Sanity over Sex

Well… as expected… my ex…my houseguest tried to GET THA DRAWS DAWWG! LOL. What made it so weak is that… it was completely obvious that THAT’S where her head was as SOON as the sun started creepin down Sunday. I actually got some cleaning done whilst I was trying to do that Avoid-dance. It was like I could smell the heat on her or something. In the interest of keeping the weekend as platonic as it NEED to be, I tried to keep her distracted. Aint that a bitch. Somebody who loves silent attention as much as I do was doing everything I could to keep attention off me. Hell my broke ass even went to blockbuster and rented STRICTLY COMEDIES. MAN, I’ve never had this effect on a person. It’s very strange. I’m indifferent about it.

When you previously lived with a person… slept with them… ate with them… laid with them… showered with them… waited 35-45 minutes after one of their meetings with the Porcelain President in the john… it’s hard to find that platonic balance especially when one of you is still in love. My level of comfort with her crosses platonic lines. I’m comfortable around her, I just don’t trust her… ya know… like a child. Ya love’em but you watch they ass cuz you know when the got summin brewing… and it’s a child… so it’s like a machete vs. butter knife. When/if the kid fuck up, it’s not gonna fuck up your comfort persay, it just means a lesson must be taught. That’s where I am with her. I know she got some shit brewing and ALWAYS do. That’s just who she is. I accepted that. The problem is, her judgment is questionable AT BEST…at BEST, so unfortunately (like a child), she would need to filter all her decisions through me. Aint THAT a bitch. I don’t EVER wanna date somebody (again) that I literally can’t trust out of arms length…not even just line of sight even tho that’s already bad enough.

Ugh… all this shit I’m talkin’ I got away from the part where I tell on myself. About them platonic lines, well… aight… well… It wasn’t me tho, she did it… ok… we kinda kissed a lil. I know it don’t sound like much…hell it wasn’t to me, that’s why I let it happen. But um, she was ill-prepared. I think that’s what rattled her out of that platonic place. She spent the whole evening, hell the whole weekend, in cold showers and pouting and smoking. But, to know me is to know me so know this, I’m cool in all these kinda situations. I had to be. The shit was in MY HOUSE. I don’t allow invasions of discomfort anymore in my home…t’is what drove me insane. I still chilled, kicked it, laughed, did some cleaning and dranking and eating and just enjoying the time. Then… last night she pulled out a classic move. Started moving everything from in front of me to clear a path for her to “make her move”. I was in the middle of break up some Sophie’s Tea, so tea on my hands and fingernails, I’m OBVIOUSLY preparing to sip. Without thought, she made her move. She tried to be coy about it at first like she used to do in the beginning, when she was still hoe-in. She snaked up on me and laid on my thigh with that look in her eye. I was like here it commmmmes! After many, unsuccessful hints, She asked to “make love” to me…specifically stating she did NOT wanna fuck. Still, only thing for me to say to that is ummmm… no, but… thanks? And that pretty much ended the weekend. LOL. She turned sour, her whole demeanor flipped, and I think she managed to clear a pack of cigs in tha day. I took my sleeping pills, laughed at Doug and Carrie and some Family Guy, finally sipped my tea and passed out. The way she left this morning, I think she knows she fucked up her cause. She only sees one thing…one way. Either we are going to be together or she has no reason to live. I need her to snap out of that shyt. I’ve offered her my friendship… but she doesn’t do compromise. Friendship aint BLACK or WHITE enough for her, it’s too much like defeat.

DAMN, some people just don’t have a gray area…called Extremists. She’s such an extremist, some of it she STILL can’t recognize. I accept that too. She just forces her force on me. Yeah I said that right. Everything in her life is forced for credit purposes…meaning somebody gotta “Take the heat” or “Get mad props”…she always pulls her huge SELF-SIZED solar reflecting mirror out to ENSURE that any heat she feel is shifted, where to, she doesn’t care, just NOT on her. Imagine how she takes to “getting mad props”. Yeah, you guessed it, boastfully disgusting. Which makes her the target of a lot of head games and not just from me. What’s fucked up is, she and I could help each other out a lot, if she knew how to ride the gray without dipping in the Black or White.