RIP OG Style... Why don't we Live In Peace?

Today is the 2nd deathoversary of Eric "OG Style" Woods (July 5, 1970 - January 3, 2008)

Words escape me. I know he rolled over and wrote a rhyme in his grave over what's happened to the "fam" he knew. He was truly the rock and we didn't realize it. I've watched my flowers for him wither for 2 years and crumble at that sheer mistake of not giving them to him in time. Such a precious life lost, and the lesson left was misfired. I don't know what the fam is thinking... We lost so much only to lose twice as much in shame and pride, then call it "growth, peace, and progress". Love is stronger than pride...how did we forget that!

I almost lost my cousin on NYE...my Lil BROTHER. The value of his life to me is equivalent to my own...meaning, he dies, I DIE. For those who know me, know I've never really put much value in my own life. My life's worth has been nestled in the lives I've changed and those who've changed mine. Both elements being tested this way in 2 days rudely awakened me to some more...more...more harsh realities.

WE...stood at the foot of OG's hospital bed, in the end, and said "You better off than all of us my nikka, save me a seat". And the only life left was memories...

My cousin...had a choice. He could have given up...He COULD have chosen to give up...... I have no words for that other than.... I can't say I would have had the strength or desire to make the same choice. Where does that leave my head now...

OG's passing in addition to being tragic, it was an opportunity for enlightenment. Somehow all Affected parties were enlightened in their own way and the result was additional tragedy. I mean "Are any of us happy...even those who SHOULD be, are still "missing elements"? I've never seen misguidance go so far and affect so many people at once and continually. The answers become the questions. The blood becomes the water. The lies become the truth. The wants masquerade as needs. When, in essence, we've lost so much more than we THINK we gained.

I have a lot of thinking still to do. I hope some others are inspired to think outside the boxes they've created around their lives.

From my Heart...not my mouth

I have NOT forgotten about this Erykah thing. Honestly, I haven't read anything that was posted against Erykah because I know it will INFURIATE ME. I fully intend to speak my piece though. NOBODY attack Erykah Badu, after she damn near single-handedly freed the minds of the handful of us who allowed her to do so. HOW FUKKING DARE THEY! See... let me stop NOW. Erykah has pristinely spoken up for herself as expected and I want to CONGRATULATE her on the creation of new life. Erykah has spoken for herself, but I will speak up for the TRUE fans. The unspoken fan divide in the industry has been eating me alive with the scrutiny of artists like Amy Winehouse, the late GREAT Ol' Dirty Bastard....and now Erykah Badu. The divide between "fans of the music" and "fans of the artist". But i'm seeing now (not that I didnt know, i just NEVER expected Badu to be the target) that MANY fans aren't fans at all. After this most recent attack on Erykah and I've been slowly losing it with all the unfortunate Amy scrutiny, I can't hold it anymore.

It's time for me to be getting ready for bed. I'm going to need time and emotional energy for this.

The Open Book Factor...

Im at Saltgrass.

Drinking and Thinking.

Its been a trying few days.
My corporate pimps... I mean my bosses (husband and wife owned business) called me in to meet with them Monday 15 mins b4 5. I'll tell u about that later. It lit a fire under me though...to get to death quicker. Ha!

I was driving home.. Recieving messages by text and i exited and came to Saltgrass.
I had an epiphany of sorts. Since 2004 i've been in constant battle with my emotions...from the Taurus streak to the easy but flaky model chick to the pimp type playa celebrity chick...to jus me...well not quite.

During the Taurus streak, in the "in between" time, i was emoting all OVER the place. I stopped suppressing my emotions after 23 years and started letting them out. Verbal...blogging...texting...notes...however i could release, i did. Hoping to get the attention of someone who can help me not feel so abandoned, someone who could maybe love me, or better yet to get the attention of the one i was in love with at that time. I exposed flesh to anyone who could read. Now, I can be compromised.

One of the texts I recieved said "...im 100% in love with you."
The first thing i thought was...how did THAT happen? She's never even kissed me b4...how does she knw that?
Then the train of thought started to roll in. With all my flesh exposed...im basically open to ANYBODY who can read, falling in love with me...with my mind..with the way I love. The things I expose have been things that are necessary to make a relationship of any kind work (with me...i cant speak for another. I exposed my demand for respect, my disdain for lies and liars, my respect for the truth, my need for honesty, my anger, my pain, my illnesses, my beaten strength, my unfortunate self image, my needs, my wants and everything in between.

This "place" is a complete 180 from SEARCHIN for love...any kind of love...for tha love of God can i get some love! But thats when i was suppressing it all. NOW, people honestly may not have to meet me to fall in love with parts of me. All that would be left to get in the way is physical attraction.

So now... In assessment... I went from being on a mad hunt for love, truth and understanding... lovestarved. Flipped myself inside out to the internet, exposing all my thoughts, dreams, disappointments, desires, needs, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerablilties. Now here on the other side of insanity...i have more than one person "in love" with me. Aint that a bitch. This is new ground for me. The part that makes it ill is that after failing at love so many times, im on lovestrike. What do i do with this?

Im VERY protective of the people who love me..genuinely. There arent that many because like i said...i didnt start exposing all those things until 2004ish. So, the few that loved me last...still love me...and a few more. I didnt see this creeping up on me. Now, i dont knw how to protect all these hearts...collectively.

This definitely has me concerned...

Perception of Perfection...

Somebody said to me yesterday. Someone dear to me said:

“Starla, even with all your “insanity” and everything you think is wrong with
you… I’m sorry, to me, you are just perfect. Everything about you is PERFECT.”

I wont lie. At no point in the conversation did I feel AWESOME. You would think that would do wonders for my esteem and my self-image, but I was so indifferent about it, I had to table it until today. It’s still on the table. I have no idea why I hated to hear t hat so much, and I know that that particular train of thought…is sure to derail. I’m too suicidal these days for ANY upset. Hey… at least I know…

Wow… I’m PERFECT. Perfect. Perfect? Jesus! smh

It just made me realize how out of touch I am with people’s perception of me. I’ve been trying to disappear from the thoughts, minds and heart of these few people who love me. But the shyt seems to make them cling to me more…not only that… there seems to be more of them, coming out of the woodwork. I know how to stop this… but damn… this wont be pretty.

I think I’m going to try to sink into my music and see how far that goes toward the cause. Music is the closest thing I have to the medication I can’t seem to get. The combination of musick and my leg shaking itself to death is keeping my anxiety low until I can get out of this lazy, judgmental ass office. As we speak, my coworker is trying to pretend to NOT look over my shoulder because he hears rapid typing. UGH! Another blog…

Ha! Music by Leela James just came on my mp3 player… perfect timing.