINT set up for US. The reality is R. Kelly had the loot to buy out the system, just like the rest. I mean, you see how hit and miss America is with “breaking the law” in the last 10 years. Now, everybody want to play judge and jury and make an example out of certain people and not others. Paris Hilton, Michael Vick, Lindsay Lohan, Martha Stewart, Nicole Richie, Michael Jackson, Winona Ryder, OJ, TI, hell, Enron… etc. The SYSTEM is designed to regulate the siphoning of money out of our pockets and we act like we don’t know it. Who is FICA (you know who FICA is) and do they NOT have ENOUGH of EVERYBODY’s money YET!?! Come on now!! Why does everything COST money? Simulate the economy my ASS. Where is my economy? Is there NOT other currency… services perhaps… goods maybe? I’m good at shyt but Hell no I don’t wanna pay 10’s of thousands of dollars to get a piece a paper from some government regulated university to say that I am… see… more money out my pocket. People are money-hungry, because in this country, under the laws of THIS system, we NEED it. Not want… NEED. I HATE THAT I NEED MONEY. I don’t WANT a dime, but got-damnit because I live in this fucked up country I literally can’t live without it cuz I gotta eat. The system is about MONEY. This country is run by capitalists.
With that… do you not know that it costs US to feed and house them MFs in jail? So how any BROKE MF can promote sending extra MFs to jail is beyond me. I, even almost went to jail last year… for a fucking inspection sticker!! Luckily, they gave me another court date before they booked me. But, that shit…that time “in custody” turned my life around. I’m in Texas so I’ve dealt with my share of racism, the flame never dies. When an inspection sticker almost lands you in jail, it’s hard not to question everything about this system, this country and this trap I was born into. Bottom line, the system makes us pay for R. Kelly to be jailed but the system gets paid more from R. Kelly’s tax return AND sales on his talent. Sorry. Just simple reality.
I’m not saying R. Kelly was right. Not by a long shot, but I did not want him to go to jail. R. Kelly in jail does no good. That’s a grown ass man and if you listen to his music, he has his fun, but he’s not without intelligence and life experience. He’s not a menace to society. Stop acting like “making a nikka pay” is Justice! Mama’s need to keep a tighter lock on their damned kids under 18, FIRST. And as Huey said Get the nikka some counseling or a REAL woman. I mean, isn’t jail supposed to “rehabilitate” anyway. Why is the answer always “send that nigga to jail!” What happened to CORRECTING the problem, not shelving it in a jail cell. TRUE, I’d be pissed if that was say… my lil sister. I’d be ASHAMED, if that was my daughter. BUT, I would ensure that personal responsibility would NOT go unnoticed. I wouldn’t run to no police station and embarrass my loved one by putting her all in the lines of THAT kind of fire. That woman (yeah, woman…she grown and will prolly fuck him again) will always be known as “That girl R. Kelly peed on”. Now who gone put themselves in that position for HONORABLE reasons. It’s EXTORTION folks! I don’t know the circumstances of their relationship and neither do you. But you got to be REAL unhappy or REAL broke to put all that business out there, ruining any chance at a respectable life cuz you getting peed on in a video and pretend ur seeking justice. Naw, bitch, you seeking PAYMENT….and you got some of that R. Kelly dick she OBVIOUSLY wanted. Now which one of the two was actually wronged.
He aint a hero for beating the system, he’s just a man. The system know that R. Kelly albums stimulate the economy. So why be mad at R. for being raked thru the same system YOU living in? Once they charge you, you are hanging by your short and curlies and all u can do is fight! That’s what court is for…your shot… your chance to FIGHT the system. In America, the best weapon is money baby. He came, he peed, he was charged, he fought, he won. NOW, that nikka take a note and lay low.
ROBERT!! Stay AWAY FROM THEM YOUNG HOES. Hoes do what they go to do, with no second thoughts about extorting from you.
Sanity over Sex
Well… as expected… my ex…my houseguest tried to GET THA DRAWS DAWWG! LOL. What made it so weak is that… it was completely obvious that THAT’S where her head was as SOON as the sun started creepin down Sunday. I actually got some cleaning done whilst I was trying to do that Avoid-dance. It was like I could smell the heat on her or something. In the interest of keeping the weekend as platonic as it NEED to be, I tried to keep her distracted. Aint that a bitch. Somebody who loves silent attention as much as I do was doing everything I could to keep attention off me. Hell my broke ass even went to blockbuster and rented STRICTLY COMEDIES. MAN, I’ve never had this effect on a person. It’s very strange. I’m indifferent about it.
When you previously lived with a person… slept with them… ate with them… laid with them… showered with them… waited 35-45 minutes after one of their meetings with the Porcelain President in the john… it’s hard to find that platonic balance especially when one of you is still in love. My level of comfort with her crosses platonic lines. I’m comfortable around her, I just don’t trust her… ya know… like a child. Ya love’em but you watch they ass cuz you know when the got summin brewing… and it’s a child… so it’s like a machete vs. butter knife. When/if the kid fuck up, it’s not gonna fuck up your comfort persay, it just means a lesson must be taught. That’s where I am with her. I know she got some shit brewing and ALWAYS do. That’s just who she is. I accepted that. The problem is, her judgment is questionable AT BEST…at BEST, so unfortunately (like a child), she would need to filter all her decisions through me. Aint THAT a bitch. I don’t EVER wanna date somebody (again) that I literally can’t trust out of arms length…not even just line of sight even tho that’s already bad enough.
Ugh… all this shit I’m talkin’ I got away from the part where I tell on myself. About them platonic lines, well… aight… well… It wasn’t me tho, she did it… ok… we kinda kissed a lil. I know it don’t sound like much…hell it wasn’t to me, that’s why I let it happen. But um, she was ill-prepared. I think that’s what rattled her out of that platonic place. She spent the whole evening, hell the whole weekend, in cold showers and pouting and smoking. But, to know me is to know me so know this, I’m cool in all these kinda situations. I had to be. The shit was in MY HOUSE. I don’t allow invasions of discomfort anymore in my home…t’is what drove me insane. I still chilled, kicked it, laughed, did some cleaning and dranking and eating and just enjoying the time. Then… last night she pulled out a classic move. Started moving everything from in front of me to clear a path for her to “make her move”. I was in the middle of break up some Sophie’s Tea, so tea on my hands and fingernails, I’m OBVIOUSLY preparing to sip. Without thought, she made her move. She tried to be coy about it at first like she used to do in the beginning, when she was still hoe-in. She snaked up on me and laid on my thigh with that look in her eye. I was like here it commmmmes! After many, unsuccessful hints, She asked to “make love” to me…specifically stating she did NOT wanna fuck. Still, only thing for me to say to that is ummmm… no, but… thanks? And that pretty much ended the weekend. LOL. She turned sour, her whole demeanor flipped, and I think she managed to clear a pack of cigs in tha day. I took my sleeping pills, laughed at Doug and Carrie and some Family Guy, finally sipped my tea and passed out. The way she left this morning, I think she knows she fucked up her cause. She only sees one thing…one way. Either we are going to be together or she has no reason to live. I need her to snap out of that shyt. I’ve offered her my friendship… but she doesn’t do compromise. Friendship aint BLACK or WHITE enough for her, it’s too much like defeat.
DAMN, some people just don’t have a gray area…called Extremists. She’s such an extremist, some of it she STILL can’t recognize. I accept that too. She just forces her force on me. Yeah I said that right. Everything in her life is forced for credit purposes…meaning somebody gotta “Take the heat” or “Get mad props”…she always pulls her huge SELF-SIZED solar reflecting mirror out to ENSURE that any heat she feel is shifted, where to, she doesn’t care, just NOT on her. Imagine how she takes to “getting mad props”. Yeah, you guessed it, boastfully disgusting. Which makes her the target of a lot of head games and not just from me. What’s fucked up is, she and I could help each other out a lot, if she knew how to ride the gray without dipping in the Black or White.
When you previously lived with a person… slept with them… ate with them… laid with them… showered with them… waited 35-45 minutes after one of their meetings with the Porcelain President in the john… it’s hard to find that platonic balance especially when one of you is still in love. My level of comfort with her crosses platonic lines. I’m comfortable around her, I just don’t trust her… ya know… like a child. Ya love’em but you watch they ass cuz you know when the got summin brewing… and it’s a child… so it’s like a machete vs. butter knife. When/if the kid fuck up, it’s not gonna fuck up your comfort persay, it just means a lesson must be taught. That’s where I am with her. I know she got some shit brewing and ALWAYS do. That’s just who she is. I accepted that. The problem is, her judgment is questionable AT BEST…at BEST, so unfortunately (like a child), she would need to filter all her decisions through me. Aint THAT a bitch. I don’t EVER wanna date somebody (again) that I literally can’t trust out of arms length…not even just line of sight even tho that’s already bad enough.
Ugh… all this shit I’m talkin’ I got away from the part where I tell on myself. About them platonic lines, well… aight… well… It wasn’t me tho, she did it… ok… we kinda kissed a lil. I know it don’t sound like much…hell it wasn’t to me, that’s why I let it happen. But um, she was ill-prepared. I think that’s what rattled her out of that platonic place. She spent the whole evening, hell the whole weekend, in cold showers and pouting and smoking. But, to know me is to know me so know this, I’m cool in all these kinda situations. I had to be. The shit was in MY HOUSE. I don’t allow invasions of discomfort anymore in my home…t’is what drove me insane. I still chilled, kicked it, laughed, did some cleaning and dranking and eating and just enjoying the time. Then… last night she pulled out a classic move. Started moving everything from in front of me to clear a path for her to “make her move”. I was in the middle of break up some Sophie’s Tea, so tea on my hands and fingernails, I’m OBVIOUSLY preparing to sip. Without thought, she made her move. She tried to be coy about it at first like she used to do in the beginning, when she was still hoe-in. She snaked up on me and laid on my thigh with that look in her eye. I was like here it commmmmes! After many, unsuccessful hints, She asked to “make love” to me…specifically stating she did NOT wanna fuck. Still, only thing for me to say to that is ummmm… no, but… thanks? And that pretty much ended the weekend. LOL. She turned sour, her whole demeanor flipped, and I think she managed to clear a pack of cigs in tha day. I took my sleeping pills, laughed at Doug and Carrie and some Family Guy, finally sipped my tea and passed out. The way she left this morning, I think she knows she fucked up her cause. She only sees one thing…one way. Either we are going to be together or she has no reason to live. I need her to snap out of that shyt. I’ve offered her my friendship… but she doesn’t do compromise. Friendship aint BLACK or WHITE enough for her, it’s too much like defeat.
DAMN, some people just don’t have a gray area…called Extremists. She’s such an extremist, some of it she STILL can’t recognize. I accept that too. She just forces her force on me. Yeah I said that right. Everything in her life is forced for credit purposes…meaning somebody gotta “Take the heat” or “Get mad props”…she always pulls her huge SELF-SIZED solar reflecting mirror out to ENSURE that any heat she feel is shifted, where to, she doesn’t care, just NOT on her. Imagine how she takes to “getting mad props”. Yeah, you guessed it, boastfully disgusting. Which makes her the target of a lot of head games and not just from me. What’s fucked up is, she and I could help each other out a lot, if she knew how to ride the gray without dipping in the Black or White.
Somewhere I belong...
My life has hit a snag. I'm finally single and NOT in love and i have NO single friends to share my need for good stimulating conversation or just good friendly fun. I need a secondary crew. A group of young men and/or women with similar interests to hang out with. Im so bored, i feel...expired. Im 26 for God's sake! Its not over for me yet, so why is it so hard for out and have fun with.
My ex (who's always trying to hang) just wants to sit and flirt and look and every now and again at her convenience, act jealous about some nonexistant bitch im talking to. Otherwise, we have nothing in common...hence her being my ex...
My ex (who's always trying to hang) just wants to sit and flirt and look and every now and again at her convenience, act jealous about some nonexistant bitch im talking to. Otherwise, we have nothing in common...hence her being my ex...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Lot on my mind...
Good to have new ground.
I was up almost all nite and I didn't sleep soundly. I've been on liquidation... consolidation mode. Survival technique. America is going down... fast. Economic situations are getting worse everyday, mine is no exception. I have to grab the thread before it's too late.
Problem with me is... I'm completely insane! I love/hate myself and if that perfect accident ever presents itself.... PEACE OUUUTTT!! So dont get too attached. I post shyt because at some point people started reading... and liking some of what I wrote. I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist. I'm not a poet. I just write. I want to post all my old blogs here and have them archived so they will all be in one place... i wonder if there is a way to do that? That would be GREAT!
What's funny is... I bet my boss is going to block this site once she sees I've logged on. Oh yeah, another antecdote about me.... I'm a corporate whore that, after 7 years of taking it up the A** with no vaseline, has become hostile and a lot less cooperative with "the System" and my job and coworkers. This shit is ill. I'll tell ya about that another day. I try not to complain, but shyt... i gotta come here everyday and take somebody else's heat and I'm one of the 3 people in this office that WORKS... during work hours....... umm.... even tho I'm late everyday (HA!)... yeah that's why they're mad at me. But there are 2 sides... like I said... another day. I'm gonna need a new job in a few weeks I'm SURE. I'm good with that though. I dont need the negativity...it's worth the hit. My sanity is much more valuable than their corporate check.
Much L.
I was up almost all nite and I didn't sleep soundly. I've been on liquidation... consolidation mode. Survival technique. America is going down... fast. Economic situations are getting worse everyday, mine is no exception. I have to grab the thread before it's too late.
Problem with me is... I'm completely insane! I love/hate myself and if that perfect accident ever presents itself.... PEACE OUUUTTT!! So dont get too attached. I post shyt because at some point people started reading... and liking some of what I wrote. I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist. I'm not a poet. I just write. I want to post all my old blogs here and have them archived so they will all be in one place... i wonder if there is a way to do that? That would be GREAT!
What's funny is... I bet my boss is going to block this site once she sees I've logged on. Oh yeah, another antecdote about me.... I'm a corporate whore that, after 7 years of taking it up the A** with no vaseline, has become hostile and a lot less cooperative with "the System" and my job and coworkers. This shit is ill. I'll tell ya about that another day. I try not to complain, but shyt... i gotta come here everyday and take somebody else's heat and I'm one of the 3 people in this office that WORKS... during work hours....... umm.... even tho I'm late everyday (HA!)... yeah that's why they're mad at me. But there are 2 sides... like I said... another day. I'm gonna need a new job in a few weeks I'm SURE. I'm good with that though. I dont need the negativity...it's worth the hit. My sanity is much more valuable than their corporate check.
Much L.
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