A bridge burned...

There is an emotion raging inside of me
I cant make it stop
Im surrounded by selfish idiots
Im surrounded by idiots...
I hate talking to people who have no connection
no segway
no beaten path to my way of thinking
I dont expect everyone to agree with me
i have no desire for a yes man.

the same type of people continue to plague my life.
I've had yes men
I've had pure haters.
I've had unpure haters
I've had enemies in friends clothing
and friends in enemies clothing

I seem to have run out of all things genuine.
This sort of thing forces me to apply my survival skills.
if you cant beat'em join'em is not really my way of life.
But i find myself in a position where i may need to placate'em.

i think once i had my LAST argument with my eX i realized that there was NOTHING i would be able to do to coexist with her. She continues to force herself and her selfishness and her desires, and her needs on me. Basically making me fully responsible for how fukked up her life is. As much as i care for her, i cannot sacrifice another iota of sanity JUST to appease her! She's a childish kid who knows nothing about mutual respect and love. She's been deprived to those things all her life and I...made the...mistake...well choice of trying to teach her. She used the entire experience to try to use what i taught her to manipulate me and the situation, because she knew, she'd never be ready or willing to give up THAT much for ANYBODY. THAT much meaning pride, ego, and simply put "having her way". She's a classic baby of the family/only child. Using sympathy and sex appeal to get everything she wants...and its worked.

She is TOXIC to me! And i think i JUST figured out why...wow.
Ok. Let me see if I can make sense of this. I already discovered the obvious which is, she brings out the worst in me. But thats not the first time thats happened to me. This is a bit new tho, because, she is on a different level. in early evaluation, i read her like a book. There was something "off" about her. I noticed how well she evaded...when things were not going her way or when she saw that she was about to have to take responsibility for something. She was QUITE the sweet talker. She made me question her, myself and the entire relationship. Her dealings have no depth or purpose other than to please and appease herself. then it was clear, these were the actions of a scared child. For me, i think the person she brought out in me was the 11-year-old me.... Shyt. Back when i was still an only child...and wanted things to go the way I needed them to go. Before my litte sister came and "stole my thunder". Because I adapt well...its was not very long after my sis arrived that i started considering others and slowly growing out of the childish selfishness. I had no idea i'd need that quality back in 2008.

She reminds me of the childish, selfish, cocky, egomaniacal only child i once was. She overly combative, confrontational, she doesn't appreciate what's earned, she takes more pride in what she can take or manipulate into her life. She thinks she's ALWAYS right. If you have an experience, she's had it too and better or more times. She's boastful about little things because she doesnt actually do anything but sit back and wait for accolades and attention. She guilt trips all her loved ones into loving her, as opposed to earning the mutual respect and love from others.

I think i resent her for getting away with that and making people cow-tow to her for 25 years for her own PERSONAL satisfaction and gain and THEN she tried to make ME one of her patsies. It's like a "met her match" situation. There was no way I was going to just be her next conquest. Her extreme nature created a horrible dynamic for us because im VERY laid back and low-key. But She... Loved to be seen, heard, and followed...even though there was hardly ever a Reason for anyone to want to knw what she's thinking. But whether it was relevant, necessary, or even asked for or NOT, she made sure she was heard. And made many people regret letting her force them to listen. She's exceptionally demanding...and she's always prepared to give...nothing. All she offers is sex....and that was not substantial either. She was impossible to tolerate. On a continuous quest to impress as MANY people as she could...never stopping to understand....Why! She was a people-pleaser and a severe egomaniac. The longer i stayed with her...the more i noticed myself changing.

I had to choose me.
Her behavior was so disturbing to me that it eventually led to me accessing those 11-year old parts of me so i could combat her...on her level. Im actually afraid that this may have had long-term effects. All the love she gave me was Conditional. There was never room for error. All she had to do was THINK i was interested in anyone else and she would take the steps to "even the score", whether she was right or not. I remember hearing from her old girlfriends "Papi just REFUSE to be faithful." when i heard that was the concensus, I was not suprised. She had already managed to slip a few ladies in on my watch and I havent known her a year yet.

Her need to prove a point...is Extreme. But it makes sense when ur a liar and are used to ur word meaning NOTHING. She and I broke up in March..yes MARCH.......and why am i still speaking of her?... Because no matter how hard i try to shake her...she's a man on a mission to prove a point....that she can make me love her like she wants me to...that she CAN get me back and keep me. It was ONLY at NOON TODAY that I think she's given up. It hurt me honestly to feel like a project...like a conquest. I needed to see something genuine...and she just doesnt have anything of substance to give someone that isnt her Grandmother (the only person she's ever loved or respected).

i've become something different.
Im not sure if i'll get myself back from this.

Story of my life

No one loves you.

They're just pretending
to be nice. But they
talk bad about you
after you leave
the room.

You're gonna die
alone.

Stagnant...

I have a feeling that I wont get much done today. I have so much on my mind, I know i'm going to get home and get distracted by ANYTHING that will help me forget this horrible feeling of abandonment.

I dunno...

I miss Pap. But I can't tell her that.
I miss holding her.
I miss laying my lips on her neck in a hug.
I miss having her near me when I'm sleeping.
I felt protected.
I miss her determination.
I miss seeing her smile big...
She'd cover her mouth because she hated it.
It made my day.
Until other women...were the ones...
Making her smile wide.
I just made her smile.
I'm not good at these things
Competition was not fair to me.
I never made her compete.
Why would she do this to me?

She made it a point to hate me before she let me go. I wasn't "friend" material. She prefers all the fraudulent friends who abandoned her when she started to date me. She chose.... them.... over me. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over that, but It doesnt matter. I'm DEAD to everyone and I plan to stay that way.

barely there...

Today is the day progress will be made.

I've opened a lot of doors and I've closed just as many.

I've watched myself this past year, trying to understand the connections I have and what they mean or if they mean anything.

I've come to some very unusual conclusions that will only be revealed with time.

I plan to have my facebook account deactivated by the end of the week and possibly my downelink account as well. The only important things there are... my blogs. I dont just type fluff. I cant express myself in lies. I broke away from the Major Hub (Myspace) because I needed to escape how BAD my life really was. But in the end, history repeated itself.

My eXXXX ran my eX off, I'm HELLA sad about that because I loved her more than she will ever believe but I can't control what people allow themselves to be torn apart by. In this case, she let PURE EGO make a decision. Her insecurity about the difference in age, appearance, career and assumed desire got the best of her and she made a terrible decision, told several lies, and lost me and my respect.

There is so much for me to do in my home. I haven't unpacked nor have I gotten anything in order to establish comfort in my apartment. I just go there... sit, smoke, and sleep. I lack the time, energy, and discipline to do this myself. Bottom line of that... I just gotta MAKE myself GET IT TOGETHER. I can't die yet. It's not up to me right now.

I have to embrace my genuine interests wholeheartedly to stay afloat. My online life will be different in a lot of ways. I have to select the sites that I will stay a part of. THIS blog, will remain semi-private. I'm not telling anyone I'm here. I'm actually easily found though. I'm not hiding, just not inviting.

Today... needs to mark a new beginning for me. Everything must change...