The Open Book Factor...

Im at Saltgrass.

Drinking and Thinking.

Its been a trying few days.
My corporate pimps... I mean my bosses (husband and wife owned business) called me in to meet with them Monday 15 mins b4 5. I'll tell u about that later. It lit a fire under me though...to get to death quicker. Ha!

I was driving home.. Recieving messages by text and i exited and came to Saltgrass.
I had an epiphany of sorts. Since 2004 i've been in constant battle with my emotions...from the Taurus streak to the easy but flaky model chick to the pimp type playa celebrity chick...to jus me...well not quite.

During the Taurus streak, in the "in between" time, i was emoting all OVER the place. I stopped suppressing my emotions after 23 years and started letting them out. Verbal...blogging...texting...notes...however i could release, i did. Hoping to get the attention of someone who can help me not feel so abandoned, someone who could maybe love me, or better yet to get the attention of the one i was in love with at that time. I exposed flesh to anyone who could read. Now, I can be compromised.

One of the texts I recieved said "...im 100% in love with you."
The first thing i thought was...how did THAT happen? She's never even kissed me b4...how does she knw that?
Then the train of thought started to roll in. With all my flesh exposed...im basically open to ANYBODY who can read, falling in love with me...with my mind..with the way I love. The things I expose have been things that are necessary to make a relationship of any kind work (with me...i cant speak for another. I exposed my demand for respect, my disdain for lies and liars, my respect for the truth, my need for honesty, my anger, my pain, my illnesses, my beaten strength, my unfortunate self image, my needs, my wants and everything in between.

This "place" is a complete 180 from SEARCHIN for love...any kind of love...for tha love of God can i get some love! But thats when i was suppressing it all. NOW, people honestly may not have to meet me to fall in love with parts of me. All that would be left to get in the way is physical attraction.

So now... In assessment... I went from being on a mad hunt for love, truth and understanding... lovestarved. Flipped myself inside out to the internet, exposing all my thoughts, dreams, disappointments, desires, needs, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerablilties. Now here on the other side of insanity...i have more than one person "in love" with me. Aint that a bitch. This is new ground for me. The part that makes it ill is that after failing at love so many times, im on lovestrike. What do i do with this?

Im VERY protective of the people who love me..genuinely. There arent that many because like i said...i didnt start exposing all those things until 2004ish. So, the few that loved me last...still love me...and a few more. I didnt see this creeping up on me. Now, i dont knw how to protect all these hearts...collectively.

This definitely has me concerned...