Since I moved and changed my appearance, I noticed an alarming trend among this different demographic of lesbians. The Stud/femme factor is taken waaaay too seriously. I'm a self-described stemme. I don't dress fully stud nor do I dress fully femme. I dress comfortably. My pics aren't deceiving. I haven't gotten any negative feedback about my personality.
The problem seems to be that femmes see me in a button down shirt, fitting jeans and the short hair and they expect me to be immediately dominant. They want to go out with me but I don't find out until I call them, instead of them calling me. They want me to carry conversations as if I'm in full pursuit when I'm just trying to get to know them first.
And studs see a button down shirt and short hair and pay me NO attention...as if I'm not even a lesbian. As a result, I have to wonder what is the meaning of this.
I can easily be called a stud, mentally and a femme at heart. That doesn't make sense to most. But it doesn't matter. I'm a lesbian! A woman who loves women, I can be dominant, I can be submissive, I can wear a dress, I can wear a polo. So why do I only appeal to femmes with high expectations and studs see me as 'one of the bois'.
After dealing with this kind of 'discrimination', it sucks to be a stemme. But why, can't I be a comfortable lesbian and attract women who are going to appreciate me for more than what they think my appearance represents? My mind and heart have a lot more to offer...is anyone going to see past my clothing to find out...
One can only hope.
4 comments:
This is very interesting commentary. I would love to correspond about it. I research these issues. Email me blkissueslgbt@aol.com. Also, follow blkissueslgbt on twitter
iiDon't see why you can't attract the women you want...just cuz a few are busters? iiBelieve the womyn you seek are there, but may not be in one geographical community ...just like one may have to change one's community when coming out of the closet to seek closer bonds in relationships and understanding to people he/she can relate to...it's all about finding your community, and iiM sure it exists out there....
It seems like there is now becoming a "mainstream gay" ...iiUnderstand where you're coming from, it's senseless to discriminate against our own, but can you blame anyone for liking what they like? Or are there external forces at work? Why look at the individual when the system's fucked up?
Well i too am a stemme like yourself. I dress like a stud one day && like a femme the next. I also deal with femmes thinking i want one main thing && studs looking at me as one of the boys. Personally i prefer studs as far as dating goes but i wudnt mind a nice stemme or femme. . .to me females are females, no matter stud or femme we all have vaginas && boobs. Lol. . .but it's strictly personal preference. Most studs dont like other studs therefore they arent gonna date stemmes who dress like studs. I dont see what the big deal is because as i've said it's all personal preference. But trust me it's not you. . .it's them! But believe me there are those select few that are what i call "true" lesbians because they dont care how you dress or how you carry yourself as long as you are a female.
Wow this was posted 7 years ago so. It sure if anyone will see my post but the exact thing has been happening to me for the most part since I came out, only opposite as far as the butch woman don't ignore me the femme woman do , and I'm 100% stemme /soft butch..I mean I never wear dresses or much make up , mainly wear men's clothing Bc only thing I feel comfortable in ..and if you can't tell I'm gay by appearance it would only be due to not having extremely short hair( just saying this sounds silly Bc I know it's SO MUCH MIRE THAN THAT )..but I am ONLY comfortable being the more dominant one in a relationship ( physically and emotionally ) but it feels impossible to find someone because of this exact reason ...i am thinking about relocating Bc I'm ready to be with someone for the rest of my life but I'm not going to settle ...I did have a relation with one woman and he got was perfect as far as how we felt comfortable with how our roles in relationship fell into place but that relationship is over and I can't really get over her .. not because I'm in love with her anymore but because It feels like I can't find anyone since that seems me for me unless they are more butch than me which makes me extremely uncomfortable so no I don't agree withat h the one statement made earlier on post that we are all woman with boobs and vagina Bc to me that is SOOOO NOT TRUE But thank you all for everything else you said Bc I can totally relate
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