There's only so much u can do
when a whore is trying to penetrate u.
I see how she handles life and
she wants me to be her wife.
But she doesnt knw shyt about life.
ugh
i cant speak intelligently on this because
there is nothing intelligent about this.
She WISH she could play me like tha hoes
keep me on top and let the rest just float.
As soon as i let her know
she tries to call me a hoe.
Accusing me of holding on
like with my ex....there something going on
transfer of blame
transfer of emotion
anything to make her body feel in motion.
She dies inside without
one on each side.
Leaving me alone would be too much like right.
But she has no choice in tha matter this time.
She came to my house with disrespect on her mind.
Ex girlfriends and love's untrue...
Took precedent over me
does that make sense to you?
Unloved is my middle name.
Its my familiar part of the game
The way she thinks is a damn shame
a way that will never master the game.
she will always be a pawn
wondering why she never won.
You cant play the game of night
in the morning sun.
Im so glad to be without
i'll miss her love
but NEVER her doubt.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Im damn near at the end of my rope.
My eX is so "HER" that she's burning every bridge she got. Her FAM keeps putting her out of their various homes and she doesnt even understand it. She's supposed to be on her way bk home now but just found out her stuff by tha door where she is staying...waitin on her to get it and get out when she get returns...i feel awful for her...she claims to have no one but me. I dont believe that shyt...never did. But at this rate...it WILL be true.
then....what will we do...
My eX is so "HER" that she's burning every bridge she got. Her FAM keeps putting her out of their various homes and she doesnt even understand it. She's supposed to be on her way bk home now but just found out her stuff by tha door where she is staying...waitin on her to get it and get out when she get returns...i feel awful for her...she claims to have no one but me. I dont believe that shyt...never did. But at this rate...it WILL be true.
then....what will we do...
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
From my Heart...not my mouth
I have NOT forgotten about this Erykah thing. Honestly, I haven't read anything that was posted against Erykah because I know it will INFURIATE ME. I fully intend to speak my piece though. NOBODY attack Erykah Badu, after she damn near single-handedly freed the minds of the handful of us who allowed her to do so. HOW FUKKING DARE THEY! See... let me stop NOW. Erykah has pristinely spoken up for herself as expected and I want to CONGRATULATE her on the creation of new life. Erykah has spoken for herself, but I will speak up for the TRUE fans. The unspoken fan divide in the industry has been eating me alive with the scrutiny of artists like Amy Winehouse, the late GREAT Ol' Dirty Bastard....and now Erykah Badu. The divide between "fans of the music" and "fans of the artist". But i'm seeing now (not that I didnt know, i just NEVER expected Badu to be the target) that MANY fans aren't fans at all. After this most recent attack on Erykah and I've been slowly losing it with all the unfortunate Amy scrutiny, I can't hold it anymore.
It's time for me to be getting ready for bed. I'm going to need time and emotional energy for this.
It's time for me to be getting ready for bed. I'm going to need time and emotional energy for this.
Mind-blowing love...deferred
There is a woman who fell in love with me by way of my words and exposed emotions online...and she and I have become good friends. She knows my heart and knows what im passionate about. Music is my heart and soul. She likes my taste and likes the new songs and artists i introduce her to. She knows and understands my need to be free and has no resentment toward me for not dating her. I love her, but Im not IN love with her. BUT! Even though she doesnt claw at me like a cat, she has very subtle ways of continually letting me knw how she feels about me.
There is a song that i fell completely in love with back in 2003. My best friend and I collaborated back then in the studio to create an EXTENDED version of this song (that's how much I love it). This version was to be shared with my wife. The song will be from My heart to hers. I hadnt heard it in years. It's been on ICE for the WIFE. Not to mention i've been on music hiatus for emotional reasons. The CD was released in the US 5 years after production and release across the pond, so it was my secret favorite song. Only my best friend Brad knows how deep that song runs in my blood.
One of the ways my friend expresses herself is thru Answer Tones/Calltones for when i call her. I remember the first one i recall was "If i Had my Way" Chrisette Michele. Hearing that made me smile. Finding out that she set it personally for ME made me smile a little wider. There have been quite a few more over the past year or so. THIS time....she hit tha jackpot. The song that is the nearest and dearest to my heart....the song that carries so much sentiment that I saved it for my WIFE. Only my best friend Brad who played with the song for me in the studio FOR the day i marry, knows that THAT song is for THE ONE. She came to town this evening, called me, i returned her call and there it was.......... "there is nooooo greater love....than what i feel for you....no sweeter song....no heart so true.....". My heart STOPPED. My jaw seemed to disconnect from my face. The world just disappeared....it was just me and tha song that is reserved for the one i havent met yet...the one i will love the most forever. Then she answered.
OH
MY
GOD!
was all I could get to come out of my mouth. I managed to find out that she did indeed set that one personally for me as well. She said she just heard it and thought it was perfect for me.... Thats it. Just like that. I am still speechless. I can tell the lead up story...but the emotions that flooded when i heard that song....just saturated all the trains of thought on my track.
How did she know?
How COULD she know?
Did i ever tell her about that song?
What made her even listen to it?
How did she know it was "perfect for me"?There is a song that i fell completely in love with back in 2003. My best friend and I collaborated back then in the studio to create an EXTENDED version of this song (that's how much I love it). This version was to be shared with my wife. The song will be from My heart to hers. I hadnt heard it in years. It's been on ICE for the WIFE. Not to mention i've been on music hiatus for emotional reasons. The CD was released in the US 5 years after production and release across the pond, so it was my secret favorite song. Only my best friend Brad knows how deep that song runs in my blood.
One of the ways my friend expresses herself is thru Answer Tones/Calltones for when i call her. I remember the first one i recall was "If i Had my Way" Chrisette Michele. Hearing that made me smile. Finding out that she set it personally for ME made me smile a little wider. There have been quite a few more over the past year or so. THIS time....she hit tha jackpot. The song that is the nearest and dearest to my heart....the song that carries so much sentiment that I saved it for my WIFE. Only my best friend Brad who played with the song for me in the studio FOR the day i marry, knows that THAT song is for THE ONE. She came to town this evening, called me, i returned her call and there it was.......... "there is nooooo greater love....than what i feel for you....no sweeter song....no heart so true.....". My heart STOPPED. My jaw seemed to disconnect from my face. The world just disappeared....it was just me and tha song that is reserved for the one i havent met yet...the one i will love the most forever. Then she answered.
OH
MY
GOD!
was all I could get to come out of my mouth. I managed to find out that she did indeed set that one personally for me as well. She said she just heard it and thought it was perfect for me.... Thats it. Just like that. I am still speechless. I can tell the lead up story...but the emotions that flooded when i heard that song....just saturated all the trains of thought on my track.
How did she know?
How COULD she know?
Did i ever tell her about that song?
What made her even listen to it?
OMG, Does she really feel like that about me?
(i mean, this song is the sentiment that was ONLY worthy of my WIFE)
Again...does she feel about me the way i want my WIFE to feel about me?
Does she feel the way i WILL feel for my WIFE?
What do i do?
How did she access my emotional music VAULT?
Does she really know me THIS well?
Have I exposed too much?
Would it be wrong of me to ignore what I'm feeling as a result?
What the hell AM I feeling?
Wow!
My mind is blown.
im just....completely speechless.
One thing I can say is... For someone whose seen me 4 times... Total, she knows me better than anybody in Texas....but I DO NOT know how she tapped into one of my most sacred musical secrets. And so effortlessly...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cup runneth over
Theres a lot going on
This Erykah Badu situation has me LIVID and i think im about to break my social silence.
My family's abandoned me (minus 3 of them). They just have no idea who I am...and dont care. They just want "Starla 1999"...cuz she's familiar.
My eX is too set in her ways to show me the "better her" that she desperately wants me to see. Hell i see it....but i see the strings and tape too...it too is a mask that can be removed. I really wanted to challenge myself with this one....and try to make it work. But... Real life supercedes.
I got people who think they're smarter than me saying some of the dumbest shit.
Im finding out that some of the people i respected the most....are now my biggest disappointments.
and I am beyond sick of being misunderstood. I decided to just stop trying to make people understand. They ask the questions and "dont get" the answers. "What good do ur words do...if they cant understand you..." you know who said that shyt Badu...Baduuuu... :)
i dont know how and when i will collect all these thoughts. With all the stuff thats happening, im about to explode!
This Erykah Badu situation has me LIVID and i think im about to break my social silence.
My family's abandoned me (minus 3 of them). They just have no idea who I am...and dont care. They just want "Starla 1999"...cuz she's familiar.
My eX is too set in her ways to show me the "better her" that she desperately wants me to see. Hell i see it....but i see the strings and tape too...it too is a mask that can be removed. I really wanted to challenge myself with this one....and try to make it work. But... Real life supercedes.
I got people who think they're smarter than me saying some of the dumbest shit.
Im finding out that some of the people i respected the most....are now my biggest disappointments.
and I am beyond sick of being misunderstood. I decided to just stop trying to make people understand. They ask the questions and "dont get" the answers. "What good do ur words do...if they cant understand you..." you know who said that shyt Badu...Baduuuu... :)
i dont know how and when i will collect all these thoughts. With all the stuff thats happening, im about to explode!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Trying to wake up!
i wont disappear from here. Its the only place im safe. I keep learning new things about me and i sink into myself because i either hate what i've learned or im trying to figure out how to live with a difficult flaw.
this time... It was outside forces. As usual. Hell, dont kid urself, im suicidal as hell but the light at the end of my tunnel is lively and bright! The problem is...Al Capone was my tunnel's engineer. I think he worked with Freud, Jung, and the "Saw" killa when he designed it. There are doors...many doors...ceilings, walls, and floors. Im tripping on wires and falling thru cracks. Sometimes a fist comes out of the wall just to take a whack. Those hits i can take...shyt i prefer them to the tricks. Then the tricks becomes my treats of life...if i can stand up from it and survive. Here i am still alive.
this time... It was outside forces. As usual. Hell, dont kid urself, im suicidal as hell but the light at the end of my tunnel is lively and bright! The problem is...Al Capone was my tunnel's engineer. I think he worked with Freud, Jung, and the "Saw" killa when he designed it. There are doors...many doors...ceilings, walls, and floors. Im tripping on wires and falling thru cracks. Sometimes a fist comes out of the wall just to take a whack. Those hits i can take...shyt i prefer them to the tricks. Then the tricks becomes my treats of life...if i can stand up from it and survive. Here i am still alive.
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