CriminaLove

Blade was hot
Piercing skin
Not a new thing
In your life of sin
Entered your heart
Through a mind
Locked in
Desires of woman's skin
Any woman
Any woman that would let u in
Look twice...
She's fucked tonight
Didn't matter bout the wife
Mind only saw
The skin of the nite
You told me I was wrong
I was right
Always ending up in a fight
I pooped so many pills
So I didn't have to hear
The call text and typing
Going on in my ear
In the late of night
You fed stories of love
Adoration and desire
She was you light from above

How long would it last
How much could I take
You took my car
To see her too many days
I'm sitting at a desk
Shaking from head to toe
Knowing i'm making dollas
For you to spend on ya hoe
Finally saw a doctor
Band-aid is what I got
The stress took over
And your lies were too caught

Entire year went in a blur
Never knowing if my babygirl was even her...

Unrelatable

Ok. My life’s been flipped upside down. Now I'm in a situation I’m not sure about. Knowing how people really feel is not one of my strong suits. I think I’ve misjudged many people’s true feelings about me. Wish there was a fortune cookie somewhere that told me sometimes love means hate and hate means love. So snowed by my quest...my fight for love that I didn’t see the avalanche...didn’t see the snow turn black. At the bottom of this valley, the darkness left a fight unfinished and futile.

Whatever is left of me...I can’t picture what is come. The more favors I accept, the more indebted..enslaved i feel, yet  i don't move.

I can’t handle being this out of control...this unstable...this unsure. I don’t want anymore words of “wisdom”...that I once spoke. these are things I know. Relate to the unrelatable. Open your mind to a strange way of life, way of thinking. Free a mind. Let someone in. We need our people.

People are better than no people.

Strange Existence

I’m in limbo. I’ve been stripped of life as I know it. I’m left with loss, debt, shame, fear, loneliness, foolishness, inhibition, indifference, and complete self worthlessness.

There was an encounter…

I was pushed to the edge, threatened, violated and forced to defend myself.

Is there something I should miss
You know
something more than your kiss
Should I think more of you than this
You made me feel worthless
Why am I even giving you this
Your love was
Toxic
Full of taint and cancer
Our chemistry mirrors
Runnin with scissors...

How am I going to do this...

I’m brainstorming...about what the hell I’m gonna do about income and shelter. I lost my job  and my home and I CANNOT bring myself to tell anyone related to me. My fam knows, but not my relatives don’t. I’ve always been very independent. Now I have no independence and I’m getting in the way...

Great Mistake…

I can't explain
what I feel
Feelings that shouldn't be real
She left my life
Didn't look back
My heart in tow
My face was cracked
Then she called
What's up with that
All I knew was love her back
Then she spoke
Hearts on melt
Trying to understand what she felt
Questions poured my mind a glass
Let her tell one lie, the last...
Then she changed her tune again
Reminders of us being more than friends
Lost my mind
Thinking back
Surrogate mother wives
Kids to love us back
Going to work everyday and back
Greeted with sunshine
A smile so great
Only one that made me masturbate
Didn't have to cuz the love was real
Passionate kisses and a brand new feel
Touching her face
Unguarded me
Laying in her arms
Transcended me
So comfortable I fell asleep
Never before had that happen to me
Work day melted off of me
ONLY SHE
Did that for me
But she felt out of place with me
So she sought out baby V
Told her it's not really me
I'm just as far as she can she
Dropped my glass
Couldn't see straight...
She thought I was a mistake
Didn't know what to make of that
Heart flopping in broken glass
Feeling like she was about the cash
Blinded by a betrayed heart
I called her up and ripped apart
Said things that I shouldn't say
I didn't even really feel that way.
She was lying
I was crying
Pain and anger spoke loud for me
Didnt hear her when she said
I'm sorry
It won't happen again
Please forgive me
That's what she said
Now it's nonstop in my head.
All those things I shouldn'ta read
All those things I shouldn'ta said
All turned to
A lifetime of regrets
Just too hurt to hear the words
Couldn't be civilized no more
Hurt turned to rage
That started to burn
I know I was wrong
I know I was
Cuz she'd become
My definition of love
Words came out
Brash and rough
I didn't let up
She had enough
Then my heart start burning up
Couldn't see past that one fuck up
Tried my best to pull it back
She probably thought I was on crack
And I kinda was, but more than that
My heart was cracked, it fired back
I know I was wrong for that
She will never come back
My greatest mistake
And I'm to blame for that...

part of me...

TAKEN…

I floated back to shore
Water in my lungs
Bystanders watching the life get thrust back into me
I awaken and simply run

“WAIT…YOU LEFT YOUR………geez……ITS YOUR…YOUR HEART, LADY!”

After what’s happened to me this year, I’m indifferent about whether or not I was supposed to survive this shit. But here we are.

When I look in the mirror, it’s hard to imagine that I LET this happen to myself. Many people affected me. Positively and negatively. The problem with that is… ego. If I’m gonna be able to genuinely get this out, it JUST must be said.

Here’s the short non evasive story… The Trilogy

I fell in love… young woman. Wondering “what is love”. I’m sure I was in it.

I fell in a new love... Ecstatic, like a virgin.   Then, came the competition. Why should I compete for what’s already mine?  If you are not mine, then that’s makes u free to go, right and I’m alone. No regrets, just questions. Questions about me. Questions about them. Questions about the quality of love I was in. Learned enough for me to get the message that there was something I might find out about later…

I fell in love. Something different. Stylistics Brand New. Wonderfully frightening. Snatched my brain right out. Running on pure heart, pure love, felt fully reciprocated for the first time ever in life. As quickly as I met love, (the true kind that only comes to a few), it was gone.

NOW, I know what love is, had it and lost it. My plan for life was shattered and instantly there was nothing left…and without the truth…without some truthful explanation, rationalization… this is where I land…ashes on broken glass.

On the Memories Museum, they represent my Trilogy.

Starla as she was once known is now lost in a gust of wind…

Dead inside with a world of questions…like “what is love”, “was ANY of that love”, “is it me”, “is it them”. Rapport still intact with the Trilogy…except the last one. Stagnant existent didn’t want to move. Couldn’t move. Didn’t move. Ambivalent. Girl, Interrupted.

Had to shake it…without knowing why. Dysfunction. Slavery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tried to love again. It didn’t feel right for clear reasons. I infiltrated an existing situation extracted somebody’s baby mama and took her home and turned her out. I just went for the ego boost.  Complete waste of DISAPPOINTMENT’S time. Didn’t realize how genuine I was at heart for people who…well…  She was so good at being lovable or something, I started to love her I think, but apparently the line to her pussy was long like train smoke so I had to share… I DONT share, she KNEW that’s why it took 3 years of online friendship for us to meet and become a couple. Thought she was mine and ended up in an artillery battle with a baby daddy... My weapon, of course, being my witts. I shut him up quick, basically she was mine now, ask her, she’s right here. She even kissed me in the stage lights at the strip club…and he was there…looking (and they came together). I had multiple encounters with this cat, he was obviously a nigga spurned. What you expect. You got your gal took… by a GIRL. That has to do certain damage to a man. That NIKKA was a grown ass man threatening to put you hands on a woman. WEAK! Moreover, she’s crazy as hell, invited you to PLEASE come finish the job of fucking me up…and got crew and fam that got my back whether I need it or not. He was just completely out of his element and hell… i told him, better off. But, little did I know THEN, I had a spaghetti bitch…ya know “straight until wet”…UGH! Imagine how that went. Of course when he fell hard for the woman to later become his wife, i saw the inevitable change in my gal and my relationship, then she cheated WITH PENIS. I knew my ego hang glide was over. Should have been quick and amicable. SHIIID!

She bitched, wrote, and cried, blogged and lied all over the place about her broken heart as she shared her body with anyone bearing an orgasm or simply aggressive enough to just…ask. That infuriated me. When I let you go, you LEAVE. She played heartbreak and made me the presiding ogre over the pain in her life…with her foot on my back spaghetti worming her way into an industry that glamorizes lesbians…ya know…cuz we HOT! :) Lesbians flock and flee with the same story, that BI ass bitch wouldn’t TALK to me…I was much more acquainted with her pussy. Didn’t take long before the industry got in her…literally. There she remains…spiraling downward back into that destructive state of mind. Ego completely out of control because she’s the next Melissa Ford without the Honda Accord. Unfortunately in her case, there are children involved…and just her and her orgasm-giver.  As for me, I can say her effect on my life was a Profound Level 2. I’ll explain that one day. In short, she’s cool under the right influence, unsubstantially easygoing, fun to party with, and will remain submissive, just in case. I left that situation knowing…it was simply of no consequence. Done.

 

I woke up on my birthday at midnight…to a sweet kiss and a “happy birthday”…then suddenly I’m calling in at work because I just got out of a UFC ring was, at the time, my living room.

…to be finished, not continued