“Starla, even with all your “insanity” and everything you think is wrong with
you… I’m sorry, to me, you are just perfect. Everything about you is PERFECT.”
I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…
Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh
It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.
I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…
Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.
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