Strange Existence

I’m in limbo. I’ve been stripped of life as I know it. I’m left with loss, debt, shame, fear, loneliness, foolishness, inhibition, indifference, and complete self worthlessness.

There was an encounter…

I was pushed to the edge, threatened, violated and forced to defend myself.

Is there something I should miss
You know
something more than your kiss
Should I think more of you than this
You made me feel worthless
Why am I even giving you this
Your love was
Toxic
Full of taint and cancer
Our chemistry mirrors
Runnin with scissors...

How am I going to do this...

I’m brainstorming...about what the hell I’m gonna do about income and shelter. I lost my job  and my home and I CANNOT bring myself to tell anyone related to me. My fam knows, but not my relatives don’t. I’ve always been very independent. Now I have no independence and I’m getting in the way...

Great Mistake…

I can't explain
what I feel
Feelings that shouldn't be real
She left my life
Didn't look back
My heart in tow
My face was cracked
Then she called
What's up with that
All I knew was love her back
Then she spoke
Hearts on melt
Trying to understand what she felt
Questions poured my mind a glass
Let her tell one lie, the last...
Then she changed her tune again
Reminders of us being more than friends
Lost my mind
Thinking back
Surrogate mother wives
Kids to love us back
Going to work everyday and back
Greeted with sunshine
A smile so great
Only one that made me masturbate
Didn't have to cuz the love was real
Passionate kisses and a brand new feel
Touching her face
Unguarded me
Laying in her arms
Transcended me
So comfortable I fell asleep
Never before had that happen to me
Work day melted off of me
ONLY SHE
Did that for me
But she felt out of place with me
So she sought out baby V
Told her it's not really me
I'm just as far as she can she
Dropped my glass
Couldn't see straight...
She thought I was a mistake
Didn't know what to make of that
Heart flopping in broken glass
Feeling like she was about the cash
Blinded by a betrayed heart
I called her up and ripped apart
Said things that I shouldn't say
I didn't even really feel that way.
She was lying
I was crying
Pain and anger spoke loud for me
Didnt hear her when she said
I'm sorry
It won't happen again
Please forgive me
That's what she said
Now it's nonstop in my head.
All those things I shouldn'ta read
All those things I shouldn'ta said
All turned to
A lifetime of regrets
Just too hurt to hear the words
Couldn't be civilized no more
Hurt turned to rage
That started to burn
I know I was wrong
I know I was
Cuz she'd become
My definition of love
Words came out
Brash and rough
I didn't let up
She had enough
Then my heart start burning up
Couldn't see past that one fuck up
Tried my best to pull it back
She probably thought I was on crack
And I kinda was, but more than that
My heart was cracked, it fired back
I know I was wrong for that
She will never come back
My greatest mistake
And I'm to blame for that...

part of me...

TAKEN…

I floated back to shore
Water in my lungs
Bystanders watching the life get thrust back into me
I awaken and simply run

“WAIT…YOU LEFT YOUR………geez……ITS YOUR…YOUR HEART, LADY!”

After what’s happened to me this year, I’m indifferent about whether or not I was supposed to survive this shit. But here we are.

When I look in the mirror, it’s hard to imagine that I LET this happen to myself. Many people affected me. Positively and negatively. The problem with that is… ego. If I’m gonna be able to genuinely get this out, it JUST must be said.

Here’s the short non evasive story… The Trilogy

I fell in love… young woman. Wondering “what is love”. I’m sure I was in it.

I fell in a new love... Ecstatic, like a virgin.   Then, came the competition. Why should I compete for what’s already mine?  If you are not mine, then that’s makes u free to go, right and I’m alone. No regrets, just questions. Questions about me. Questions about them. Questions about the quality of love I was in. Learned enough for me to get the message that there was something I might find out about later…

I fell in love. Something different. Stylistics Brand New. Wonderfully frightening. Snatched my brain right out. Running on pure heart, pure love, felt fully reciprocated for the first time ever in life. As quickly as I met love, (the true kind that only comes to a few), it was gone.

NOW, I know what love is, had it and lost it. My plan for life was shattered and instantly there was nothing left…and without the truth…without some truthful explanation, rationalization… this is where I land…ashes on broken glass.

On the Memories Museum, they represent my Trilogy.

Starla as she was once known is now lost in a gust of wind…

Dead inside with a world of questions…like “what is love”, “was ANY of that love”, “is it me”, “is it them”. Rapport still intact with the Trilogy…except the last one. Stagnant existent didn’t want to move. Couldn’t move. Didn’t move. Ambivalent. Girl, Interrupted.

Had to shake it…without knowing why. Dysfunction. Slavery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tried to love again. It didn’t feel right for clear reasons. I infiltrated an existing situation extracted somebody’s baby mama and took her home and turned her out. I just went for the ego boost.  Complete waste of DISAPPOINTMENT’S time. Didn’t realize how genuine I was at heart for people who…well…  She was so good at being lovable or something, I started to love her I think, but apparently the line to her pussy was long like train smoke so I had to share… I DONT share, she KNEW that’s why it took 3 years of online friendship for us to meet and become a couple. Thought she was mine and ended up in an artillery battle with a baby daddy... My weapon, of course, being my witts. I shut him up quick, basically she was mine now, ask her, she’s right here. She even kissed me in the stage lights at the strip club…and he was there…looking (and they came together). I had multiple encounters with this cat, he was obviously a nigga spurned. What you expect. You got your gal took… by a GIRL. That has to do certain damage to a man. That NIKKA was a grown ass man threatening to put you hands on a woman. WEAK! Moreover, she’s crazy as hell, invited you to PLEASE come finish the job of fucking me up…and got crew and fam that got my back whether I need it or not. He was just completely out of his element and hell… i told him, better off. But, little did I know THEN, I had a spaghetti bitch…ya know “straight until wet”…UGH! Imagine how that went. Of course when he fell hard for the woman to later become his wife, i saw the inevitable change in my gal and my relationship, then she cheated WITH PENIS. I knew my ego hang glide was over. Should have been quick and amicable. SHIIID!

She bitched, wrote, and cried, blogged and lied all over the place about her broken heart as she shared her body with anyone bearing an orgasm or simply aggressive enough to just…ask. That infuriated me. When I let you go, you LEAVE. She played heartbreak and made me the presiding ogre over the pain in her life…with her foot on my back spaghetti worming her way into an industry that glamorizes lesbians…ya know…cuz we HOT! :) Lesbians flock and flee with the same story, that BI ass bitch wouldn’t TALK to me…I was much more acquainted with her pussy. Didn’t take long before the industry got in her…literally. There she remains…spiraling downward back into that destructive state of mind. Ego completely out of control because she’s the next Melissa Ford without the Honda Accord. Unfortunately in her case, there are children involved…and just her and her orgasm-giver.  As for me, I can say her effect on my life was a Profound Level 2. I’ll explain that one day. In short, she’s cool under the right influence, unsubstantially easygoing, fun to party with, and will remain submissive, just in case. I left that situation knowing…it was simply of no consequence. Done.

 

I woke up on my birthday at midnight…to a sweet kiss and a “happy birthday”…then suddenly I’m calling in at work because I just got out of a UFC ring was, at the time, my living room.

…to be finished, not continued

A bridge burned...

There is an emotion raging inside of me
I cant make it stop
Im surrounded by selfish idiots
Im surrounded by idiots...
I hate talking to people who have no connection
no segway
no beaten path to my way of thinking
I dont expect everyone to agree with me
i have no desire for a yes man.

the same type of people continue to plague my life.
I've had yes men
I've had pure haters.
I've had unpure haters
I've had enemies in friends clothing
and friends in enemies clothing

I seem to have run out of all things genuine.
This sort of thing forces me to apply my survival skills.
if you cant beat'em join'em is not really my way of life.
But i find myself in a position where i may need to placate'em.

i think once i had my LAST argument with my eX i realized that there was NOTHING i would be able to do to coexist with her. She continues to force herself and her selfishness and her desires, and her needs on me. Basically making me fully responsible for how fukked up her life is. As much as i care for her, i cannot sacrifice another iota of sanity JUST to appease her! She's a childish kid who knows nothing about mutual respect and love. She's been deprived to those things all her life and I...made the...mistake...well choice of trying to teach her. She used the entire experience to try to use what i taught her to manipulate me and the situation, because she knew, she'd never be ready or willing to give up THAT much for ANYBODY. THAT much meaning pride, ego, and simply put "having her way". She's a classic baby of the family/only child. Using sympathy and sex appeal to get everything she wants...and its worked.

She is TOXIC to me! And i think i JUST figured out why...wow.
Ok. Let me see if I can make sense of this. I already discovered the obvious which is, she brings out the worst in me. But thats not the first time thats happened to me. This is a bit new tho, because, she is on a different level. in early evaluation, i read her like a book. There was something "off" about her. I noticed how well she evaded...when things were not going her way or when she saw that she was about to have to take responsibility for something. She was QUITE the sweet talker. She made me question her, myself and the entire relationship. Her dealings have no depth or purpose other than to please and appease herself. then it was clear, these were the actions of a scared child. For me, i think the person she brought out in me was the 11-year-old me.... Shyt. Back when i was still an only child...and wanted things to go the way I needed them to go. Before my litte sister came and "stole my thunder". Because I adapt well...its was not very long after my sis arrived that i started considering others and slowly growing out of the childish selfishness. I had no idea i'd need that quality back in 2008.

She reminds me of the childish, selfish, cocky, egomaniacal only child i once was. She overly combative, confrontational, she doesn't appreciate what's earned, she takes more pride in what she can take or manipulate into her life. She thinks she's ALWAYS right. If you have an experience, she's had it too and better or more times. She's boastful about little things because she doesnt actually do anything but sit back and wait for accolades and attention. She guilt trips all her loved ones into loving her, as opposed to earning the mutual respect and love from others.

I think i resent her for getting away with that and making people cow-tow to her for 25 years for her own PERSONAL satisfaction and gain and THEN she tried to make ME one of her patsies. It's like a "met her match" situation. There was no way I was going to just be her next conquest. Her extreme nature created a horrible dynamic for us because im VERY laid back and low-key. But She... Loved to be seen, heard, and followed...even though there was hardly ever a Reason for anyone to want to knw what she's thinking. But whether it was relevant, necessary, or even asked for or NOT, she made sure she was heard. And made many people regret letting her force them to listen. She's exceptionally demanding...and she's always prepared to give...nothing. All she offers is sex....and that was not substantial either. She was impossible to tolerate. On a continuous quest to impress as MANY people as she could...never stopping to understand....Why! She was a people-pleaser and a severe egomaniac. The longer i stayed with her...the more i noticed myself changing.

I had to choose me.
Her behavior was so disturbing to me that it eventually led to me accessing those 11-year old parts of me so i could combat her...on her level. Im actually afraid that this may have had long-term effects. All the love she gave me was Conditional. There was never room for error. All she had to do was THINK i was interested in anyone else and she would take the steps to "even the score", whether she was right or not. I remember hearing from her old girlfriends "Papi just REFUSE to be faithful." when i heard that was the concensus, I was not suprised. She had already managed to slip a few ladies in on my watch and I havent known her a year yet.

Her need to prove a point...is Extreme. But it makes sense when ur a liar and are used to ur word meaning NOTHING. She and I broke up in March..yes MARCH.......and why am i still speaking of her?... Because no matter how hard i try to shake her...she's a man on a mission to prove a point....that she can make me love her like she wants me to...that she CAN get me back and keep me. It was ONLY at NOON TODAY that I think she's given up. It hurt me honestly to feel like a project...like a conquest. I needed to see something genuine...and she just doesnt have anything of substance to give someone that isnt her Grandmother (the only person she's ever loved or respected).

i've become something different.
Im not sure if i'll get myself back from this.

Story of my life

No one loves you.

They're just pretending
to be nice. But they
talk bad about you
after you leave
the room.

You're gonna die
alone.